I was very upset recently about the news that an interracial couple was denied a marriage license in Louisiana.  I won’t go into details, since I am sure you all have read about this ad infinitum.   How such a blatant bigot, a man who unapologetically enables hatred and breaks the law himself could be sitting in judgment over others in a public courtroom or anywhere for that matter is very troubling.

Stewing about this incident brought to mind another upsetting issue.  Even though the government cannot tell people who they can and cannot marry, some states, including my own state of California, make an exception for gays, who have been denied that right. 

In turn, pondering this issue made me think about the many discussions I have had with my brother about the right of homosexuals to marry.  We used to think alike about most social and politically issues but, in the past few years, his views on many things have changed.  We love each other dearly but our “talks” can be quite frustrating.

From news stories, family, friends, colleagues, and seemingly everywhere else I turn – on the radio, television and even in my beloved dad blog community, I am confronted with things that upset me more often than not.  Sometimes it’s sensationalized news, spun facts and opinion passing as truth.  Sometimes it’s the genuine real life problems of this world or just people looking at different sides of the coin.

Subsequently and inevitably, I involve myself in confrontations filled with misinformation (on both sides), disagreement and eventually, touches of vitriol and a few exclamation points that leave me frustrated and depressed.  Even when it’s a respectful conversation between people of different viewpoints which there are plenty of, I am left a little despondent when I can’t seem to convince people of certain things that I know are true (I have been wrong on occasion ;-)  I know there are others who feel the same.

Maybe in the current political and social climate, with media having evolved into  a major lobbying force for one side or the other, people’s views are much more polarized then they have ever been in my lifetime.  Maybe it’s because I am more aware of the world around me, not just as a consequence of maturity, but because I am a parent and much more concerned about the future for my kids’ sakes.

Whatever the reason, I find my “panties in a wad” much of the time nowadays.  I don’t know how much this affects the way I interact with my children, but I know it does.  Further, I know they see my behavior with others and sense my moods, which I know affects them as well.

Why am I writing the obvious?  Because, as a parent, I need to be clear about what I teach my children about confrontation, frustration and how to always be respectful.  I must give them tools to take care of their own mental and emotional health and to keep anger in check.  This is often harder than it seems, since much of what they learn is not from what they are told but what they witness.  I can preach to them all day about right and wrong but, if I don’t set the proper example, they are possibly learning the wrong lesson. 

Further, my children are bi-racial and, the reality is that they have been born into a country and a world that may, at times, be more hostile to them than it is to me, being white.  They will especially need to have the tools to deal with hate, anger and frustration, and to be able to talk about what they believe with others who disagree and to remain happy through it all.  And, that is what my point is (finally) or my question, rather.  How do we, amongst the furor, remain happy and calm?

I have come up with a few suggestions I would like to share, if you’ll indulge me.

The first advice was indirectly from one of my daughters.  She loves to repeat her teacher’s dictum when kids speak out of turn, “Zip it.  Lock it.  Put it in your pocket.”  I’ll leave you to imagine the hand choreography that goes along with this.  I was recently participating in numerous blog comment streams with random people with whom I disagreed and an email exchange with my brother that was approaching 100 printed pages!  Then, I would rant to my wife and friends on Facebook, Twitter, at home at work and wherever else I could find sympathetic ears.  I was doing so much research, writing and talking, you would have thought I was running for office.  But, what I was really doing was neglecting things that actually matter, not the least of which was my own sanity and happiness.

I decided to stop it all – Zip it, lock it, put it in my pocket - at least for a while, in order to re-group.  For the time being, I’m not going to have the last word, put someone in their place or show them how wrong their argument is.  I made a commitment to look at all things from a positive angle, and talk about nice things.  This is tough.  Even just in this post, I had paragraphs filled with angry words about the aforementioned judge and the anti-gay forces.  At first, I couldn’t delete the paragraphs, I just hid them.  But, I finally forced myself to actually delete them and I really felt calmer.

Secondly, I changed the focus of my research and looked into happiness.  I found the “happiest man in the world”, Matthieu Ricard to see how he does it.  He was a French molecular geneticist at the Institut Pasteur who moved to Tibet and became a Buddhist monk.  A side note – this may not be the most solid science but he actually received his title by volunteering for a University of Wisconsin–Madison study, which tested levels of happiness, where scores ranged between +0.3 indicating depression and -0.3 denoting great happiness.  He scored -0.45 which was off the scale compared to hundreds of other volunteers.

I read his book, Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill.  Basically, his “secret” to happiness is meditation or mindfulness, as it is called in Buddhist practice.   I won’t go into specifics but you can hear all about it from him here or go to TED.com and find Matthieu Ricard.

So, I am putting a temporary moratorium on political conversation, turning off the talk radio and tuning out the news for a while.  That, in conjunction with my beginning the practice of meditation has made me so much happier.

Don’t worry bloggers; I’m will be back.  You won’t lose this liberal-progressive voice.  And, I’m not cutting myself off from the news of the world permanently either.  But, hopefully, stepping back for a moment will allow me to step back in as an even more open-minded, rational and calm voice.  More importantly, I think it will help me teach my children how to effectively and respectfully participate in an argument and even how to remain happy in the face of hate and hate-enabling from the likes of soon-to-be former Judge Keith Bardwell of Louisiana.  Or maybe we’ll all just meditate the hate away before they have to deal with it.

What do you do, if anything, to find happiness?

Oh, who didn’t have a kid’s toolbox growing up? Then you could walk around and be just like dad (or mom). Who didn’t? I didn’t. Not for lack of wanting one, mind you, but because Santa thought I’d rather have some other little doodad. I’m sure I enjoyed whatever was in the toolboxes place, but that didn’t stop me from wanting a kid toolbox of my own. So, instead, many, many years later, I get to review one.

WJ Fantasy created a Grade-A toolbox for youngsters. Inside a sturdy cardboard toolbox with wooden carrying handle are a hammer, a screwdriver, a saw, some pliers, tool belt, and 4 books (one for each tool).

Pros:

• Durable construction of toolbox, tools, board books, and belt.
• Informative books which are interesting to the little ones
• Realistic design

Cons:

• None

Being a simple toy is not a bad thing – it’s a good thing. By learning early, this kit teaches what they are useful for, respect for tools and their upkeep (putting away, keeping clean), and that work doesn’t have to be just “work,” but can be fun for all ages too.

The only thing about this kit and myself is that now I have to let my kids play with it some more. They’re all about wanting it back. Drats.

“Felt? What kid wants to play with felt?” was my initial reaction. And I stood by it – what kind of gift is the gift of felt? But, importantly, I kept an open mind and I played with the kids and 3 of the Felt Tales boards: Busy Day on the Farm, Heroes to the Rescue (Fire and Police officers), and Pirates at Shipwreck Cove.

I have to admit, it’s rather fun. In fact, in an age of colorful, everything-is-moving-quickly, electronic toys, the Felt Tales were a breath of fresh air. Interestingly enough, my kids taught me a lesson about them, as well: if you have 3 boards and many characters and objects – why not mix and match? A police woman could be on a pirate ship that houses animals. The possibilities are endless.

Pros:

• Well constructed and sturdy boards and figures
• Many figures to choose from on each board (each board declaring “Over 20 pieces!”)
• A nice step away from digital-everything
• Good for the imagination
• Truly entertaining

Cons:

• Getting the kids interested at first. We named all the characters first in order to draw them in.
• Storage – all those little felt pieces can easily go missing if you’re not careful

All in all I’m happy with the 3 Felt Tales boards. They brought together the family – they’re good for a one on one story, creating stories, or just telling them. I think the kids enjoy them too – they get to spend time with family and it’s not blasting noise at them or flashing. Plus, they get to make up any part of the story they want. Who knows? Maybe on day a piggy might actually be made to walk the plank by Brownbeard!

Happy to help on this awareness campaign. All it takes is to just to remember to ask for the PSA test to be added to your blood workup next time you’re in for a physical. It’s no big deal.

Pints for Prostates is a grassroots effort to reach men with a critical message about prostate cancer screening using the universal language of beer.

Started by prostate cancer survivor and drinks journalist Rick Lyke, the goal of the program is to communicate with men in a friendly and non-threatening way about the need for regular prostate health screenings and PSA testing.

Recent studies have shown that PSA screening does a great job of discovering prostate cancer but doesn’t translate into many saved lives. Some prostate cancer is so slow growing, it does not cause death, but screening can’t predict how fast a man’s cancer will grow.

Without that knowledge, PSA screening can also lead to needless treatment that diminishes quality of life. Some men choose surgery or radiation treatment, and that can cause impotence and incontinence, at least temporarily. Others opt for “watchful waiting.”

The news is confusing to middle-age men who have been urged to get the test annually to reduce their chances of becoming a casualty of the No. 1 cancer killer of men.

Despite the American Cancer Society guideline that men start getting routine PSA screening at 50, Lyke thinks men ought to start at 40.

“If I had waited till I was 50, I would have been in serious trouble, he said. “The goal for Pints for Prostates is to make men aware. You at least need to know what your PSA is. What you do with that information is up to you. You have to talk to your family about it, and you have to talk to your doctor about it.”

[From Pints for Prostates » About]

We recently tried the Homedics Restore Water Purifier and Sanitizer. Based on the included documentation, it’s a good choice if you have concerns about the cleanliness of the water in your area. At the same time, we found there was no discernible taste difference between water purified by the Biomedics model versus our old fashioned Brita filter.

The Homedics “machine” is a new water filter on the market and provides both Brita-style filtering of water as well as ultraviolet light sanitization. The Homedics unit is proven to kill 99.9999% of bacteria, 99.99% of viruses and 99.95% of microbial cysts every time with a special UV bulb that will always deliver the required kill rate and will not f ade over time. At the same time, water purification and sanitization are extra steps that require some dedication and may seem more bother than they are worth, again if your water supply is very safe. Purification requires pouring water into the reservoir and letting it go through the filter two times before the 8 cup container is full. Then, you need to flip a switch to allow the sanitization feature that cleans the water to work, after which you push another button to turn on the electric light which is plugged into the wall. All this is a bit of effort if you have a family drinking multiple quarts of water each day.

UV sanitization does have many advantages over chemical sanitization, as reported by the National Drinking Water Clearinghouse.

• Has no known toxic or significant nontoxic byproducts

• Has no danger of overdosing;

• Removes some organic contaminants;

• Has no volatile organic compound (VOC) emissions or toxic air emissions;

• Has no onsite smell and no smell in the final water product;

• Requires very little contact time (seconds versus minutes for chemical disinfection);

• Does not require storage of hazardous material;

• Improves the taste of water because of some organic contaminants and nuisance microorganisms are destroyed.

We found the system pretty easy to use and self-explanatory, with the following performance issues and questions:

1. The lid fell off onto the counter as we tried to pour the last few drops of water into our glass. This appears to be a design flaw.

2. While the manufacturer has gone way out their way to install a fail-safe system into the machine so it won’t appear to sanitize if the bulb mechanism is not working, there is no way to verify if each human operator has sanitized the water. If you did live where clean water is a significant issue, this would be cause of major concern.

3. The filter type is different than the Brita system with less distribution, so you’ll have harder time replacing the filters every few months. (Brita is sold by Clorox so has very wide distribution.)

At about three times more for the sanitizer feature (vs Brita) and the added hassle to make it worth it, you should weigh the value in your area.

Finally someone has come up with the ultimate service for new parents who have no time, no clue, but lots of coin. Gifted At Birth (giftedatbirth.com) sends you everything you need to take care of baby every week, for three months after the baby is born.

They’ll even help you choose the right items for your lifestyle (green, idiot-proof….). All this for the low low starter price of only $124. If you live in Manhattan, a postpartum doula wiil come to you to explain how everything works, including the baby. Outside the diamond-studded boundaries of NYC, however, it will be a burly UPS guy who won’t have a clue.

You have to admire the moxie of a company that can make the promise to figure out what you need every week and imagine that you’ll just outsource it all. Maybe some well-heeled people are that overwhelmed, but they might also be in denial about how much parenting you actually need to do when you are a parent.

Warning: their site has the dreaded homepage music that can wake your co-workers, your sleeping spouse, or the baby!

Christmas (ugh!) will be here before you know it, so let me be the first to suggest taking that photo this weekend instead of waiting until late November.

Our budget doesn’t allow a pro photographer this year and I like to think of myself as pretty handy with a camera. I know at least I can take a picture as well as the photo guy at the department store. With new digital cameras that take 100s of photos for free, there’s no reason most people can’t do this as well.

My wife always loves the finished product, but she always laughs at me for two things: my equipment and my setup.

First, she thinks it’s amazing that I bother with a tripod and also that I clean my lens obsessively with a little blower brush. Anyone who does much photography knows though that a tripod really frees you up to shoot at slower speeds which means more control over light and depth of field. A blower brush means less wiping of the lens, which can introduce little scratches that will permanently scar all of your photos.

Secondly, she always wishes I’d get out of the box of always shooting out holiday shot in the same way with the same props. She’s partly right on that — we all need to break out of the rut, but there are some time-tested suggestions on taking photos if you want to get good results. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Ready for your close-up? Whether you crop later or start close in, you want to fill the frame with your subjects. It’s less important to capture their knees (unless they have super cute ones) than it is to focus on faces.

2. Keep your background neutral and blank. Light colors are best. Avoid trees in the background unless they are just providing a green background. Cityscapes are nice, but it’s better to see the Empire State Building peeking out behind someone’s shoulder than it is to capture all of midtown, for example.

3. Use natural light. Shoot outdoors if the weather allows taking advantage of either early morning or late afternoon light. Photographers refer to this as the “golden” or “magic” hour, the hour or so after sunrise and just before sunset when the light is less harsh. Plan your shot also so that your subjects will not be staring into the sun while standing in front of your perfect background.

4. Shoot at eye level. If you’re taking a picture of little kids or babies, don’t shoot from above. Get down at their level, which will motivate them to interact with you and the camera. Move away from the viewfinder so they can see your eyes.

5. If you’re taking a picture of a baby, consider using a prop that will give people an idea of his or her size.

6. Dress everyone in contrasting colors, rather than busy patterns.

7. Consider sepia or black and white over color

Now here are my own personal routines that my wife wishes I’d shelve, but which have worked for nine straight holiday shots. First, while we live in temperate San Francisco, I dress my kids in heavy coats, scarves and Santa hats. Yep, every year. Second, since before they were born, I’ve used a kitschy little Santa toy that they have held in their hands as a prop. Third, I’ve placed both kids side by side and had them mostly facing forward and smiling at the camera. These photos are never going to make the Museum of Modern Art, but they accomplish my main mission: to capture the kids at a moment of time, happy and together, which is what we can hope every Christmas memory will be.

I met Gina Wismiller at the ABC Kids Show a few weeks ago and I liked her product because it resonates with the situation in our house. My daughter is nine years old and still plays around like a kid. She likes to wear dresses, but like any kid, she wants to be ready to take advantage of any climbing/jumping/tumbling activity. However, when she’s wearing a dress or skirt, that’s not possible. Therefore, she’s quit wearing the skirts and dresses in the closet, much to the disappointment of my wife who spent money and time finding them for her.

Enter the Monkey Bar Buddies, a kind of over the underwear short that girls can wear under their skirt. Part of the magic is in the name and the packaging which talk directly to little girls, making the product fun, but providing the security to be little kids and dres-wearing at the same time.

At $16, they are affordable, especially if it’s the difference between wearing those dresses in the closet or leaving them hanging.

Another excellent article by Jane Brody of the New York Times on the importance of talking and communicating with your baby, including looking him or her straight in the eye. Prior generations didn’t have distractions like iPhones and Blackberries and parents talked to their kids. Now, we have to avoid the temptation to text, and talk instead.

Ms. Jacoby’s general advice to parents: “Reward your little one’s communicative attempts with your heightened attention to his/her conversation. Be prepared to put down your cellphone and look them squarely in the eye as they share their thoughts with you.”

Communication begins as soon as a baby is born. The way you touch, hold, look at and talk to babies help them learn your language, and the different ways babies cry help you learn their language — “I’m wet,” “I’m hungry,” “I’m tired,” “I hurt,” “I’m overwhelmed” and so forth.

“Talk to your baby whenever you have the chance,” the American Medical Association advises parents. “Even though he doesn’t understand what you’re saying, your calm, reassuring voice is what he needs to feel safe. Always respond to your newborn’s cries — he cannot be spoiled with too much attention.”

The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association urges parents to reinforce communication efforts by looking at the baby and imitating vocalizations, laughter and facial expressions.

“Talk while you are doing things,” the association suggests. “Talk about where you are going, what you will do once you get there, and who and what you’ll see.”

You might say things like, “Now we’re going to put on your socks,” “We’re going in the car to see Grandma,” or, “When we get to the playground, I’ll push you on the swing.”

[From Personal Health - Parents Need to Tune In and Engage a Young Child With Talk - NYTimes.com]

A recent study in the Journal of Applied Development and Psychology says that in families with two working parents, dads have a greater impact on children’s language development than moms.   The key thing is to keep talking and engaging your kids at all ages, avoiding all the other electronic stimuli that doesn’t teach kids, or adults, how to really interact.

The start of a new school year also brings the start of cold and flu season, exacerbated by slimy fingers touching everything in sight. If your child is sick, how do you know when it’s time to rearrange your schedule and keep him or her home from school. Every situation is different, but you can start by asking these five questions

1. Groggy and listless? If your usually happy camper doesn’t seem like himself and it’s hard to get smile, let alone a giggle, this is a good indicator that this isn’t a normal day.

2. Lack of appetite or thirst? If your child really wants to eat or drink nothing at all after a full night’s sleep, this isn’t normal and it’s his body’s way of keeping food out.

3. Diarrhea of vomiting? While you might soldier on with a case of diarrhea, it isn’t normal for little kids and is a sign of something more serious. Ditto, vomiting.

4. Any symptoms of a contagious disease like strep, flu, pink eye, chicken pox, or the like? No matter what your other responsibilities for the day, you do not want to be responsible for infecting the rest of the class.

5. Fever over 100.4? This is a good indicator something more serious is going on.

All of these signs suggest that at the very least your child would be more comfortable hanging out with you for the day rather than struggling through a day of school. You should also consider a call to the doctor if get more serious.

In terms of trusting the school to watch over your sick child for the day, a final gut check might be whether you’d want another kid as sick as yours looks spending time with your child all day at school.