Dads in the Mix: Unintentional Prejudice?
Being in a mixed-race relationship and the father of biracial daughters, you would think I have experienced prejudice many times. However, I spent most of my life as a single white male and so am not really that accustomed to prejudice directed at me. Also, because I live in a very progressive part of the country, I still don’t experience it overtly all that often. So, when it does happen, even in subtle unintentional ways, it really shakes me up.
My eldest daughter started kindergarten recently. Two weeks after she began, I got a call from her school principal saying she was sorry but they were going to have to move Sosie from her morning class to an afternoon class with another teacher. All of the parents were informed that they would shuffle the classes at two weeks due to restrictions on class sizes dictated by the district. However, since we got our application in quite early, we didn’t think we had to worry about Sosie being moved. Therefore, when I got the call, I was quite surprised. I asked the principal why my daughter had been chosen and she explained that some kids had to stay for behavioral reasons, others because they were second language learners or because they were twins. They then looked at the remaining kids and chose Sosie. She said the move would be immediate and the next day Sosie would have to be in her new class in the afternoon. This was not OK with me. Sosie had bonded with her teacher. We were told by other parents that her teacher was the best there is and had won a teacher-of-the-year award. My wife and daughters had a routine that hinged on Sosie being in the morning class. Plus, I think people function better and are more alert in the morning. So I asked my wife to join me in a meeting with the principal.
When I told my wife what happened, being black and having experienced prejudice much more, she immediately thought race could be playing a factor. I asked her not to jump to conclusion and, honestly, wasn’t sold on the idea that race was a factor in this case. When we got to the school, we bumped into a white friend who also has a child in the school and told her what happened. She was obviously not nearly as upset about it as we were, and when my wife mentioned the race issue, she immediately jumped to denying that had anything to do with it even though she had no way of knowing.
So, we walked into the principal’s office with an open mind and ready to understand but also ready to make our case if need be. The principal explained that three kids who were here from another district were moved to another school and that meant only one other child had to be moved to a different class and she had to decide who. Because of the things she mentioned early – language, behavior, twins, etc., she chose to move Sosie. I was hoping to get a reason for each remaining child who stayed in the class but she said some of the reasons were confidential. So, I asked her why, specifically, she chose Sosie from the remaining children.
You could tell she has dealt with parents before because she gave the nicest answer. She said that even though she doesn’t really know Sosie, she looked over Sosie’s application that I filled out and judging by my description of her personality, she seemed the best able to adapt to the move. How could we question or challenge this? Plus, if we balked, another kid would have to move. Ultimately, all the kindergarten teachers were top notch and Sosie would adapt. There was still the inconvenience to my wife – having to switch her schedule to take Sosie in the afternoon – and the fact that Sosie would have to each lunch very early. But, with the Principal’s reasoning, we started to feel that the change would be OK. I left the office feeling a little steamrolled because I was so ready to put up a fight and because this was so quick. But I also felt somewhat more comfortable…until I got to the new classroom.
I went to pick up Sosie from her last morning class and introduce her to her new afternoon teacher. It didn’t escape my notice that the majority of this school was white and Sosie’s morning class had its share of mostly tow-headed white children but no black ones except Sosie. So when I entered the afternoon class to see other black children as well as some mixed-race and kids of different ethnicities, I started to think maybe there was something going on.
This seemed more than a coincidence. I wanted to know if there were any children of color in the other morning kindergarten and if the kids that were moved to a different school were the three Hispanic boys I had seen in the morning class. Certainly, this could be a coincidence but I was starting to feel the uncertainty that I am sure minority races have felt many times when confronted with questionable coincidences.
It was actually my wife that attempted to put my mind at ease. She explained that since we all are racist to some degree, many times it is an automatic and unintentional thing – that if the school did this for race reasons, it was not planned that way but some sort of pre-programmed unconscious action. Or maybe it was purposeful because they wanted a class with more diversity – after all, there are white children in Sosie’s new class too. She told me she didn’t get a sense that school had anything but the kids’ best interest at heart. Since the new teacher seemed nice and we were told she was very good as well, we should just leave it alone.
I really felt cornered because I wanted to say or do something but, what could I do? I had no proof of anything and I didn’t want to upset Sosie’s school experience by putting her in the middle of something. It is my nature to think that any injustice, even the smallest and most unintentional should be pointed out so that we can learn from it. I believe racism is fought one little step at a time and I really wanted to stick to my principles. But, as my wife asked me, would taking action really achieve the result I wanted? I racked my brain trying to think of what I could do that would achieve a desired result and came up with nothing. So, I let it go.
Which battles are worth fighting? What is the level of offense necessary to warrant contention? What response is the right one to achieve a desired result? Prejudiced minorities confront these questions all the time and I have seldom had to. But, as my children age, I think I will have to more and more.