Being in a mixed-race relationship and the father of biracial daughters, you would think I have experienced prejudice many times. However, I spent most of my life as a single white male and so am not really that accustomed to prejudice directed at me. Also, because I live in a very progressive part of the country, I still don’t experience it overtly all that often. So, when it does happen, even in subtle unintentional ways, it really shakes me up.

My eldest daughter started kindergarten recently. Two weeks after she began, I got a call from her school principal saying she was sorry but they were going to have to move Sosie from her morning class to an afternoon class with another teacher. All of the parents were informed that they would shuffle the classes at two weeks due to restrictions on class sizes dictated by the district. However, since we got our application in quite early, we didn’t think we had to worry about Sosie being moved. Therefore, when I got the call, I was quite surprised. I asked the principal why my daughter had been chosen and she explained that some kids had to stay for behavioral reasons, others because they were second language learners or because they were twins. They then looked at the remaining kids and chose Sosie. She said the move would be immediate and the next day Sosie would have to be in her new class in the afternoon. This was not OK with me. Sosie had bonded with her teacher. We were told by other parents that her teacher was the best there is and had won a teacher-of-the-year award. My wife and daughters had a routine that hinged on Sosie being in the morning class. Plus, I think people function better and are more alert in the morning. So I asked my wife to join me in a meeting with the principal.

When I told my wife what happened, being black and having experienced prejudice much more, she immediately thought race could be playing a factor. I asked her not to jump to conclusion and, honestly, wasn’t sold on the idea that race was a factor in this case. When we got to the school, we bumped into a white friend who also has a child in the school and told her what happened. She was obviously not nearly as upset about it as we were, and when my wife mentioned the race issue, she immediately jumped to denying that had anything to do with it even though she had no way of knowing.

So, we walked into the principal’s office with an open mind and ready to understand but also ready to make our case if need be. The principal explained that three kids who were here from another district were moved to another school and that meant only one other child had to be moved to a different class and she had to decide who. Because of the things she mentioned early – language, behavior, twins, etc., she chose to move Sosie. I was hoping to get a reason for each remaining child who stayed in the class but she said some of the reasons were confidential. So, I asked her why, specifically, she chose Sosie from the remaining children.

You could tell she has dealt with parents before because she gave the nicest answer. She said that even though she doesn’t really know Sosie, she looked over Sosie’s application that I filled out and judging by my description of her personality, she seemed the best able to adapt to the move. How could we question or challenge this? Plus, if we balked, another kid would have to move. Ultimately, all the kindergarten teachers were top notch and Sosie would adapt. There was still the inconvenience to my wife – having to switch her schedule to take Sosie in the afternoon – and the fact that Sosie would have to each lunch very early. But, with the Principal’s reasoning, we started to feel that the change would be OK. I left the office feeling a little steamrolled because I was so ready to put up a fight and because this was so quick. But I also felt somewhat more comfortable…until I got to the new classroom.

I went to pick up Sosie from her last morning class and introduce her to her new afternoon teacher. It didn’t escape my notice that the majority of this school was white and Sosie’s morning class had its share of mostly tow-headed white children but no black ones except Sosie. So when I entered the afternoon class to see other black children as well as some mixed-race and kids of different ethnicities, I started to think maybe there was something going on.

This seemed more than a coincidence. I wanted to know if there were any children of color in the other morning kindergarten and if the kids that were moved to a different school were the three Hispanic boys I had seen in the morning class. Certainly, this could be a coincidence but I was starting to feel the uncertainty that I am sure minority races have felt many times when confronted with questionable coincidences.

It was actually my wife that attempted to put my mind at ease. She explained that since we all are racist to some degree, many times it is an automatic and unintentional thing – that if the school did this for race reasons, it was not planned that way but some sort of pre-programmed unconscious action. Or maybe it was purposeful because they wanted a class with more diversity – after all, there are white children in Sosie’s new class too. She told me she didn’t get a sense that school had anything but the kids’ best interest at heart. Since the new teacher seemed nice and we were told she was very good as well, we should just leave it alone.

I really felt cornered because I wanted to say or do something but, what could I do? I had no proof of anything and I didn’t want to upset Sosie’s school experience by putting her in the middle of something. It is my nature to think that any injustice, even the smallest and most unintentional should be pointed out so that we can learn from it. I believe racism is fought one little step at a time and I really wanted to stick to my principles. But, as my wife asked me, would taking action really achieve the result I wanted? I racked my brain trying to think of what I could do that would achieve a desired result and came up with nothing. So, I let it go.

Which battles are worth fighting? What is the level of offense necessary to warrant contention? What response is the right one to achieve a desired result? Prejudiced minorities confront these questions all the time and I have seldom had to. But, as my children age, I think I will have to more and more.

My name is Joshua Berg. I am white, my wife is black and we have two biracial daughters. My extended family includes members from almost every continent on Earth and represents multiple ethnic identities. In short, we are representative of what is gradually becoming the typical American family. Welcome to my column about raising mixed race children.

The numbers of interracial marriages and unions resulting in mixed heritage traditions are numerous and increasing exponentially. If Norman Rockwell were alive today, he’d need a more complex palette indeed. But, the issues of these families are often overlooked, as this country and the world cling to outmoded ideas of race wherein concerns, legitimate as they may be, of exclusively whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics and any other homogeneous groups fill the spotlight.

Even as we have started a new and exciting chapter in American history with the election of a bi-racial president, we still confront and discuss race in this country from a very bilateral perspective – your race or mine. I would like to open a discourse from the point of view of one human race first. In fact, most of us, even though we identify with a single race, are not “purebred.” Maybe looking at ourselves as more similar than different while still recognizing and respecting our differences will bring us closer together as human beings.

Shifting the outlook and mindset of people is best accomplished through the education of children. That is why I am so excited to start a conversation about raising children of multiple backgrounds. I will bring to the table my experience from the perspective of a father of biracial children by addressing issues like racial identity, stereotyping, portrayal of race in children’s media, definitions of beauty, health, education and much more.

It wasn’t until 1967 that people of different races were allowed to marry in this country, which we should celebrate as we continue to work toward the right to marry for all. And, it was a mere nine years ago that the census allowed for Americans to check multiple race boxes to describe their heritage (and my kids think there should be an alien race box for me). At that time, it was reported that over seven million people identified as mixed race. However, the issues of this now much larger and rapidly growing community are still not a significant part of the national or international dialogue. As my children grow up a part of what is referred to as “Generation Mix,” I hope to do my small part to engage people to participate in what I know will be a lively discussion of issues facing families like yours and mine. Let’s get in the mix!

Teaching a teenager to drive is as much a rite of passage for the parent as it is for the kid. But who does it better? Mom or dad? According to a survey from AA Driving School in England, the answer is dear old dad. In their very unscientific poll of 1,387 adults, 52 percent said fathers were better at the difficult task, while only 24 percent thought moms were better at the job.

[From Seattle Eastside Parenting Examiners: Who's better at teaching kids to drive? Mom or dad?]

This is clearly not a scientific study, or even anything beyond a controversy starter, but it’s funny that people are always trying to figure out which parent is “better” at one thing or another. I can’t even imagine this one really comes down to a sex difference.

The New York Times reports on parents who are foregoing the first year of school, usually known as kindergarten, for a looser, experience-based at home schooling experience.

They are part of a community of like-minded parents who are opting to enrich rather than formally educate their not-yet-school-age children (6 is the age that New York City law requires parents to register their children as home-schooled). They discovered one another through the New York City Home Educators Alliance (nychea.org), a home-schooling bulletin board.

…theirs is an ad hoc, day-by-day exploration into what it means to be a stay-at-home parent and child in an accelerated culture like New York. In a city where the race to be on top can start in infancy, the disconnect between these parents’ choices and the New York City norm is vast, as Ms. Rendell learned recently.

[From Home-Schooling Grows in New York City - NYTimes.com]

If I had the time and flexibilty, this sounds like an ideal way to continue those care-free years of babyhood on through age 6, with benefits for both mom or dad and for the child.

We had a chance to meet Julie Campbell, the force and brains behind the Kids Love Spanish series, at the ABC Kids show in Las Vegas where all the new kids’ products are introduced. Her new series, created with her sister, looks like a great introduction for kids to play around learning a language and at least basic words to help them navigate colors, alphabet, number, shapes and basic phrases. Learning a language can be a fun activity for both dads and kids, and an opportunity to show them that you’re willing to start at zero and learn something new with them. While a DVD set isn’t a substitute for real language immersion, and despite all the hype with rapid learning systems, language acquisition is not easy, this still can be a fun way to prepare for a trip south of the border, or to understand the increasing amount of Spanish being spoken in the United States.

Viewers or PBS learning shows will feel comfortable with the graphics and motion in the series. While these may be the best Spanish videos, on the market for children, as indicated by several product reviews, viewers may have concerns that a vast majority of the speakers in the series are not native speakers. Some examples are spoken by Spanish speakers with poor accents that you won’t want your children to emulate. That said, these are a good introduction to the language for very young viewers (3-6).

Other Spanish for children options are available on Amazon if you search on “Spanish for Children” or click this link.

On April 25th and April 26th the Council on Contemporary Families is holding a conference called “Family Issues in Contention.”

Here’s some information from the press release:

PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS

Teen sexuality and “hooking up”: Should we be worried?

We’ve all heard the stories: teenage girls performing oral sex on boys they just met at a party; college students avoiding lasting relationships by “hooking up” on weekends. What is a hook-up? Who does it? What are its effects on women? On men? And does it endanger commitment and marriage as life goals? Hear the differing perspectives of Stanford sociologist Paula England—who has interviewed students around the country on this topic; Laura Sessions Stepp, reporter for the Washington Post and author of Unhooked; and psychologist Deborah Tolman, research associate and former director of San Francisco State University’s Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality.

Cohabitation: Is cohabitation is “good” for love or for marriage?

“The conventional wisdom is that living together before marriage is associated with a higher chance of divorce,” explains Pamela Smock, a University of Michigan demographer who will present her research at the CCF conference. Updated research evidence, Smock argues, throw these conclusions into doubt. But marriage researcher Scott Stanley (University of Denver) warns that when cohabitors “drift” into marriage, they face heightened risks. Other panelists include psychologist Jaslean LaTalliade (University of Maryland), and sociologist Catherine Kenney (Bowling Green State University).

Divorce: Should they stay or should they go?

What are the latest thoughts on divorce versus sticking it out? Relationship expert Pepper Schwartz (University of Washington) explains that this panel will examine several key questions about marital stability. “First, what is the latest research on whose marriages are lasting or dissolving? Second, what is the debate among clinical professionals over the counselor’s role in advising couples to stay or go? Third, what is the role of sex in maintaining a stable relationship and what role should sex play in deciding to end one?” Along with Schwartz, speakers include law professor Nancy Polikoff (American University, author of Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: Valuing All Families Under the Law) and psychologist Linda Young (Seattle University). In addition, sociologist Alan Jui-Chung Li (Rand Corporation) will present a new study that challenges conventional research methods for assessing the impact of divorce on children. (His sure-to-be controversial findings will be released for advance perusal by the press in early April.)

Adoption — Is Transracial and Transnational Adoption the Right Policy for Parents? Children? Society?

Consider this: Roughly 80-100 million Americans have adoption in their families. We don’t talk about it much, but adoption touches nearly all our lives.”The world of adoption is changing rapidly and radically. The issues adoption raises affect a huge cross-section of Americans. And the issues couldn’t be more touching, personal, or controversial,” explains Adam Pertman, Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and author of Adoption Nation. This panel will examine topics ranging from Caucasians adopting African Americans, to gays and lesbians becoming parents through adoption, to whether Americans should be adopting from abroad when so many children in this country need homes.Along with Pertman, other presenters include University of Texas-Austin professor of social work Ruth McRoy; Illinois State University professor and foster care expert Jeanne Howard; and University of Illinois-Chicago professor of education and author of Adoption in a Color Blind Society Pamela Quiroz.

Jonathan Clements, in the Wall Street Journal today, had some useful reminders for moms and dads trying to teach their kids good money skills. We actually practice some of these on our eight-year old. Our friend, Harvey Beck at ActiveAllowance.com writes a lot in his blog about his money experiments on his two boys and finds that a lot of these strategies really work. All dads should try these things just to see if it helps to quell the “I want” and “I need” reaction to all the buying stimuli kids are exposed to.

1. Postpone joy - Clements suggests offering to trade a $5 per week allowance for $7 if the child is willing to wait an extra week for it.

2. Slow spending with big bills - try giving your child his allowance in coins one week, singles another week, and one big bill the following week. You may be surprised that the big bill gets broken more slowly.

3. Make a wish list - help your child learn to postpone gratification and prioritize wishes by adding things to a list. Giving in to urgent demands does nothing to help kids learn what they really want. Often, kids can’t even remember from one day to the next what their urgent demand even was.

4. Give kids their own money - giving a real allowance, even at five or six, is amazing for sensitizing a child to the fact that money isn’t infinite. Children are suddenly very careful when they know they are drawing down their own stash. Clements relates the story of giving $5 for a school field trip and getting no change. The next time, he gave his daughter $5, but said she could keep anything. She brought home the full $5, which went straight to her piggy bank.

Finally, I’d recommend talking about money in a way that is consistent more with the values you want to instill than in the values you may have picked up. Most of us middle class moms and dads lust over bright shiny objects, but then are surprised when our kids do the same thing. We wonder where they get it and blame it on TV or on their other less-enlightened peers. The responsibility, though, really lands on us. We need to be aware of how many boxes from Amazon come flowing into the house, how much we talk about other people’s money, or how much things cost, and whether we sub-consciously communicate that spending and buying is the best way to alleviate boredom and find happiness. The answer is not usually to “just say ‘no,’ but to help our kids find balance and learn to be good spending adults.

Quick! You have 25 days to get the kids in shape to make a good presentation at Christmas dinner. Like a lot of stuff in parenting, consistency and patience are by-words and yes, you can teach a toddler new tricks. Here are the basic etiquette skills little ones should have:

1. “Please,” “Thank you” and “You’re welcome” are not optional. Repeat them over, invite your kids to correct you, and you’ll find by Christmas a pleasant and polite Pavlovian response.

2. Eating with fingers is for babies, with the obvious exceptions (pizza, ribs, chicken legs for example). Little kids can use a fork, though you may have to help load it up from time to time. Resist the temptation to feed them and they will pick up this skill, leaving you free to get them another glass of milk.

3. Kids need to ask to be excused to leave the table. Teaching kids not to run around during dinner is not easy, but you’ll make it harder if you chase them around to get them to eat.

4. Salt and pepper go together. Pass them together for a polished impression.

5. Even little kids can and should use napkins, keep them on their laps, and learn to use them rather than wiping their hands on their pants.

You can make it easier for the kids by eating dinner in a room without distractions like TV, and make a rule not to allow toys or books while eating the family meal together.

Good luck and Bon appetit!

First, an admission: I started fifth grade without knowing my multiplication tables. Now, they teach multiplication in second or third grade. My kid will already be a leg up on me by age seven. Second, I have a worry that my daughter will be frustrated by math and will very quickly decide it’s not for her. That’s why I just bought these Multiplication and division flash cards. They are big, but not unwieldy and printed on both sides to save in bulk. We plan to get a start on the school year, so when the teacher first says “two times two,” she won’t be afraid of hazarding a guess.