Great!  So glad you are back and hopefully you have reached your senses and understand that “monkey see, monkey do” is more than just a quaint phrase.  We have all watched our kids emulate grown-up behavior and it’s no accident that children of all ages, socio-economic backgrounds, ethnicities, religions, and on – all do it!  It’s UNIVERSAL!  They will emulate the good AND the bad no matter how much we try to tell them what to do and how to do it – they are WATCHING!

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The word “furlough” snuck into our vernacular recently.

It’s commonly used to describe an unpaid day off of work. These pro bono vacations have become mandates in both the public and private sectors as a way to balance budgets during a recession. The Wife took one of her “furlough days” last week.

It could be worse. She could be out of a job entirely. But that argument doesn’t cover the shortfall. I offered to pick up the slack by working a few days at my old summer job. I worked as a landscaper throughout high school and college.

It’s a family business, which means my boss is also my dad. He agreed to hire me (a stay-at-home dad) on days when The Wife was on leave. I’m truly blessed to have an opportunity to walk into a good-paying job on such flexible terms. That’s not to say I’m much of a landscaper.

Some jobs you feel good about. I feel good when I write an interesting newspaper column. I’m confident about the process, my ability, and the end product. But something always seems to go wrong when I put on landscaping boots and that pale blue shirt with my name stitched above the breast pocket.

Some of you may be familiar with the story of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It’s a classic children’s book by Judith Viorst. Alexander’s day was indeed terrible, but I think my day may have been worse.

I arrived at work at 7 a.m. I checked the oil level on the truck I was going to be driving that day and found the dipstick tube had rotted out after years of snowplowing. The dipstick itself shot out of a hole in the corroded tube and was scraping against the outside of the rusty oil pan. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I was sent to pick up a new dipstick tube at a Chevrolet dealership. Along the way, another truck broke down with a faulty alternator. I called the dealership to get a new one. They didn’t have an alternator. I think I’ll move to Australia.

I managed to fix the dipstick. Then, I connected the truck and trailer, loaded a damaged tractor onto the back and headed to a mechanic’s shop located just shy of the Wisconsin border. I was about an hour into my commute when I heard a loud boom. I pulled to the side of the interstate and saw one of the rear tires had blown out. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

The flattened tire was a rear dual, meaning I still had one good tire to drive on. This allowed me to slowly pull into the Sears at the nearby mall. Of course, Sears didn’t stock the oversized tire I needed. Neither did the adjacent Firestone. Tire shops in Australia must be more accommodating.

The Firestone dealer gave me the phone number of a tire shop that provides emergency roadside service for over-the-road truckers. They had the tire I needed and promised to send help. The dispatcher said a repairman would arrive in two hours. As I hung up, my cell phone started to beep. The battery was dying. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

While waiting for the repairman, I wandered into the mall. I was dirty, angry and hot. I found an Apple Store and asked the clerk if I could charge my iPhone while I waited. He agreed. I sat with my arms crossed, looking like a seething hobo as bubbly tweens wondered out loud, “Like, why is my computer so slow?”

The tire repairman showed up looking even more ragged than me. He spoke very little English. What he did speak was mostly curse words. He swore at me for about a half hour while changing the tire. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I got back on the road, which was now a parking lot. The repair shop had closed but promised to keep the gate unlocked so I could drop off the damaged tractor. I arrived in the pouring rain to find a 30-foot gate blocking the driveway. I struggled with every bit of my puny frame to open the heavy gate. It finally gave way, allowing me to pull into the yard.

I skipped dinner thinking I might make it home before my two sons went to bed. I was making good time until the truck started to sputter. Again, I pulled over to the side of the road. I had run out of gas. According to the gas gauge, I had half a tank left. The gauge just happened to be broken. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I made my way down a steep embankment off the interstate. I walked about the length of a football field and found a Speedway. I bought a gallon of gas and made my way back up the Walter Payton hill. Hurried cars and huge trucks whizzed by as I bent over to fill the tank.

I eventually exited well-lit interstate and merged onto the dark, local road. That’s when I realized my headlights weren’t working. I finally returned to the landscape yard about 9 p.m. It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I’m told some days are like that. Even in Australia.

Image provided by the author.

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As a single parent of three children, I am bound to have communication challenges and disagreements with family members. I have two teenagers and a soon to be 10-year old, and when arguments have ensued, I have made my share of mistakes. As a father, I never want my children to be angry with me; however, I also want my children to know the difference between good and bad behavior. There is a fine line between having a mutually-respectful relationship and letting your children run out of control. Apologizing after a disagreement is an important parenting tool that requires a few important steps.

In this article, I want to share four easy steps that I learned on how to navigate family arguments and how to create an apology that is effective, sincere, and lasting with your child. Take a look at my steps and see how many of these items can help you understand the power of an apology.

1. Respect.
   I live by a rule of respect in my household. You can never give your child enough respect. What I mean by this statement is communicating to your child that you respect them and their feelings. Yes, as a father, I literally take a moment to say those very words and state my feelings of respect and make sure that they feel that the conversation is going to be safe and respectful. People can disagree, and that is being human. Making a statement of respect will ensure that the ensuing conversation is lasting and heartfelt.
2. Timing.
   Sometimes waiting after an argument is important for all parties to reflect on what has happened. I feel that rushing into an apology gives the wrong impression to the child, and it can often create more animosity. This is especially true when dealing with a teenager. My post-argument apology has worked better when I have explained to my teenager that both of us need to discuss our argument after a specific period of time to “cool down.” It is important to note that you do not want the cooling-off period to go overnight or for an unspecified period of time. This can represent disrespect or a lack of a priority with your teenager.  Make it known that you want to talk to your child and create a resolution with him or her. Request a time and stick with it. If your child refuses to speak with you after an argument, remember to give a little time to cool-off and then write a hand-written note to your child and slip it under his or her door. Tell them that you want to discuss the argument and that you want to understand their position and to apologize for any misunderstandings.
3. Be Present.
   Allow yourself to be dedicated to listening to what your child has to say. Listening is the new way of “speaking” to your child during an apology. Do not interrupt or defend yourself during the apology conversation. Interrupting will only invalidate your attempts to seek a resolution and your future dialog with your child. Show patience by listening to what is being said. If you don’t understanding something, literally use this phrase, “ So what you just said was…” and repeat exactly what you just heard from your child.  This gives your child an opportunity to repeat or correct what they are trying to communicate to you with the validation that you are listening. As a father of three, I have discovered this stage to be the most effective in creating an apology after the argument. After feelings are expressed and you are listening and being present, now is the time for the apology.
4. Sincerity.
   I used to think that mothers and girlfriends were the only people that could sense insincerity, but I was wrong. My children can sense how sincere my apology is, and I have realized that if I am going to complete my post argument apology, I am going to have to be authentic and meaningful. To make sure I am in the right mindset, I remind myself what I want most: a connection with my children. In order to have a connection, you must reach out to your child, especially in an apology. Something like this, “I am sorry for arguing with you, and I want to apologize for my actions. I want to have a meaningful and loving relationship with you that is built on trust, respect, and love. As your father, I am human and far from perfect. I am sorry that we had an argument and that I hurt your feelings. I have also learned that I will do a better job as your father by listening to your feelings about…”

In summary, I hope that these life lessons I have shared will help open new possibilities in the relationship with your children. For more advice and resources from a single parent perspective, go to www.SingleDad.com.

Image credit: Jesse Therrien

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Upromise is a very easy way to save money for college. There are several ways in which you can save money, and the great thing is that, you don’t even have to think about it. Once you sign up and register your credit cards (don’t worry it’s safe), you just go about your normal spending habits and save money.

Here’s how it works. Basically you register your credit cards, shoppers club cards, etc., for any company that is part of the Upromise program. When you buy certain products or eat at eligible restaurants, a portion of the purchase price will be deposited into your Upromise account. It’s that easy.

Amy and I have been doing it for probably about 6 years and we have $300 in our account. Now maybe you were expecting more money, but again, we signed up 6 years ago and I forgot about it until I received a recent email statement. The great thing is that I haven’t done anything different in these last six years to try to help Upromise. In fact, I should probably have a lot more, because for about half the time I forgot to update Upromise with my new debit cards we receive routinely from the bank.

Another great feature is that you can have family and friends sign up as well. For example, your parents can create their own Upromise account and pass their savings on to your little one.

What if you don’t have a child yet? Are your kids already through college? Doesn’t matter, you can still start saving now, and then when you do have kids or grandkids, you can move that savings into a 529 plan that can be used for their college expenses.

I’ve spent probably about 1 hour on the last six years on Upromise signing up, and registering new cards. That has earned me $300. I suppose if I spent a little more time actively finding places to spend my money that support Upromise, I’d have much more, but I like the idea of not having to do anything extra to earn free money.

Check it out – it will certainly be worth your time.

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I know my column is from my personal perspective, and often about my personal life.  Yet I feel this topic is more confessional than many others and affects me too often.  I take things too personally.  Having this deficiency is truly toxic when you are raising kids or beginning a new marriage, both of which define my present state of affairs.

Let’s give some examples and see how many of you relate to them.  Easy ones are when ShortRib (my wife) isn’t smiling, isn’t talking much, or doesn’t respond quickly to an e-mail or text of mine.  I always assume that it’s my fault or something I’ve done.

How about my boys.  I have a teenager, GuitarHero.  Am I crazy or what?  Teenager! What do I expect?  His interest in me is practically nil these days, as his friends and music dominate his life.  So, where I used to be the sun in his life, I may now just be the bank.  My younger son, JugHead, is the one most attached to his new step-mom and has always had an affinity for women.  Now, I feel neglected by both my boys.  Thankfully, I still have my dogs that, at the very least, will lick me incessantly.

In all seriousness, I know this problem is ubiquitous, as it is frequently a topic in my men’s group.  Our group regularly blasts each other for taking our wives’ reactions, our bosses’ reactions, even friends’ and kids’ reactions as personal attacks or reflections on ourselves.

Really, we’re not that important.  More often than not, whatever is going on has nothing to do with you/me, and that is an emphatic point in our group.  I’m smart enough to get it, but too thin-skinned to let it sink in.  The irony is that there’s an easy solution to this.  Why not just ask?  And why is that so hard with our spouses, in particular?

Another example occurred on our recent Spring Break ski trip.  One of the passions ShortRib and I share is skiing.  It was the first thing she put in her profile, online: “Do you ski?”  Yeah, we met online, which is another story for another time. She is actually a slightly better skier than I, though I tend to be faster (her reaction on reading this was to say “slightly” with heavy sarcasm). It was a cold day on the mountain and she seemed to be lagging behind, moody, and not skiing at her usual brisk and aggressive pace.

What do I do?  I take it personally.  I don’t ask (and she didn’t offer).  We almost got in a fight when she said she was going to quit in a manner that just felt hurtful (I really am thin-skinned).  It turns out, once we actually talked about it, that she was very tired from a lot of recent stress and her reactions to me, this day, had nothing to do with any feeling about or towards me nor was it the result of anything I’d done.  But I took it personally.

We realized, as a couple, how often we do this to each other and, again, this is where asking what’s up would have been easy and shown concern and compassion.  I wish I could do it over again.  Thankfully, she often comments on how we’re learning, growing, and getting better at communicating all the time.  But we’ve lived a lot of life before this second marriage and many years being single.  Adjusting is our ongoing challenge, in addition to all the changes she’s had to make in marrying a man with two boys in the house full-time.  Kudos to her.  I need to acknowledge that more often.

The true goal for a parent should be to raise independent human beings that can ultimately survive and thrive in the world on their own.  GuitarHero is mostly doing exactly what he should be doing at this age, learning his limits, stretching his boundaries, and not depending on me, except for moral and financial support, though I think only I care about the moral side of things.  JugHead had been living without a mom for so long, as my ex-wife and his biological mom left years ago, that I should view his affinity for ShortRib as a wonderful blessing (and it is).

Early on in my parenting life, I had to let go of the dream that my kids would share my interests.  This too, was another case of taking it personally, that they didn’t like my favorite foods, movies, music, and especially my avid interest in certain sports.  Fortunately, I didn’t allow this disappointment to show up in my parenting, so they were largely unaware of these unfulfilled hopes and expectations.  My experience being a Big Brother really saved me in this area.

This is the risk that we parents take when we put too much of our heart, soul, and identity into our children.  I have been and still am, at times, guilty of putting too much of myself into my boys.  As I’m a man and was a full-time dad for so long, it was sort of natural that I take my identity from this job.  Most men view themselves through the prism of their work and being a dad was my job for so long.  Thankfully, I recognized what was happening and re-invented myself, career-wise, in the form of writing this column, among other writing efforts and volunteer work.  My identity no longer revolves totally around my boys and none too soon, with my boys growing up and needing me less and less.

The bottom line is don’t take it personally.  I’m writing this to myself and to you, my readers.  Ask the question when you think it’s personal; recognize that kids are completely self-centered and, upon entering their teen years, completely out of control of their emotions, let alone their changing bodies.  It usually isn’t about me/you.  Get over yourself and you’ll be a better parent, spouse, or friend as the result.

Image credit: Stuart Caie

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“Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails — that’s what little boys are made of.”

– Early nineteenth century nursery rhyme

There comes a time in just about every dad’s life when his son will ask him for a pet.  And, since dog is man’s best friend, it would seem cruel to deny even the littlest boy a canine companion to call his own.

For many fathers, choosing the right family dog can be daunting.  But, when in doubt, it is always wise to pick a poodle.

Although I am not an animal expert, I am writing from personal experience.  As a young boy, I had wanted a dog.  In school, I wrote stories about dogs and drew pictures of dogs.  Finally, my second grade teacher said, during a conference with my parents, “Get the boy a dog!”  That same year, I was given the cutest puppy that I ever did see:  a white toy poodle with a heart of gold.

Aside from being absolutely adorable, poodles are hygienic and hypoallergenic; they neither shed their own hair nor cause allergic reactions in people.  These gentle, intelligent, affectionate, and obedient canines come in four different sizes — teacup; toy, like mine; miniature; and standard — and make for wonderful pets.

It is important to note that — like newborns, infants, and toddlers — poodles are often fearful of strangers.  As such, they possess a rather high-strung demeanor and may be inclined to bark at unfamiliar humans, as well as other animals.  This is just how they go about keeping trespassers off their property and their owners out of harm’s way.

At the end of the day, poodles want nothing more than to be with their families.  In fact, teacups and toys are quite fond of sitting on laps and being held.  And, as long as these dogs promise to remain on their best behavior, because of their small size, certain airlines and hotels are happy to accommodate them.

There is no denying that little boys and poodles can get away with things that larger creatures of their kind cannot.  Both love to play and will enjoy doing so together.  So, when the time is right, get the boy a dog.  Better yet, make it a poodle.

Image credit: Tracy Allison Altman

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As dads, busy with family and career, we often don’t leave time for ourselves. And if we do, it’s frequently just enough time to catch a football game or grab a beer. That’s nice, but it hardly helps us be all we can be. And it’s not intentional; it’s just that life fills our time rather quickly. It’s widely believed that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I beg to differ. In fact, I suggest that old dogs can teach themselves new tricks if they put their mind to it. In fact, they should.

I’m a firm believer that guys shouldn’t stop being guys just because they become fathers. Sure, you can’t possibly have time for everything anymore, and family time should be a priority, but you can’t be at your best if you don’t take care of yourself. You can’t maintain a healthy sense of who you are if you lose your identity in the busy pace of family life. That means you need to carve out time for yourself on a regular basis.

I found this out recently when, now in my early 30s, I took up action sports again — rollerblading, to be specific. Not recreational rollerblading, but the kind done on ramps and off flights of stairs, X-Games style. It was a mainstay of my existence through childhood and even through college, but as I got married and started a career it fell by the wayside. I’ve always wanted to pick it back up again “when I had the time,” but we all know how that works, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m in relatively good shape from mountain biking several times a week, but haven’t had my skates on in at least 3 years.

Presented with some time off from work with the birth of our third child, I stumbled across a local public skate park and remembered that my old skates were still in the back of the garage. I decided that waiting for “the right time” might never happen and, heck, I’m still young by most standards, so I reckoned that if it’s something I wanted, I should make the time for it. The next day at 6 AM, I headed to the skate park instead of for my usual bike ride (plus there’s no one around at that time in the morning, so there’s no one to laugh at me). And I’m glad I did! Not only did I get an amazing workout (30 minutes skating ramps is probably equivalent to a hard 2 hour bike ride), but I rediscovered something I’d deeply missed. In a strange way, I felt more like me again.

I now skate once or twice a week; it’s great exercise and I’m having a blast! I’ve reconnected with old friends who I discovered are still skating. I have to take care of my body much more deliberately than I used to, making sure to stretch and ice injuries right away, but that’s par for the course, I guess. The experience has also pushed me in other areas of my life. The first time I hit the skate park I lasted about 30 minutes. Now I can go out for 90 minutes… and I figure that if I can push myself like that than, I can push myself in my work and with my family to do more than I thought I was capable of doing — a valuable lesson, to be sure.

So, what are you “waiting for the right time” for? Stop putting it off. If you used to run, keep running. If you’ve always wanted to play guitar, go for it! You only live once, so make the most of it. Enjoy!

Image credit: Nathan Collins

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