SMILE WHEN YOU SEE THEM The Nancy Armato Rule Antonina’s mother, Nancy Armato, is the ultimate child greeter. She smiles and beams and bursts with pride at the sight of her three children and her six grandchildren. No child who enters her home has any doubt whatsoever that he or she is completely welcome-there is no room for doubt. Grandma Nancy’s hugs, kisses, compliments, questions about a new toy or shoes, recognition of a sterling report card, or her recalling a goal in a recent soccer game-all are part of her fabulous greeting. Every child gets his moment. The children around her respond in kind. They feel so loved and welcomed by her that it literally and physically changes them. They open to her like roses bathed in the warmth of the morning sun. She adds a patina of grace to their lives when each one realizes they have given her reason to smile. Watch your son walk into a room. What is the first thing he does? He looks around at the faces watching him walk in. He is instinctively searching for the visual cues that tell him that he is welcome and a part of the family, that he is loved and wanted, and that he was missed while he was gone. The easiest and simplest way to give him the approval and welcome he seeks is to smile when you see him. A smile instantly sets him at ease. A smile says, “Yes, I love you.” A frown, or only a grunt of recognition, faint praise, or sheer disinterest, sends a message of dismissal. Let your son feel welcome from the first moment he sees you. Let him know that he is loved and important to you, always and forever. When you see him, smile, and leave no doubt that at that moment he is the most important person in your world.

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Smile when you see your kids – Excerpt from Parking Lot Rules

TREAT HER LIKE YOUR BOSS

No matter how tired or fed up you are with how things are going at the office or store or school, or wherever you might work, if the person who signs your paycheck walks in, somehow there is a little reserve of goodwill saved up, just for him or her.

From out of thin air comes a smile or a sudden lilt in the voice, or a very optimistic assessment of the absolute disaster staring everyone in the face. This good-natured version of you is like a can of emergency survival instinct, always there somewhere, just waiting to be used.

This is the source to which you might consider turning when you are completely fed up with your daughter, when she has found your last nerve and is standing on it, when you realize you have memorized the phone number of the private military academy over in the next county.

But instead of raising your voice to her, instead of saying some things you may regret later, instead of reminding her that you brought her into this world, instead of embarrassing her in front of the entire family, even though that is precisely what she deserves, just imagine . . .
What would you do if your boss suddenly walked into the room? Hmmm. Would you pull him by the earlobe? Would you stick your finger in his face and hiss like a snake? Would you ask him the same question over and over? Would you ask him the same question over and over? Would you call him a name? Would you call him by his full name in a loud voice with lots of extra pronunciation on all the consonants?

Probably not. Not if you wanted to keep your job.

To your boss you would show complete respect and consideration. To your boss you would give the benefit of the doubt. There is no concession you could not make, and no compromise that could not be reached.

Your daughter should get the same respect, if not more. Why not let her meet the kind and considerate you hiding there behind the angry and frustrated version? Why not introduce her to the resilient spirit who always finds a reason to laugh at a situation, regardless of how dire?

Let her say hello to the forgiving optimist who makes a self- deprecating remark to lighten the mood, and makes the whole room laugh. Let her hang out with the practical gamer who always finds a way to look at the bright side of things.

Treat her like your boss.
Excerpt from Parking Lot Rules & 75 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Children by Tom Sturges

Parking Lot Rules (and 75 other ideas for raising children) by Tom Sturges is good little volume of helpful hints Mr. Sturges has learned over sixteen years of fatherhood. While some of the tips are just plain practical (4 times to wash hands) may seem a little out of place compared to the more emotional issues he faces, such as how to communicate your love to a sixteen year old boy without embarrassing him. Other advice, such as the importance of thank you notes, also seems like filler though I can tell from other parts of the book that social conventions are important to the author. I tend to share his views on the importance of teaching basic social habits like saying “please” and “thank you,” but you might be surprised to see this advice sandwiched in between other more sentimental issues.

Still, I liked Parking Lot Rules (which refers to another practical tip about parking lot safety) and I’ll keep it on the bedside table a while. There are even a few things I want to show my wife.

Our friends at DadLabs.com are at it again with a new book that tries to put in prose what they do so well in video. And, they do a great job, with tongue in cheek article son everything about pregnancy through Year 1 (subsequent volumes will treat older kids).

The new book is DadLabs Guide to Fatherhood. It has many practical tips on subjects like picking a baby name and how to change a diaper, just as you will find on DadLabs TV, but much of the value of this book is the ability to laugh at the early stages of parenthood, just as your pregnant partner is taking it so seriously. There is a time for soulful feelings about incipient fatherhood, but also a time for having a beer and making some crude jokes using all the new vocabulary you’ve just learned in Childbirth class.

Recommended for nervous dads who need to see the lighter side, or as a fun shower gift (you are throwing a man shower, right?).

$16.95 on Amazon and other fine booksellers.

“The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance by Polly Young-Eisendrath is out and it will be a good read for parents frustrated by the “every child is a winner” mentality that has taken over our schools and playgrounds.

I happen to believe in the philosophy behind constant praise for children. In my belief, they need to build a reservoir of love and good feeling to be ready to battle the big bad world. However, I am also wary of shielding them growth experiences that will prepare them for the challenges after they leave the nest. We have covered many good books on the site related to self-esteem, especially by Michael Gurian and Robert Brooks which are strong resources to better understanding this dilemma.

In this book, Ms. Young-Eisendrath spells out sources of the problem. If you recognize yourself as one of these types of parents, you may be setting your child up for self-esteem issues later on:

* Laissez-faire parents - “indirect, non-confrontational, vague, and friendly in their attempts to be authorities”

* Helicopter parents - “hover around their children” trying to be close friends with them.

* Role-reversal parents - believe that you can encourage children’s inner genius by allowing them lots of affection and attention with few boundaries

As in the books of Gurian and Brooks, Ms. Young-Eisendrath examines the importance of adversity and virtue in developing kids with good self-esteem. Adversity is important, so they can overcome or make peace with it. Teaching virtue and conscience, especially as it relates to others, especially by helping them, helps to get kids outside themselves.

Some readers may be put off by her chapter on “Religion and Reverence,” where she has a section entitled, “Why we need religion,” and patronizingly insists that “spirituality” is not a substitute for organized religion.

Polly Young-Eisendrath is a Jungian analyst and psychologist,, and a a Clinical Associate Professor o Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Vermont.

Some times, rather than a present for themselves, dads just like to see the kids enjoy a new toy or book. Here is a selection of books for young kids where the dad is the star. I’m an old softie when it comes to books and images of dads spending good times with their kids. My daughter has two or three books that feature dads and daughters and it makes me feel very special that she reserves a special place on her shelf for them. While we have not read any of the titles listed in this article, I’m going to check them out before next Sunday.

Here’s an excerpt from the Seattle Times Article and the list of books.

One girl likens her dad to a dog. One dad is convinced he’s a bird. Another dad lives away and a fourth works late but has a great lullaby in a wide-ranging selection of children’s books for Father’s Day.

“My Father the Dog” by Elizabeth Bluemle and illustrated by Randy Cecil (Candlewick Press, $6.99, ages 4-7). He scratches, fetches and growls when startled out of a nap. He likes the window rolled down and the breeze on his face during a drive. He pees on a tree and toots on the couch. Yep, this clownish dad is a lot like a dog as his daughter observes, but he’s a loyal, loving one. Bluemle reassuringly promises in a postscript: “This book is not based on my own father. Honest, Dad, it’s not.”

[From Books | Father's Day books celebrate dads of all kinds | Seattle Times Newspaper]

1.

My Father the Dog

2.

Papa and Me

3.

A Day with Dad

4.

Daddy Hug

5.

My Dad’s a Birdman

With just a few days left before dads’ day, here are a few suggestions for wine books you can pick up at the local bookstore or order quickly off Amazon.

1. Hugh Johnson’s Pocket Wine Book 2008 - This is a classic little volume perfect for sneaky glances while out at a restaurant where you need a reminder on the best years for a French Burgundy. It has seviceable wine pairing suggestions and even a primer on wine glass selection. At $14.95, this is a good bet.

2. The World Atlas of Wine Hugh Johnson and Jancis Robinson - This is a good building block for a strong wine library, as are the following four books.

3. The WIne Bible - 19.95 paperback

4.
Sotheby’s Wine Encyclopedia - $50.00

5. The Oxford Companion to Wine, 3rd Edition - $65

6. Oz Clarke’s Grapes and Wines: The definitive guide to the world’s great grapes and the wines they make - $25 paperback. Also writes an annual pocket guide to wine like the Hugh Johnson book.

With more data coming out all the time on the health benefits of wine, especially red, now’s the time to pour and toast, “To your health, Dad.”

If you have a daughter, it’s hard not to get a little emotional reading this collection of anecdotes compiled by Gregory Lang (author of more pithy books like “Why a daughter Needs a Dad: 100 reasons”). This is not a “deep” book, but it does get at a lot important truths about the importance of a father to little (and big) girls. Sometimes, that’s also what dads need to give an extra push to their efforts. We all need to know that all those hours pushing swings and replacing toy batteries are the foundation of an enduring relationship that doesn’t end suddenly at adolescence. There has been plenty of research that shows this to be true, but Mr. Lang, in this compilation of his own and others’ stories, relates how this plays out in different ways. For the dad of a young girl, it also gives a not-always-comfortable (read morbid) look into the future when kids are grown up and dad is looking at what he’s leaving behind as a legacy, rather than what he is building in the here and now. It may have you weeping into your Scotch before the end of the second chapter.

I’d recommend this as a gift from any girl or woman wanting to communicate to a dad why he’s special to her.

Daddy’s Little Girl: Stories of the Special Bond Between Fathers and Daughters by Gregory E. Lang

Every night, it’s the same drills at our house. A never-ending pattern of tooth-brushing and pyjama-changing. It’s like the myth of Sisyphus, a mom and a dad doomed for eternity to push a rock up to the top of a hill, only to watch it come rolling back down. But of course, it’s not eternity. It’s just a few short years until they brush and change themselves, start to read to you, and eventually close the door after dinner and hang a big “Parents Keep Out” sign on their door.

However, until then, what to do to make the rituals more entertaing, stay in the moment, and not despair over your own need to pay the bills or catch up on the latest update on “Lost.” I hope you don’t feel tricked if I tell you that bedtime will always be bedtime. Kids thrive on routine, and actually, the more you do that’s the same (same order, same time) will help get them to sleep better.

However, there is one area within your control, and that is which book you have to or get to read.

Personally, I always liked to read Goodnight Moon, and one of my favorites is Go to Bed, Fred. Good Night Moon is more sentimental and strangely poignant. Go to Bed, Fred uses Sesame Street characters and is actually funny with kids below four years old.

I have now read two Harry Potter books with my eight year old girl. I can’t say it’s great literature but it’s better than a lot of the Scholastic books she brings home. And it fuels our discussions for days because the characters are so vivid. They say that beyond book Three or so, you have to watch out since the themes become ever more dark, and are really too chilling for little kids.

What are your favorites? Do you hate or love Winnie the Pooh (hate him now except for the Heffalump-chasing scene). Have you tried the classics or do you stick with the bestsellers. Do the rhymes in Madeline drive you to insanity? Have you read enough Go Dog Go to last a lifetime?

Reading to your kids is one of life’s great pleasures and has been proven over and over to benefit kids and make them better learners and future readers. With so many great books to choose from though, there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy yourself along the way. Remember though, if it’s on the shelf, you’re at the mercy of your little kid’s choices, and he’ll sometimes be happy reading the same thing for week straight.

The subtitle of the book is “Building a Closer Connection with Your Baby,” and that’s what we hope the book will help dads do: feel closer and more connected to the little people in their lives. If you’re interested, you can read the preface here: My dad used to sit on the bathroom counter while he shaved and brushed his teeth, finished dressing, and tied his tie. I did the same with my toddler. It would be before dawn and very quiet, and I would set our daughter on the side of the sink while I shaved, talking quietly to her. Something about being alone together, trying made it exciting and special for her. It didn’t matter that I was busily getting ready; she was glad to come along, and even the sense of purpose was fun for her, just as she still likes to come on the most boring and mundane errands—to the post office, the DMV, even the dentist. When my daughter accompanies me, she doesn’t act bored and impatient. The outing becomes more like an occasion, and I enjoy it more too.

One day, at the sink, she insisted on shaving me. She was just three. If not for the fact that I remember sitting on the sink to watch my dad shave, I wouldn’t even have considered putting a razor into my toddler’s hand and letting her at my throat. I showed her the motion (down, pick up, down—never sideways!—and don’t press hard) and guided her hand through it a couple times. I told her how my grandfather, each morning before he went to elementary school, had gone upstairs to his own grandfather’s room with a straight razor, soap, and brush, to shave him after he had gone blind in his old age. She looked totally absorbed by this, and held her hand steady, so I positioned her hand at the top of my cheek and let her try a stroke. She carefully removed a stripe of shaving cream from my cheek, without trimming a single whisker. We worked on the pressure a bit, and she did most of the flat, easy parts of my cheeks.

My daughter was very proud to have been allowed this responsibility, and to have done something to care for me the way I normally took care of her. It was a bonding moment, which she has asked to repeat every few months since, and which I’ve carried on with her two younger siblings as they reached that age—without a single scratch.

Most men are like I was before my first child, having never even held a baby in our lives and with little or no experience taking care of kids. Of course we feel apprehensive about bonding and unsure how to interact with our offspring. I knew, though, that if I let my apprehension put me in the back seat in parenting, I would be taking a step back from one of the most important experiences of my life. I needed to take the initiative and create my own ways to bond with my child, right from the beginning.

It’s hard to engage after work when you’re tired and stressed, and part of the choice facing fathers is whether to play it safe, stay in that work mode and be very hands-off at home, or to engage with our children, something for which we’ve had no practice, and makes us feel unsure of ourselves.

Bonding with a baby or small child is about the small moments that you spend together, looking at each other, talking, taking walks. It’s not something that happens instantly. It’s a relationship that grows over time. That’s what this book is about: practical, everyday things to do to enjoy being with your children and forge the bond for both of you.

A lot of dads feel closer to older children, the ones who can catch a ball and enjoy a slice of pizza. But the bonding process starts in infancy, in hundreds of small ways. That’s where we’ll start—we’ll get to ball and pizza later.