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About Dr. Howard Bennett

Dr. Howard J. Bennett is a practicing pediatrician in Washington, DC and a Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at The George Washington University Medical Center. When he's not sharing humor with patients, Dr. Bennett loves to poke fun at doctors and medicine.

Here are my most recent posts

Quotes on Parenting

The way I look at it, if my kids are still alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job.

—Rosanne Barr

For me, parenting is like dieting. Every day, I wake up filled with resolve and good intentions, perfection in view, and every day I somehow stray from the path. The difference is, with dieting I usually make it to lunch.

—Marion Winik

There are three stages in a parent’s life—nutrition, dentition, and tuition.

—Marcelene Cox

Kids aren’t easy, but there has to be some penalty for sex.

—Bill Maher

It’s illegal in forty-seven states to leave a child in a rest room during a family vacation and pretend it was a mistake.

—Erma Bombeck

I never understood why late afternoon is called “Arsenic Hour.” Are you supposed to take it yourself or give it to your kids?

—Mandy Katz

I used to worry about losing my husband to another woman. Now, I’m more afraid of losing my nanny to another woman.

—Sybil Adelman

Parenting requires patience, endurance, forgiveness, understanding. And if the children aren’t willing to do that, it’s going to be tough.

—Gene Perret

For years, my husband and I advocated separate vacations. But the kids kept finding us.

—Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

—Erma Bombeck

The thing to remember about fathers is, they’re men.

—Phyllis McGinley 

Quotes on Pregnancy and Childbirth

Pregnancy

My wife had a lot of gas when she was pregnant with our first child. One night was particularly eventful so I said, “Jan, would you mind going into another room until you’re done?” She said, “If I left the room every time I had to pass gas, I’d never be here.” —Howard J. Bennett, MD

After my first pregnancy, all of my fat went to my thighs. All of my husband’s fat went to his head. —Molly Ryan, MD

How can I have morning sickness when I don’t get up till noon? —Rita Rudner

The only time a women wishes she was a year older is when she’s expecting a baby. —Mary Marsh

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one. —Jay Leno



Childbirth

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. —Joyce Armor

Home delivery is for newspapers, not babies. —Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple”

A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, “Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.” —Gracie Allen

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s under water. But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. —Elayne Boosler

President Clinton signed a bill that requires insurance companies to let mothers stay a minimum of 48 hours after their baby is born. To qualify, all the mother has to do is sign a form swearing that Bill Clinton isn’t the father. —Jay Leno

I told my mother I was going to have natural childbirth. She said to me, ‘Linda, you’ve been taking drugs all your life. Why stop now?” —Linda Maldonado

Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

—Carol Burnett

Quotes on Kids

My kids will only eat three foods and two of them are macaroni and cheese.
—Rachel Ruina

Be nice to your children. After all, they’re going to choose your nursing home.
—Steven Wright

The real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a 5-year-old. —Jean Kerr

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children. —Mark Twain

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying. —Fran Lebowitz

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. —Dennis Fakes

If you don’t want your children to hear what you’re saying, pretend you’re talking to them. —E. McKenzie

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. —Lane Olinghouse

Teen Quotes

Since adolescents are too old to do the things kids do and not old enough to do the things adults do, they do things nobody else will do.

—Anonymous

A teenager never opens his mouth when speaking except when there is food in it.

—David Guttman, MD

Carol is fifteen, to put it mildly.

—Joan Hess

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

—Doug Larson

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

—Erma Bombeck

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

—Mark Twain (attrib.)

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

—Anonymous

If Abraham’s son had been a teenager, it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice.

—Scott Spendlove

Beware Of Older Siblings When You Start Solid Foods With Your Baby

Older brothers and sisters learn quickly that babies only drink breast milk or formula. Once you start feeding your baby jarred foods at six months of age, an older sibling may think it is okay to share his food with the baby. Therefore, make sure to tell your older child that even though the baby is now eating from a spoon, he is still too little to eat “big-boy” food. If your older child is anxious to feed the baby, you can supervise spoon-feeding once the baby has demonstrated that he is a competent eater. Make sure that you stay alert for sharing even though you have warned your older child to keep his “macaroni and cheese” to himself.

 —Howard J. Bennett, M.D.