A recent visit to an old friend’s beautiful new home triggered a brief moment of envy for me.  While I was extremely happy and proud of his accomplishment in creating such a lovely home with so much care and detail, I also found myself longing for something similar in my life instead of the present rental that we have.  But, more importantly, I thought about how envy has occasionally motivated me to succeed and how I wonder if the same thing is happening to the present generation.

To be very clear, I believe there’s a huge difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is not necessarily a bad thing, while jealousy is almost always bad.  You can envy someone’s success, possessions, friends, or family, while still feeling positive towards him or her. Jealousy tends to have a component of dislike and negativity to it, directed at the person who has those things of which you’re jealous.  Also, jealousy is usually directed towards a person vs. possessions or other qualities, as in being jealous of the attention your spouse receives from someone else.

Early in my career, when I was an intern with a television company, we were housed on the Paramount Studio lot.  One’s status was often measured by two very public displays.  First and foremost was where one’s parking spot was on the lot.  And second, of course, was what was parked there.

I remember that the prime spot on the lot was that of Robert Evans, then the head of the studio.  In that spot, he parked his classic 60’s Mercedes convertible with the license plate RE 13.  I later learned that the “13” stood for the number of Academy Award nominations received by Chinatown, the movie he produced.  To me, as the young man with stars in my eyes, that car represented “making it.”

Around the same time, one day I was walking from my distant parking spot to our offices when I spotted a new gray Porsche, parked in a prominent spot.  As I approached it, admiringly, owner Don Simpson, another prominent studio executive, stepped out of it.  I didn’t know him, but I remarked how beautiful his gray Porsche looked to me.  He disdainfully replied, “It’s not gray, it’s anthracite” (note:  Don Simpson went on to produce Flashdance and Top Gun, among many other very successful feature films before dying, tragically, very young).

I eventually bought both cars (not their specific cars, but the same models), a decade or so later (and not at the same time, as I have no Jay Leno stable of automobiles).  How much did my envy of those cars, their parking spots, and incredible success affect me?  Who knows, but it remains a powerful memory.  And, I believe, it was a great motivator.

Now, as my sons are treated to excess materialism on every channel on television (especially with all the so-called reality television shows on the lives of the rich and famous–cribs, debutante parties, celebrity birthdays, etc.), will they be motivated or just jealous.  Will they be inspired to work hard to achieve the success to buy whatever it is they envy, or will it just make them feel like it’s hopeless?

The same applies to those around them who appear to succeed in school or other endeavors that interest them—rock ‘n’ roll in the case of Will, my teen, and manga comic art in the case of David, my pre-teen.  I see that Will is completely turned on and motivated by guitarists and drummers he perceives as “sick” (read: fantastic).  This inspires him to practice more as he listens to those he respects repeatedly in an effort to mimic them.  David tries to copy the art he most likes from the collection of manga books he’s accumulated.

So, I am seeing the benefit of envy in these cases with my boys.  Will the same hold true when Will’s friends get fancy cars while he’s still, maybe, just driving my truck?  How about when David goes over to visit his friend (whose father is a relatively well-known actor) at his mansion down the street, loaded with all their toys and a live-in housekeeper?

I like to think they can appreciate both scenarios without any loss of their own happiness.  At least, that’s my desire and maybe my naïve hope.  If I’ve given them strong enough values, they should understand that just about anything they want is within their grasp if they are willing to work for it, put in the effort, and most important of all, not give up at the first set-back — an inevitability with just about every important or difficult goal we set for ourselves.

It’s funny, but as I’ve grown older, those things I used to desire materialistically have faded.  The things important to me, now, are my relationships, my health, and doing something worthwhile with my life.  But, I can’t help but remember those feelings of envy back on the studio lot when I saw the big shots, their fancy cars, and their success.  I certainly was driven by this sort of desire and envy and it probably is no different for my sons.  At least I hope so.

Image credit: Laura Taylor

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For some kids, going back to school at the end of summer can be traumatic. Anticipating a new teacher, classmates, grade, or school can trigger fear, anxiety, and depression–not to mention very real physical symptoms such as stomachaches, headaches, and insomnia.

Fortunately, your child has a whole toolbox to draw from–in her own imagination. Here are six imagination tools parents can use with young children to relieve “back-to-school-itis.”

1. Teach her to balloon breathe. With her hands around her navel, have her breathe slowly and deeply into her lower belly so it presses into her hands like an inflating balloon. The Balloon Breath has dramatic calming effects and facilitates a waking state of focused concentration and receptivity to positive suggestions. This one tool makes all the other ones easier.
2. Visit his special place. This is a safe private place within your child’s inner world where he can work out problems or take a mini-vacation from stress and worry. He can invite a wise Animal Friend into his special place to talk to and help him, or he can even dig for a treasure box there that contains the antidote to his fear.
3. Draw the fear. Putting an image on paper: (1) makes her fear of separation realer and less frightening than keeping it inside, and (2) makes her fear less likely to grow because there is a concrete picture to work with. Once she has a picture, she can talk to it, find out why it’s trying to scare her, strike a bargain with it, surround it with a soothing color bubble, and so on.
4. Talk to his symptom. When a child suffers from a worry headache or stomachache, these three questions can help eliminate the pain. Have him do deep balloon breathing (diaphragmatic breathing), then ask: (1) What color is it? (2) What shape is it? (3) How heavy is it? After more breaths, ask him again. Continue to breathe and question in rounds. His pain will likely change or disappear. If it doesn’t completely go away, ask the ache what it wants him to know, do, or understand to release any more bits of pain.
5. Picture the future. Artwork is also an effective starting point when you’re working with clear end-goals, like getting a good night’s sleep or reducing a fear. Have your child draw two drawings–how things are now and how she’d like them to be. Hang the picture in her bedroom; this is a great reminder of her desired goal and the first step toward getting there.
6. Encourage drama. For kids whose nature tends toward drama, acting out their worries and troubles is a wonderful way to release them. Let them play it out–with puppets, with their bodies, with anything their imagination suggests. It’s amazing what creative solutions come up when given free reign.

Image credit: Jyn Meyer

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As school is starting and the house is without the noise of kids running around, I had the chance to reflect on the summer and what we did.  I never thought I would have the feelings I had when the kids left for school, but never the less I had them!  I’m not going to lie; I had those days when I couldn’t wait for summer to end.  But I also had days that I wished the summer would never end!  I think these feelings are normal (at least I hope!).  Here are just a few things we did this summer.

This is the first summer that I was able to stay at home with my kids.  I became a stay at home dad at the first of the year due to my disease.  I have ankolysing spondilitis, and it forced me to have several surgeries including a hip replacement.  All of this being said, I was determined to make this summer a great one for my kids.

You would be amazed what kids find fun.  I know my kids were just happy to be spending time with me.  I didn’t have to spend a lot money or take them to places that required us to be gone for long periods of time.  I started the summer off  by just taking them to our community swimming pool.  The cost was just a few dollars, but the kids had so much fun! I would have paid a lot more just see their faces while we were there!   We also spent some time at our local museum.  This was a fun time for kids to learn about things without it seeming like school.  I’m sure most communities have places like this.  And simple things like going to the zoo provided hours of fun for a minimal cost.

Another great way to spend time as a family is setting aside one day a week for family game night.  Just pick one board game a week to play.  You can jazz it up by making popcorn or fixing your kids their favorite snack.  Afterwards you could rent a movie and watch it with your kids.  I truly believe that kids need this time to bond with their parents.  I know life can be busy, but kids are so special we should be able to at least devote one evening to them.

I think the lesson I learned this summer was that kids just love to spend time with their parents.  It didn’t matter what we did, they seemed to have fun as long I or my wife was with them.  As a first time stay at home dad I thought I needed to spend money to make them happy.  Just the opposite proved true.  Kids just need the feeling that they are important and loved.  As parents we should be able to find ways to this without spending a fortune.

For more info on how save money while still having fun with your kids go to www.consumerqueen.com.

Image credit: Afonso Lima

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Editor’s note:  In case you missed it, catch-up on Part 1 of “Hell on (Two) Wheels” before reading on.

OK, so we finally got home with a bike that: a) fit my son, b) had training wheels that were actually attached properly, and c) looked bad-ass cool. Check, check, and check. Now it was time to ride off into the sunset, right? Wrong.

This is where I learned more new stuff about being a dad and trying to teach one’s kid how to ride a bike:

• Riding a bike is hard, even with training wheels
• My son has no patience (nor do I)
• After five minutes he’s done. Swell.

Needless to say, we got past those issues over the next few days, and his riding sessions both lengthened and improved. Except… well… there’s more.

Here’s something else I should tell you about me… I have a bad back. Always have. I see a chiropractor (he’s a magic man), and thanks to his skilled hands and my ample insurance, I am able to live a relatively comfortable life (back-wise, anyway). Being hunched over, holding the back of my son’s bicycle seat, trying to help him up hills and maneuver the bike, was pretty excruciating. Thankfully a friend loaned me and handy-dandy “daddy bar” that attaches to the back of the bike so I can stand upright and still do work on the bike (if only a daddy bar was where daddies could go for a cold one whilst trying to teach their kids how to ride a bike!).

Next, my wife told me she read a tip about how wearing rollerblades can make it easier to glide behind the bike rather than walking or running to keep up with it. Well, as you’ve probably guess by now, I have a rollerblade story.

As a kid I loved roller skating. I grew up in the era of roller skating rinks, with their brown rental skates with orange wheels and orange rubber stoppers and disco music pumping overhead. I was never one of the cool kids with my own pair of black skates with glow-in-the-dark wheels and stoppers, but I rocked those rental skates like nobody’s business. Years later, before having kids, my wife and I decided rollerblades looked like fun. Fortunately we had the good sense to rent a couple of pair from a local shop before investing in what would have surely been excessively expensive, top-of-the-line models because (shocker) it did not go well. First of all, the stopper is on the back! What’s that about? My rental roller skates with the orange stopper always had the stopper on the front. That I know what to do with. A stopper on the back, not so much. Then there’s the whole issue of the wheels being all in one line. I get how that’s the appeal of the rollerblade, but it’s hard! I like my wheels two-by-two, and with disco music playing overhead. Anyway, that was the end of that. So when after ten years my wife suggested I strap on a pair of rollerblades as a means of helping my son learn how to ride a bike, I decided that simply wasn’t gonna’ happen.

As this story is running on a bit, let’s skip the next two weeks of my son mastering the training wheels, my back being geeked to no end, the training wheels coming off, my son and I getting really pissed at each other, and him learning some new words that daddy really shouldn’t have been saying, and jump to the moment when this all became one of the most worthwhile endeavors of my life thus far.

It was a lovely day other than the fact that a father and son, both with very little patience and growing levels of frustration were trying to get said son to master the two-wheeled arts. As with other advice, I decided to forgo the newfangled methods of teaching bike riding that include removing the pedals, teaching the kid to coast, and inch-by-inch, day-by-day, slowly getting there. No, I left the damn pedals on and just let him figure the damn thing out. Well, one day, he did.

I had him at the top of a hill with a very gentle grade and we started down as we had dozens of times before – me holding the “daddy bar” and my son wobbling his way along. And then it happened – the bike just kind of held itself upright and my grip on the bar loosened.  Next thing I knew I was running behind the bike with my hand hovering over the bar, but not actually holding on. We made it down the hill and I asked my son if he realized what had happened? He hadn’t. I explained that I wasn’t really holding on very much and that next time I can probably let go and just run beside him. He was nervous, but game to try. We worked our way back up the hill and started down again. After a confident, smooth start I ran beside him, ever-ready to grab hold should it have been necessary, but it never was. He’d done it and he knew it. And then the moment – the realization – the smile that beamed from a proud six-year-old’s face. A moment I will never forget.

Since that day we’ve moved on to confident riding on flat pavement and we’re working on getting up those hills. And every new accomplishment is still exciting and leads to a relatively proud moment for both of us. But nothing comes anywhere near that smile after that first solo trip down that first hill. And everything it took to get there was so damn worth it (if I do say so my damn self).

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Kids always seem to be surprised when they are caught in the middle of a lie — Mom really does have eyes in the back of her head! She really does talk to that little bird!

Is it really these eyes that Mom has or does that little bird really give the secrets away? Or is she just a master body language and thought reader?

I’m going with the latter. Every thought has three simultaneous reactions. They are:

1. Emotional
2. Intuitive
3. Physical

Emotional reactions occur chemically in the body. Think a sad thought and your serotonin level changes and then you feel sad. These are extremely difficult to mask, as they are automatic bodily functions. When your child lies, he/she goes through a chemical cascade of reactions that help to create a physical reaction.

An intuitive reaction is one that the brain’s vibrations send out for anyone to pick up on. When you pick up on an intuitive vibe, you often call it a hunch, a gut feeling, or a sense of knowing. You child is busted when you catch on to one of these! And you may not even be in the same room when the intuitive vibe comes in.

A physical reaction is one that is readable to an observer. Body language is often a dead give-a-way for a liar. Although many adults can mask these reactions, kids tend to be very transparent.

Here is a list of physical reactions of a liar after being asked a direct question:

1. Look up to the right and or touch the right side of their head or neck. He or she is creating the answer. High probability of NOT telling the truth.
2. Look up to the left and or touch the left side of their head or neck. They’re searching their memory. High probability of telling the truth.
3. Cross their arms before they answer. This indicates defensive posture. They are NOT pleased with the question. High probability of stall tactics forthcoming.
4. Answer the question with an initial high-pitched voice. Most children give this one away. They’re caught!
5. Answer with a cracked voice. They’re caught!
6. Touch or rub their nose just before or while answering. Not good! High probability of NOT telling the truth.
7. Look down from your gaze. They are in defensive submission. Guilty your honor!
8. Reverse the question. Classic defense that is used to buy time. “What are you talking about? Why do you always think I’ve done something wrong?” These reversals show a HIGH probability that you will NOT get a straight answer. Omission of detail usually comes next. Nip this in the bud NOW!
9. Change the subject. Common defensive maneuver. Most of us let adults off the hook. This is NOT acceptable for your kids.
10. Grab or clear their throat before or during answer. This reaction signals they feel threatened. Not a good sign!

Bonus Tip:

Intuition is real time information that you’re conscious mind does not possess, stemming from that intuitive reaction. It usually whispers to you and only once. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. More importantly, act on it.

Be honest with your children. Mold their honesty by your honest deeds. If you find a wallet full of money, take it to the proper authority and report it. Yes… it may cost you several hundred dollars that were in the wallet, but the value for your children is priceless. If they steal something, discipline them with swiftness and authority. Teach them that dishonesty has a steep price. They will always pay with embarrassment, ridicule, sorrow, anguish, shame, dejection, rejection, or misery.

Remember: Your kids are only as good as what they think/do when you’re not there. When you make honesty a habit, so will they.

FYI: The above body language readings work exactly the same for big people. Yikes!

Image credit: Penny Mathews

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Elementary school began yesterday, and on the one hand it seems hard to let the summer go, but on the other hand there were some moments I could have done without.  For instance, all summer long I put off getting my bi-annual haircut/head shave because my eight year old told me, “You’re ugly enough as it is.”  Don’t kids say the cutest things?  When I finally came home with my new ‘do,’ Skylee literally screamed, “NO!”  Then she added nervously, “Will it grow back?”

Others didn’t hold back with their honest opinions.  Skylee’s neighbor friend was with her and said, “You look weird.”  Fortunately my six year old Sabrina was there to pick my esteem up off the floor and actually said she liked the cut.  I’m still getting comments about the haircut, including one yesterday from a peer, “Your hair looked better the way you had it.”  Maybe I need to grow it out again and get a job as a rock star?  Regardless, after my experiences of the summer, I’m hyper conscious of what I say about people’s haircuts.

Andy surfing with friends by D. Kadah Tanaka

Skylee broke her wrist camping, after the third of a series of six scheduled nights.  I knew it was broken when I heard the cry.  Parents just know.  The banshee wailings is a big hint.  Needless to say the camping trip ended at that moment, but we salvaged some nights outside out.  I ended up pitching the tent in our backyard and we spent several more nights sleeping in it before I finally broke it down on the last day of summer.

Speaking of nights outside, Skylee and Sabrina saw their first shooting stars during the big meteor shower on August 12.  At about 11pm we went outside, sat in chairs and glued our eyes to the night sky, which is something we don’t do enough of in life.  I saw three, Sabrina two and Skylee one before we went in for the night.  The bulk of the activity wasn’t anticipated until after midnight, which was just too late.  So at 3am I awoke to catch part of the show.  I tried to wake both daughters, who wanted to get up for it, but they just didn’t budge.  So I went outside alone and witnessed more than a dozen stars streaking across the sky.  It was pretty damn cool.

This summer I shed weight and got fairly toned as I have been gearing up to surf the gladiator pit known as San Francisco’s Ocean Beach this fall.  My stomach right now reminds me of the body of a boa constrictor I had as a pet as a child.  No, I’m not talking about right after the boa swallowed its rats, when there was a big lump in its body.  That was my pre-summer look.  The lump is mostly gone, digested if you will.  I might not have the best haircut in town. but my body feels and looks better than it has since I stopped surfing regularly over a decade ago.  You can’t imagine how happy I am to be back in the water!

I figured if I didn’t get back into surfing now I probably never would, so I worked myself in shape.  As a result Skylee acknowledged my commitment to getting back in the water the other day.  “My dad is really good at exercising.”  She and her friend were talking about what people are good at doing.  At least they weren’t talking about my hair.

Title image credit: Vivek Chugh

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No, I’m not writing about the movie or its wonderful music. Instead, this column will contain lists of random things that I think fit those three categories. I was driving to Mammoth, a ski resort we frequent, alone and early in the morning and began reflecting on my life. I had a rough period recently and was feeling a bit blue.  I know that that feeling is fleeting, and I have much to be grateful for.  In fact, I know that gratitude is the key to happiness.

So, I started making a mental list of the things that I have to be grateful for, but I couldn’t help but also think of some of the ca-ca (a good parenting word, don’t you think?) in my life and the world, as well.  I’m going to try and stay focused on “The Good” though acknowledging and recognizing “The Bad and The Ugly.”

I believe the serenity prayer (and I’m not in AA) really says it all about how to view the world. We all get handed our pile of challenges, we just have to choose when to accept them, when to try to change them, and when to just let them go. I hope these lists give you a giggle and some good reflective thought as well.  So, with that lengthy preface, here they are, in no particular order, in each category:

The Good:

1. My two boys, Will and David.
2. My three dogs, especially Simon who we almost lost.
3. My good health.
4. My best friend Marty.
5. Boba, Pizza, and Coffee Ice Cream.
6. Eric Clapton, Bruce Springsteen, and Sinatra.
7. Computers (yeah, they also belong in the bad category), MP3 Players, and cell-phones (truly, they also are a mixed blessing!).
8. Skiing, always near the top of my list.
9. Hiking in the hills and parkland, right outside my front door, with my dogs.
10. Our new home theater with its amazing sound and picture, which makes going to the movies at home almost better than going to the theaters.
11. My good fortune in my former work-life and my luck in being able to retire so young.
12. My further good fortune in meeting my new wife, Loren (we just married this past Dec. 27, 2008).
13. My boy’s acceptance and love for her.
14. Our incredible honeymoon in Africa and its reminder of just how lucky we are, here in America, however much our economy is presently suffering.
15. My Men’s Group and the amazing support they provide during the challenging times, along with the wonderful friendships that have developed there.  These are friends that tell me the truth, not what I want to hear.  We need to hear the truth from our friends more often.  I credit them with making my marriage happen and work.
16. My growing second career in writing and the blessing that so many papers, online and hard copy, have taken my column on in a time when their industry is in such decline.

The Bad:

1. My parents’ death in the past three years.
2. My ex abandoning my kids, and the subsequent psychological effects that has created.
3. My moods and occasional whining (Loren will debate the use of the word “occasional”).
4. My impatience (especially with Will, my teenage know-it-all).
5. Hollywood and movies, reality television, and network news nowadays.
6. Lawyers.
7. Lawyers.
8. All the cruelty in the world.

The Ugly:

1. Radical Islam.
2. Bad parents.
3. Addictions.
4. Renee Zellweger (we call her lemon face, due to her puckered lips).
5. Dating (thankfully a thing of my past, now).

In looking back at these lists, I’m proud to reflect that the total of “Good” exceeds the total of both “The Bad” and “The Ugly.”  Yes, it is how we choose to react to life’s challenges, not whether we have them or not.  We all do.  And, in most cases, if given the opportunity to switch lives with someone we know well, we’d opt to keep our own bag of challenges.

A final and important reflection on this was beautifully and poignantly written about by Viktor Frankl, in his powerful book Man’s Search For Meaning.  I will paraphrase him when I describe his story of surviving the Nazi concentration camps during World War II.  He said that, of course, the Nazis had full control over every aspect of his life; what he ate, where and how long he slept, work, punishment, and life or death.  However, the only thing they had no control over was how he reacted.  That is our choice, too, when we face far easier challenges, even now.

Image credit: Tijmen van Dobbenburgh

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Face it. Doctors are pretty lame with practical advice on stuff that should come naturally to babies. So here are a few tricks we’ve picked – none risky, we promise – that might help you get your baby to sleep or back on track sleep-wise.

1. Dads, take charge. This is one area where dads can really add some value. Sadly, it’s because we have nothing more to add than just being odd and different though. Send dad in to do the final diapering and reading and baby won’t get distracted by the thought of mommy milk or the comforting sensations of the mommy aura. This goes also, unfortunately, for midnight diaper changes when you’re weaning the baby off breastfeeding. Babies won’t think “food!” when they see daddy’s breast-less chest and dad has a better chance of getting baby back to sleep.
2. Pump up the volume. Don’t let your child get used to a completely quiet house, or you may be subject to a baby who wakes to every siren or dog bark. Usually, yes, babies sleep through anything, unless they are conditioned to complete silence. If you’re using complete silence as a tactic in the sleep wars, you may be doing more harm than good.
3. Be all business at night. While moms and dads often can’t resist a cuddle with the baby or even trying to get the baby to smile or laugh while changing and feeding, everyone will get back to sleep faster if you are calm and efficient in the semi-dark, getting the baby back in bed with as little distraction as possible. This way, baby knows that daytime is playtime and nighttime is “get back to sleep as soon as possible.”
4. Let the baby fall asleep on his own. Every doctor or sleep specialist will encourage strict routines to help the sleep ritual. What some won’t think of though is making sure you put your baby in bed when he or she is drowsy rather than completely asleep. Falling asleep on your own is an important development step for a baby, which you can help by getting your baby in bed when you sense he is getting drowsy.
5. Treat your baby like he or she has jet lag. Experts recommend that when adjusting to new time zones, you should spend daylight hours in bright sunlight and keep out all light at times you should be sleeping. The same goes for babies. Make sure his or her internal time clock knows it’s nighttime.
6. Turn down the baby monitor. If you’re so sleep-obsessed that you have to check on your baby every few minutes, you’re going to end up teaching the baby that every gurgle or whimper gets mom or dad’s attention. I am definitely not a “let them cry it out” dad, but I do know that giving in to the temptation to just peek in on them usually reset the timer on my efforts to get my kids to sleep.
7. Skip the diaper change? Yes, maybe, if you don’t smell #2 and you think the diaper isn’t really full. A full diaper change, complete with baby wipe hitting warm skin in the night air, will definitely wake up a sleeping baby. Wake up a baby for one last feeding before you go to bed. This might be the one trick that scores you some extra sleep. While it might be risky to wake up a baby for more stimulation, if you can accomplish the feeding to a half asleep baby, it might mean your baby remains full and satisfied all the way until morning. This means you get some much needed baby sleep of your own.

Image credit: Csaba Magdo

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Your kid wants to stay up late, avoid homework, hang out with friends, and watch TV and play video games. In short, your school-aged child wants to do everything but go to bed early and do schoolwork. What’s more, he has lots of clever ways to wear you down and get his way.

Here are six ways school kids manipulate parents, and what to do about each one.

Emotional Blackmail: This is when your child deliberately demonstrates an emotion that she knows will cause you discomfort. “I just wanted to watch the new episode, then I was going to do my homework. How come I can’t have at least some fun before I do homework? You don’t care about me!”

What to do: Her emotional outburst is either a manipulative display, or she is genuinely sad and angry. Either way, acknowledge her feelings so she knows you care, but stick with your demand. Emotions are part of life.

Shutting Down: Your child will attempt to avoid dealing with an issue, such as getting in bed on a school night, by simply not responding. You tell him to turn off the video game, but ten minutes later he hasn’t moved. This will go on indefinitely until you stop it.

What to do: It’s normal for kids to do what they want to do, and delay what they don’t want to do. Give him a consequence and follow through with it, such as, “If you don’t turn off the Xbox in five minutes, there will be no video games tomorrow.”

Irrational Logic: This is when your child or teen tries to soften your reaction to a particular behavior by introducing irrelevant information into the discussion. “Why can’t I stay out till eleven on a school night? I got all A’s last year.”

What to do: Don’t take the bait. Don’t waste time explaining that one isn’t related to the other. Stand firm.

Negotiation: Children are great at getting their way through striking a deal with parents. “Let me go to Sally’s after school and I promise I’ll do all my homework–and that book report too.”

What to do: Tell her you know she wants to have time to play, but she hasn’t yet earned it. If she satisfies her end of the deal–homework and book report–she can earn that playdate.

Divide and Conquer: This is when your child attempts to get what he wants by exploiting weaknesses in your spousal relationship. “But Dad said I could watch the game with him as long as I do my Spanish vocab during the commercials.”

What to do: Discuss with your spouse ahead of time which types of decisions you want to share (e.g., homework, money, social activities), and then either consult with or defer to your spouse. If it falls in a grey area, tell your kid you need to think about it first.

Playing the Victim: Children are great at getting what they want by making you feel sorry for them. “I’m the only one in the house who never gets to go to a movie on weeknights.”

What to do: You need to separate the emotional content from whatever short-term goal the child is trying to obtain. Get her to talk about what that feels like to be the “only one” and let her know that you care about her feelings. Her short-term goal–of staying out late, however, is separate and unrelated. Don’t back down.

Image credit: D. Sharon Pruitt

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