Being in a mixed-race relationship and the father of biracial daughters, you would think I have experienced prejudice many times. However, I spent most of my life as a single white male and so am not really that accustomed to prejudice directed at me. Also, because I live in a very progressive part of the country, I still don’t experience it overtly all that often. So, when it does happen, even in subtle unintentional ways, it really shakes me up.

My eldest daughter started kindergarten recently. Two weeks after she began, I got a call from her school principal saying she was sorry but they were going to have to move Sosie from her morning class to an afternoon class with another teacher. All of the parents were informed that they would shuffle the classes at two weeks due to restrictions on class sizes dictated by the district. However, since we got our application in quite early, we didn’t think we had to worry about Sosie being moved. Therefore, when I got the call, I was quite surprised. I asked the principal why my daughter had been chosen and she explained that some kids had to stay for behavioral reasons, others because they were second language learners or because they were twins. They then looked at the remaining kids and chose Sosie. She said the move would be immediate and the next day Sosie would have to be in her new class in the afternoon. This was not OK with me. Sosie had bonded with her teacher. We were told by other parents that her teacher was the best there is and had won a teacher-of-the-year award. My wife and daughters had a routine that hinged on Sosie being in the morning class. Plus, I think people function better and are more alert in the morning. So I asked my wife to join me in a meeting with the principal.

When I told my wife what happened, being black and having experienced prejudice much more, she immediately thought race could be playing a factor. I asked her not to jump to conclusion and, honestly, wasn’t sold on the idea that race was a factor in this case. When we got to the school, we bumped into a white friend who also has a child in the school and told her what happened. She was obviously not nearly as upset about it as we were, and when my wife mentioned the race issue, she immediately jumped to denying that had anything to do with it even though she had no way of knowing.

So, we walked into the principal’s office with an open mind and ready to understand but also ready to make our case if need be. The principal explained that three kids who were here from another district were moved to another school and that meant only one other child had to be moved to a different class and she had to decide who. Because of the things she mentioned early – language, behavior, twins, etc., she chose to move Sosie. I was hoping to get a reason for each remaining child who stayed in the class but she said some of the reasons were confidential. So, I asked her why, specifically, she chose Sosie from the remaining children.

You could tell she has dealt with parents before because she gave the nicest answer. She said that even though she doesn’t really know Sosie, she looked over Sosie’s application that I filled out and judging by my description of her personality, she seemed the best able to adapt to the move. How could we question or challenge this? Plus, if we balked, another kid would have to move. Ultimately, all the kindergarten teachers were top notch and Sosie would adapt. There was still the inconvenience to my wife – having to switch her schedule to take Sosie in the afternoon – and the fact that Sosie would have to each lunch very early. But, with the Principal’s reasoning, we started to feel that the change would be OK. I left the office feeling a little steamrolled because I was so ready to put up a fight and because this was so quick. But I also felt somewhat more comfortable…until I got to the new classroom.

I went to pick up Sosie from her last morning class and introduce her to her new afternoon teacher. It didn’t escape my notice that the majority of this school was white and Sosie’s morning class had its share of mostly tow-headed white children but no black ones except Sosie. So when I entered the afternoon class to see other black children as well as some mixed-race and kids of different ethnicities, I started to think maybe there was something going on.

This seemed more than a coincidence. I wanted to know if there were any children of color in the other morning kindergarten and if the kids that were moved to a different school were the three Hispanic boys I had seen in the morning class. Certainly, this could be a coincidence but I was starting to feel the uncertainty that I am sure minority races have felt many times when confronted with questionable coincidences.

It was actually my wife that attempted to put my mind at ease. She explained that since we all are racist to some degree, many times it is an automatic and unintentional thing – that if the school did this for race reasons, it was not planned that way but some sort of pre-programmed unconscious action. Or maybe it was purposeful because they wanted a class with more diversity – after all, there are white children in Sosie’s new class too. She told me she didn’t get a sense that school had anything but the kids’ best interest at heart. Since the new teacher seemed nice and we were told she was very good as well, we should just leave it alone.

I really felt cornered because I wanted to say or do something but, what could I do? I had no proof of anything and I didn’t want to upset Sosie’s school experience by putting her in the middle of something. It is my nature to think that any injustice, even the smallest and most unintentional should be pointed out so that we can learn from it. I believe racism is fought one little step at a time and I really wanted to stick to my principles. But, as my wife asked me, would taking action really achieve the result I wanted? I racked my brain trying to think of what I could do that would achieve a desired result and came up with nothing. So, I let it go.

Which battles are worth fighting? What is the level of offense necessary to warrant contention? What response is the right one to achieve a desired result? Prejudiced minorities confront these questions all the time and I have seldom had to. But, as my children age, I think I will have to more and more.

It seems like a new celebrity father gets divorced every week. Recent divorced dads include Jon Gosselin, Robin Williams, Usher, Mel Gibson, Bradley Whitford, Edward Furlong, and Thomas Jane — and those are just the famous ones. Roughly half of all American marriages end in divorce and some studies suggest 60% of those splits involve children.

But while there’s abundant advice directing divorced fathers to avoid “screwing up” the kids, there’s little out there to help dads appreciate the big parenting opportunity — yes, opportunity — before them.

Below are, IMHO, the ten most important things divorced fathers should realize as they transition parentally from “Husband and Father” to “One-and-Only Dad”:

1) You divorced your ex, not your kids

Many divorced dads disconnect from their kids when they separate from their ex-wives, but the divorce can actually be an opportunity to re-connect with your children — this time on your own terms.

2) The only parenting expectations worth a damn are your own

Divorce freed you from not only your ex-wife’s expectations, but those of your parents, her parents, Dr. Phil, and all those dads you see talking joyously about fatherhood on television. You’re the expert when it comes to your kids. Create your own expectations and standards.

3) There’s no such thing as a part-time dad

You’re either a dad or you’re not. Many divorced dads spend more time with their kids than fathers in intact families. But no matter how much time you spend with your children, if you commit to it regularly and responsibly, you’re a dad. Period. Exclamation point.

4) You are not a babysitter

There’s no need to constantly take your children on expensive adventures, shower them with gifts, or keep them perpetually entertained, as if filling a perceived hole in their happiness. They are just as happy to simply be with you as you are to be with them.

5) Your children have two homes…and two sets of rules

Your kids don’t “visit” you; they live with you. They have one home with Mom and another with Dad. And if they can adapt themselves to different rules between home and school, they can do the same between home and home. The phrase “But Mom lets us” carries no weight in your home.

6) You have an “inner dad”

There’s an “inner dad” inside you. He’s the one who tells you when it’s OK to let your son stay up late, when it’s appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter, and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, no-shoes family wrestling match. You’ll get to know that inner dad gradually, moment by moment, and in the process become a more genuine dad — the best kind of dad you can be.

7) Most kids can cope

Divorce doesn’t necessarily mean therapy time for your kids. Studies show that many children cope well with divorce, especially if there’s joint custody and the kids are encouraged to openly express their feelings and fears. When I got divorced, a quick internet search told me I was ruining both my and my children’s lives. But it didn’t go down like that — in fact, I now feel like a better dad than I’ve ever been and I’ve stopped treating Google like my conscience.

You can do what you like

Too many moms and dads feel martyrdom is a necessary part of the parenting process. Find those things that you and your children honestly enjoy together — going to the movies, having cart-races at Kmart, bowling, or impulsively getting pizza in the mid-afternoon. Your children love nothing more than watching you enjoy yourself with them. And it’s way more fun than standing on the playground sidelines checking your Blackberry, isn’t it?

9) Your issues with the ex don’t belong in your kids’ lives

Like the corn and mashed potatoes on your first-grader’s plate, your parenting should be separated from any conflicts you have with your ex. Children need to know their parents’ love is unconditional and impenetrable, even and especially in the face of something as potentially devastating as divorce.

10) You’ll screw up…and that’s okay.

Making mistakes is as fundamental in parenting as making dinner. Own up to them — your kids will learn that they can too.

Joel Schwartzberg is a father of three, an award-winning essayist, and author of the first-of-its kind collection of personal essays from the perspective of a divorced father, “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad“

Reprinted with permission from Joel Schwartzberg.

When my wife and I were first together we visited one of those computerized photo booths where they can combine your photos to give you an idea of what your child might look like. It’s completely scientific, I’m sure. You have to select the race of the child in the morphed image and I believe the options were black, white, Hispanic or Asian. Since I am white and my wife is black and you couldn’t choose two races or biracial, we decided to choose a Hispanic girl. I won’t go into what the photo looked like, especially with the wisp of a goatee she apparently would inherit from my side. But, it struck me that if we had kids, there would be these types of issues we would have to address.

In fact, whenever I bring up raising mixed-race children, the first question that comes up is, “which box do I check?” So, I did a little research. I started my investigation with the obvious and timely – the U.S. census. United States census 2010 is quickly approaching and with it, controversy regarding how we count our citizenry. In 1997 the Office of Management and Budget (OMB) announced revised standards for federal data on race and ethnicity. The categories are now American Indian or Alaskan Native, Asian, Black or African American, Native Hawaiian or Other Pacific Islander, White and Some Other race. Included on the census are two categories for ethnicity, Hispanic or Latino and Not Hispanic or Latino since Hispanics/Latinos may be of any race. Also under consideration was a multiracial category but the OMB decided instead to allow people to check more than one category. So, there’s your answer as far as the United States government is concerned, check all that apply.

When I brought this up to my wife, she asked me how race was defined by the United States government, what the difference between race and ethnicity is and why it matters when the constitution dictates merely “enumeration shall be made….” I realized then that the discussion needs to encompass how and why we define our race and how and why others might.

So, in order to be more exhaustive, here is the exact wording of the U.S. Census Bureau, 2000 Census of Population, Public Law 94-171 Redistricting Data File, Appendix B, page 2.

“The concept of race as used by the Census Bureau reflects self-identification by people according to the race or races with which they most closely identify. These categories are sociopolitical constructs and should not be interpreted as being scientific or anthropological in nature. Furthermore, the race categories include both racial and national-origin groups.” They break down each category specifically as well (http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/meta/long_68178.htm). As far as the only choice for ethnicity on the Census, The Census Bureau defines Hispanic or Latino as “a person of Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South or Central American or other Spanish culture or origin regardless of race.” To be all-inclusive, there is also write-in space for tribe affiliation and other races that one may choose to define themselves.

So, basically race is what we, the people, say it is. In fact, it is proven scientifically that race cannot be determined biologically. Biologically, human beings are greater than 99% similar and any genetic differences between “races” are fewer than between people of the same “race.” There are obvious physical similarities between, for instance, geological groupings of people but they are trivial in the scope of overall genetic make-up. Certainly, I am not saying we are clones of each other but the differences between us are significant only at the individual level, making each one of us a unique member of the human race.

I could go into the complicated formulae the government or anthropologists use to determine the various race categories but a blog entry should probably not be 100,000 words. The obvious and more important question is the one my wife asked – Why does race matter? Why do we even need these categories and classifications if everyone is so similar? The answer simply is that race exists because racism exists. We classify people so that data can be tracked and the problem of prejudice can be illustrated so it can be overcome.

Although so many are working to eradicate it and progress is slow but positive, racism is still everywhere in our society. Health care, housing, employment, education, congressional redistricting (the issue du jour) and other societal resources and benefits are affected by past and current, personal and institutional prejudice. This needs to be made as visible as possible in order to combat it. That is why racial classifications exist, at least for the time being.

As far as checking more than one box, the NAACP complained that it dilutes their racial representation and thereby whitewashes their issues (please excuse the unintentional pun). But, at least where the census is concerned, when you check multiple boxes, the data represents you as each of those races independently and as multiple races. So, specific races are not losing people that associate with multiple races. Others may feel that identifying racial data benefits groups by reverse racism or that by associating with groups that are “stereotyped” in a positive light; a mixed-race person will gain greater privileges. But, without identifying racial data, none of this can be analyzed and the playing field may never approach even. As the world becomes a smaller place with knowledge sharing and as generations mix more and more, I believe we will focus more on our similarities and not our differences, prejudice will dissipate and eventually it won’t matter because we will all check human race.

My name is Joshua Berg. I am white, my wife is black and we have two biracial daughters. My extended family includes members from almost every continent on Earth and represents multiple ethnic identities. In short, we are representative of what is gradually becoming the typical American family. Welcome to my column about raising mixed race children.

The numbers of interracial marriages and unions resulting in mixed heritage traditions are numerous and increasing exponentially. If Norman Rockwell were alive today, he’d need a more complex palette indeed. But, the issues of these families are often overlooked, as this country and the world cling to outmoded ideas of race wherein concerns, legitimate as they may be, of exclusively whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics and any other homogeneous groups fill the spotlight.

Even as we have started a new and exciting chapter in American history with the election of a bi-racial president, we still confront and discuss race in this country from a very bilateral perspective – your race or mine. I would like to open a discourse from the point of view of one human race first. In fact, most of us, even though we identify with a single race, are not “purebred.” Maybe looking at ourselves as more similar than different while still recognizing and respecting our differences will bring us closer together as human beings.

Shifting the outlook and mindset of people is best accomplished through the education of children. That is why I am so excited to start a conversation about raising children of multiple backgrounds. I will bring to the table my experience from the perspective of a father of biracial children by addressing issues like racial identity, stereotyping, portrayal of race in children’s media, definitions of beauty, health, education and much more.

It wasn’t until 1967 that people of different races were allowed to marry in this country, which we should celebrate as we continue to work toward the right to marry for all. And, it was a mere nine years ago that the census allowed for Americans to check multiple race boxes to describe their heritage (and my kids think there should be an alien race box for me). At that time, it was reported that over seven million people identified as mixed race. However, the issues of this now much larger and rapidly growing community are still not a significant part of the national or international dialogue. As my children grow up a part of what is referred to as “Generation Mix,” I hope to do my small part to engage people to participate in what I know will be a lively discussion of issues facing families like yours and mine. Let’s get in the mix!

It’s my pleasure to announce that Joshua Lewis Berg has joined the GreatDad Dad Blog as a contributing author.

Joshua Lewis Berg is a dad who lives and works in Los Angeles. He is an office manager during the week and am aspiring writer and children’s entertainer on the weekends.  Joshua is committed to being the best dad he can be by trying to always “wear the kids’ shoes.” (Not literally, of course, given he wears size 15!) To that end, he created his blog, Through the Eyes of Babes (http://eyesofbabes.wordpress.com), which features photos taken by children as a way to get a glimpse of the world as they see it. He loves volunteering his time for good causes and wants to start his own charitable foundation whose mission it is to learn and teach true happiness.

Joshua has voiced commercials, industrials and animation. Most recently, he can be heard as the voice of numerous characters on the show“Pinky Dinky Doo.”

GreatDad.com has always been a collection of many voices of the dad experience. Rather than one man’s opinion, we have had many writers including twelve author contributors who have domain expertise in some aspect of fatherhood, from medical to humor to psychological. Many many people have asked us to include their voices in the site but we felt we had to limit our contributors just so we could understand all of the content we were curating.

Now we feel we can expand our perspective to tell the stories of even more dads. One way to do this is to add guest blogs to GreatDad.com. Soon, you will be seeing graphic changes to the blog to represent the inclusion of many other voices. For now, you may notice new authors of posts and in the Authors section in the sidebar. I will introduce our newest author in a separate post. And, we’ll have other news soon on how we’ll be adding more new viewpoints to GreatDad.com. We may even add a mom or two.

For those of you, friends and family, who only want to follow my particular thoughts, recommendations, and observations on my kids, you can find the official GreatDad Blog at GreatDad.com/GreatDadblog.

If you’re interested in adding your blog RSS feed to the GreatDad blog, please let me know in the comments section and I’ll let get back to you quickly. While we can’t include everyone, I want to get as many different perspectives as possible while putting extra emphasis on the quality of writing including humor and insight.

Thanks to readers and writer for making GreatDad an enthusiastic source of ideas on modern parenting.

Plenty of PDA that doesn’t get out of hand is good to show your kids. It’s important that they see what a loving relationship looks like, and that also includes supporting and helping your spouse in ways they can clearly see. Try to think of it in terms of the type of future wives and husbands you would want to see them become, or be attracted to.   

Father’s Day: Why do we hold dads to a lower standard than moms?

[From Father's Day: Why do we hold dads to a lower standard than moms? - Parenting: Curious Dad]

I was struck by this article title. The author, Chad Skelton, who writes a parenting column for the Vancouver Sun, has one thing right. And it’s something we gave a lot of thought to when coming up with the GreatDad name. See, moms could never, would never, go to a site called GreatMom.com. It’s too high a standard for them. Many moms have multiple issues about being a parent, both feeling over-burdened but also underachieving. A name like GreatMom would just remind them of what “horrible” moms they really are and how they never live up to a Mothers Day standard. Dads, as most of us know, can be considered “great dads” just by not coming home drunk and making it to a few class plays. Or at least that’s the way it used to be. It didn’t take a lot to be a “great dad.”   

Hopefully, mens’ changing roles don’t mean that we’ll start feeling angry and resentful about society’s expectations about us as men and as child-rearers, but a little higher standard wouldn’t be too harmful, especially given the millions of homes that will allow Fathers Day to pass without a father present in the house.

When you look back in your own life, many of your memories are likely things that you did with your parents over and over, like attending baseball games or celebrating Thanksgiving. Over the long haul, kids will remember less what you said to them and even less your good intentions, than the experiences you shared together. Make a conscious effort to create memories with your kids. That does not have to mean an expensive vacation, but instead doing things together that have meaning for all of you.  

SMILE WHEN YOU SEE THEM

The Nancy Armato Rule

Antonina’s mother, Nancy Armato, is the ultimate child greeter. She smiles and beams and bursts with pride at the sight of her three children and her six grandchildren. No child who enters her home has any doubt whatsoever that he or she is completely welcome-there is no room for doubt.

Grandma Nancy’s hugs, kisses, compliments, questions about a new toy or shoes, recognition of a sterling report card, or her recalling a goal in a recent soccer game-all are part of her fabulous greeting. Every child gets his moment.

The children around her respond in kind. They feel so loved and welcomed by her that it literally and physically changes them. They open to her like roses bathed in the warmth of the morning sun. She adds a patina of grace to their lives when each one realizes they have given her reason to smile.

Watch your son walk into a room. What is the first thing he does?

He looks around at the faces watching him walk in. He is instinctively searching for the visual cues that tell him that he is welcome and a part of the family, that he is loved and wanted, and that he was missed while he was gone.

The easiest and simplest way to give him the approval and welcome he seeks is to smile when you see him. A smile instantly sets him at ease. A smile says, “Yes, I love you.”

A frown, or only a grunt of recognition, faint praise, or sheer disinterest, sends a message of dismissal.

Let your son feel welcome from the first moment he sees you. Let him know that he is loved and important to you, always and forever. When you see him, smile, and leave no doubt that at that moment he is the most important person in your world.