When I was sitting in Chick-Fil-A with a girlfriend and her little boy, along with my two little princesses, it became painfully obvious to me that they had been spending way too much time with their Daddy (or too little time with Mommy) when Abigail let one rip on the plastic booth below us. As it reverberated through the crowded restaurant (and a quick glance around told me I wasn’t the only one that heard it), she stared up at me with her big brown eyes and proudly said, ” Mommy, did you hear that one!?” “I sure did!” I said, but felt like saying, “now Mommy’s going to crawl under the booth in the fetal position and cry from embarrassment.” I laughed it off though;  after all, it is hard not too when everyone else is laughing with you, right? She looked at me as if she was still waiting for a high-five or a fist bump. I don’t consider this type of action ‘pound-worthy.’  In my house, I give pounds to little girls who do a good job of cleaning their room or being sweet to their sister. Not blowing up the booth in Chick-Fil-A.

Both of us have made the mistake of saying a curse word in front of the girls, so I’m not going to put that one on Daddy. I know when I overheard her say that her room was a damn mess, really either one of us could have let that one slip. What astonishes me is her astounding ability to use that word in context when she still does not understand the difference between tomorrow and tonight. Still, that type of slip is pretty easy to nip in the bud. On the other hand, when she lets one rip in Sunday school and high-fives the twin boys in her class, I’m sure the teacher is wondering to herself, mouth still hanging open, what type of redneck household this seemingly angelic little girl was being raised in?

I can see the Dad-isms popping up more frequently. When any sport is shown on TV (except golf), my girls shout in unison either FOOTBALL! or GO VOLS! I must admit, that pretty much makes me swell with pride, especially when our friend (who happens to be a fan of a rival SEC team) stops by and the girls instinctively say BOO GATORS! They probably don’t know that golf is a sport yet, but I’m not sure I do either.

It didn’t really sink in how inundated they were with all these Dad-isms until we went home for the 4th of July.  We were visiting their grandparents and Grandma took the girls outside to play. Abigail shouts, “Wait a minute! Let me get the football!” as she darts off to the open trunk and grabs the ol’ pigskin. She runs over to Grandma and hands her the ball. Grandma hesitates only slightly.  She is strong, but not in her most athletic years, and I can see her wonder what is coming next and whether or not this is a good idea.  Abigail then begins to instruct Grandma to hike the ball to her as she stands, ready to receive the ball behind Grandma. I had no idea she knew this much about football. I’m sure my mouth was agape when my husband’s mother turns to me and says, “I think I know now who has been playing outside with the girls!”  “Indeed,” I say. Indeed.

I’ll tell you what, though, except for the farting and swearing (and the occasional conversation about poop), I am going to embrace this.  Not only that, but I will encourage it.  Not because I am a tomboy myself, but because it gave me confidence, comfort, a sense of safety, and some advantages, as well as other things throughout my life, to know how to change a tire, jump-start a car, clutch-start a truck, recognize calls on a football field, and use a power drill.  These are some of the useful things I knew that some other girls did not. Some of these things saved my ass in a bind; some of them actually saved my life. Some of them just got me a cool point or two when I needed them.  Farting in public never really did me any good, though.

When I put my little Mer-Bear down to sleep at night, I hold her up to my face and she leans towards me and presses her sweet smelling cheek to mine, I know she is my little angel and that we are getting enough time together.  I want her and Abigail to get the best of both of us, and I am glad they will know how to hike a ball and how to change the oil in a car as a result of spending time with their Daddy.

Title image credit: B S K.  Article images by author.

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What an interesting contemporary question: will our kids ever leave?  I left home at sixteen to go away to college and never returned, except for visits.  I stayed close to my parents, and they did help me financially through college, though I worked every summer to supplement my education expenses and pay for my own spending. ShortRib (my wife) and I wonder when our kids will  be independent enough to afford to leave?

The other day I talked with a mother who has two teenage daughters.  One is graduating from high school this year while the other has two more years to go.  I asked what were their plans and had she discussed it with her husband, and I was surprised to hear she had no clue.  Neither she, her husband, or the kids really knew where the girls were heading, especially when it came to the idea of supporting themselves with a real job, after college.

Her kids have had short-term minimum wage jobs, enough to pay for the occasional designer jeans they love, but certainly not enough for life, as we know it.  It seemed clear that they were going to have to support their daughters through college, but then what?  From everything I’m hearing from other friends, this is more typical than not of the current state of preparedness of our kids to live on their own.  And, more and more, the kids are returning home after college still unprepared to support themselves and, now, with the added problems of diminishing job opportunities.

My older son, GuitarHero, will be turning sixteen in the fall.  He has begun looking for a summer job with the expectation that he will make about $16,000 — enough to buy the cool Scion that he wants.  When I asked him about the math and began to talk some reality to him, he just adjusted his time frame, but still doesn’t seem to understand the costs, let alone what take-home pay is.  With taxes and other charges, when one buys a car for $16,000, he is more likely to actually spend more than $18,000.  All this is irrelevant if he doesn’t have a B-average, which he is struggling to maintain.  Our family rule is “no B-average: no license, no driving,” which he has understood for a long time.

Is this naïveté among my sons’ generation rampant, or have I really failed in providing my boys a financial education?  I think it’s a combination of both, as I have had numerous discussions and implemented various financial limits and expectations on the boys.  For instance, when they were younger and well before our country’s present economic troubles, I gave them a book allowance one summer.  It was $5 a week, which meant if they wanted a $25 book, they had to wait five weeks to buy that book, which was the case with one big coffee-table book that GuitarHero wanted.  He waited.  Jughead, being the younger one, just couldn’t wait and always found a book within his budget.

When the national financial meltdown happened last fall, we sat down, the four of us, as by then ShortRib was living with us, and went over our day-to-day expenses and put in effect various changes, including suspending any allowance and replacing it with doing extra chores to earn specific amounts of money.  We stopped eating out as often and implemented other cost-saving measures.  The boys seemed to be both in shock and denial, understanding the words coming out of our mouths, but not really digesting them.

So, when GuitarHero spouts the nonsense that he might earn so much money for a not-yet-secured summer job, I worry.  We’ve talked about it and he’s smart enough to revisit his expectations, but I know he has a lot to learn about money.  He’s asked if he can have his own bank account once he’s got a job, to which I readily agreed.  I said that he would need permission, however, to spend any more than $100 at a time.  Will he really save money, or will he follow the path of many Americans these past few years and maintain a zero saving rate and spend all his paycheck the moment he gets it?  We’ll find out, as learning by living it will hopefully teach him better than another lecture from Dad.

While ShortRib has taken on the role of stepmother wholeheartedly, she can’t help but ask, in our private moments, what our plans are.  She doesn’t like the idea of the boys living with us indefinitely, as she believes they should and need to learn to lead independent lives, outside the home, even if we offer some financial support along the way.  She’s completely right, yet this dad has to admit that I’ve grown accustomed to their faces, to misquote the title of a song from my second favorite movie, My Fair Lady, and the idea that they may live with us, after high school graduation, while going to community college AND working, doesn’t fill me with dread.  But, that is not what ShortRib signed up for when we got married, and our lives are very affected by the responsibilities of taking care of the boys.  She’s been a total trouper so far.  And, she deserves that this problem be addressed seriously.

I don’t know the answer yet, but I know that I don’t want to wait until one is graduated and the other is just behind, as my friend has.  For now, we’re going to do our best to instill in them more financial common sense.  We’ll teach them how to save (with their own bank accounts), hold them accountable for securing and holding onto part-time jobs, as well as allowing them to suffer the consequences, by not bailing them out, for any of their failures in these areas.  I can hope this will work, can’t I?

Image credit: Sara Haj-Hassan

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After having watched Kung Fu Panda for the 37th time this summer, it is no wonder that your kids are now insisting that they want to learn martial arts.

While the study of karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, and other forms of self-defense offer many benefits for kids and adults, parents often wonder if it is right for their children. It is also challenging to select a style and studio, especially if you have never studied martial arts.

First you may wish to question the reason or reasons behind your child’s interest in taking martial arts. If it is because it “looks cool” in the movies or they want to learn to fight, perhaps these are not the best reasons. However, if your family’s interest stems from a yearning for new challenges and self-defense in a structured environment then you should consider the many benefits that this activity has to offer.

Martial arts give boys and girls a healthy, controlled outlet for their almost-boundless energy and can provide additional energy for those who could use a little more. They can be a way to present many important life-lessons to young people, and introduce them to a new set of friends with a built-in common interest. Also, a good school will not only teach their students how to use their self-defense skills, but when they should (and when they shouldn’t!)

Steve Dexter, father to 7-year-old Jack, has observed a number of benefits over his son’s four years of training. “Jack has increased agility, confidence and a moral base (such as respecting teachers) that I don’t see kids getting in school these days.”

Matthew Apsokardu, a professional martial arts writer who has taught karate for over 13 years, has recently released a free ebook that is available for download at http://www.ikigaiway.com/2009/students-dojo-survival-guide. This book provides a basic overview of martial arts, including information on selecting a style and what to expect from a school. This ebook provides tips to help you prepare your child (mentally and physically) for joining a school and set him or her on the path to be a successful student.

Apsokardu explains, “As a parent, it is critical that you have an understanding of what is normal and abnormal behavior in a martial art school. Furthermore, you’ll want to learn how to deal with problem students, teachers, and other issues that could arise.” This ebook, in addition to being a good resource for parents, is also accessible for older children and teens.

When selecting a martial art, it is important to remember that not all styles emphasize all aspects. Some will concentrate on flexibility and endurance while others may focus more on sparring and strength training. Schools within each style can also vary dramatically. For example, some may stress the philosophical or traditional elements of the martial art while others will not. When selecting a style and training studio, keep in mind what your child wants from the experience, how he or she best learns, and what type of teacher they are most comfortable with.

As an example, the Afro-Brazilian art form capoeira is all about the energy dynamic; the energy that is released through the combination of dance, music, and martial art. Unlike the ranks or belts in other forms, achievements or chords are often based on play and accomplishments. Jason Luethje, a dedicated capoeira player and instructor in Iowa City, acknowledges that there is merit to a variety of styles. He states, “We want both our sons involved in martial arts, whatever one they chose to pursue.”

Your local library and the internet can be used to compare different styles. Information and video clip examples of a number of martial arts can also be found at http://www.ikigaiway.com/2008/how-to-choose-a-martial-art/. Once you select a style, you will want to visit a few schools with your child. It is important to observe a class with your child and make sure you are both comfortable with the environment and the teacher before signing up.

Once a student begins training, it is very easy for both the child and parent to become overly focused on the black belt. As a parent, Steve Dexter would caution other parents “not to race to the finish but enjoy the process.” While there are many rewards that kids gain from taking martial arts, they do not occur overnight but with dedication and determination – the same as with any other sport or activity.

My husband, who has a second-degree black belt in tae kwon do and was the program director at the studio where he trained for several years, is counting down the days until our boy/girl twins are old enough to start taking martial arts with him. So in our house it is not so much a question of will they, but of when.

Image credit: Kriss Szkurlatowski

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Remembering Chevy Chase in those summer vacation movies reminds me of the fact that most so-called “family vacations” are, at best, vacations for the kids and torture for the parents. I’m generalizing, of course, but most generalizations and clichés have a strong basis in truth. I stand by the proposition that we parents usually need a vacation after our family one, if only to recover and rest.

This summer my younger son, David, got to spend several weeks at the sleep-away camp he loves, while my older son, Will, is indulging his passion for rock ‘n’ roll at a Rock School where he’s taking drum lessons and participating in numerous bands and concerts through the school.  He’ll also be living, figuratively, in our garage with his own band, driving the nearby horses crazy (or am I mistaking their thrashing about as dancing?).

My wife, Loren, is going to Vancouver to be with her parents while her mother undergoes some serious surgery.  She intends to stay until her mother is well and to support her father during this precarious time.  I’m holding down the fort at home, while still writing, and working to give my new website (www.brucesallan.com) the attention I naively believe it deserves.

My assertion is that parents need vacations, too, and not just a date night or weekend away.  We need to recharge, regenerate, and have the peace-of-mind of not worrying about our kids’ daily needs or squabbles, while also not worrying about feeding them or making sure that they do some of their chores.  Notice that I wrote “some” as in the expectation that “all” is impossible.  If we, as parents, don’t get to release some of our stress, it just accumulates, and that does no one in the family any good.

How often do we actually take vacations without the kids?  How much do guilt, finances, available time, and other factors dictate our vacations as only being of the family variety?

My marriage is still new, since we married at the end of last year.  So, we are determining the structure of our lives now.  Many incidents, which we call “life,” have already intruded on various plans, not the least of which was my wife’s own sinus surgery and the painful and lengthy recovery that followed, which totally altered some of our plans this past winter and almost derailed our honeymoon.  We are wise enough not to pout too much when these things happen (well, at least my wife doesn’t pout), but can’t help but sometimes feel a bit sorry for ourselves when they do.

My wife and I believe strongly that we need our separate time (from our sons).  The boys have the pleasure or pain, depending on how they feel at any given moment, of having their dad at home all the time.  I work out of the house and take the lead role in their transportation needs, so they see more of me than they may want to at any given time.

Consequently, my wife and I aren’t feeling too guilty about planning a trip for just us two next March.  We are reuniting with friends that we made on our honeymoon earlier this year and have something special to look forward to while we go about our regular daily business of work and family.  My wife continues to put in full days at work and comes home to cook us wonderful meals.  We help with the clean up, but she’s still the major cleaner in the house.  I take care of most of the shopping and daily “kid runs.”

In summer, the parenting duties are less, but with a teen in the house, my job is to be vigilant about his whereabouts, his friends, what he’s watching on all his screens, and generally try to keep him alive.  My influence, otherwise, is negligible. On the other side of the equation is my “tween,” who requires more attention and actually wants to do things with me.   Both boys sleep late during the summer, so my best quiet and work time is the mornings.  After that, it’s a jumble of running around and juggling their needs and whereabouts.

My wife and I both deserve a break, at some point, and our boys will survive just fine.  In fact, they may both enjoy themselves, if we have the same sitter as we had last time, and not notice our absence much at all.  We, on the other hand, will appreciate the romance of our forthcoming trip, without the regular interruption from the boys, and have a little time to invigorate ourselves and our intimacy, and come home all the more rested and prepared to deal with the next crisis.

Image credit: Rogério Wainer

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