3 sons - unemployed dad

[drike01]

I am new to any type of forum. And after doing a search online, I stumbled upon this site. I seee alot of great advice and information, however, it does not quite apply just yet. In short, I am still married. We have an 13 boys - 11 yr old, 8 yr old and an 8 month old. My 8 month old has gone thru 2 open heart surgeries and is set for his 3rd and final one in 2 years. I know this took us all by surprise with his condition, but she neglected him and also my older boys. I know it has been quite tough on her, but it has been affecting the health of my older boys. Upon numerous arguments, pleas, almost every possible approach, she said she wants out. I do not want to be the guy who belittles his wife. She is still the mother to my children, however, I had to quit my job to be home with the boys since she just lacked complete initiative. From no preparing meals, ordering take out every night, to missing my infant sons feeding schedule and medicine schedule. Glued to the TV. Even when I was working 12 hour days and 16 hour days, I would come home, clean the house, wash clothes so my older boys would have clothes for school. I even washed her clothes. Perhaps I made it all to easy for her. However, I am at the crossroads. We dont even sleep in the same room. I sleep in my room with my 8 month old and my 8 year old. I know my 8 yr old feels alot of the tension. For lack of a better phrase. I feel like the housewife, no offense intended, but the best way to describe how I feel. I do everything, and I do it not out of obligation, I love to see my sons lick there plates and enjoy their meals. I love being with my children. Their unconditional love has kept me motivated well, since I found out I was going to be a Dad. I feel like divorce or separation is the only means at this point. The kicker is that, I am now unemployed, she works full time now at a retail store so we are making for less, and I am unable to work since my 8 month son has medical needs, appointment with doctors, cardiologist, physical & occupational therapy and so forth. If anyone can provide insight or advice as to what I can do financially. Also the house we live in is my wife's family house that was passed on to her her by her mother. So it is not mine. I have my sister I can take the kids and go live with, but I do not want to pull them away from a great school or their friendships they have established. I thought about perhaps trying to find a nearby apartment, however, the kids would have to be with me and from going from a house to an apartment, Im not to sure. I really do not know what to do. Perhaps their is some sort of therapy or resolution in just typing this. All this has been bottled up inside. I really do not want to be the bad guy. I do not want to be a bully or unfair like my father was when he divorced my mother. I read another post else where that perhaps I have spoiled my wife. Even for example, me bathing my infant son. Now, she know how self sufficient I am. She literally comes home and does nothing but watches TV. Forgive me for rambling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know for women they have support groups, but for men, I guess I can endure this, but I really would like to get out and take my 3 sons away from an enviroment that has tension. My wife and I are cordial and polite. But there is awkward silence and I know the children pick up on that. Its not in my character to be quiet. Im a funny likable chap I would like to think. Happy go lucky.

In any case, thank you GreatDad for allowing me to vent a bit. -=- Dave R.

[DaveDadsClub]

Quite a long post - hope you feel better. I got made redundant 3 times in as many years. I thought seriouly about topping myself. My kids saved me. 3 years on I can't believe I was in that dark place.
I realised money doesn't matter so much as the freinds and family you have. sounds corny - it's true.

[Paul]

Hey, I know how you feel, but you have the nobler job. There is nothing as important as making sure your kids are well-fed, healthy, educated, and loved. Unfortunately, society keeps telling us that the job title and big car are the more important symbols. It sounds like you have the right perspective. Look for support groups in your area where you can talk about these issues.

Good luck.

[h3sean]

Oh my gosh. I feel for you. I hope everything goes alright. I hope your wife sees your effort and changes.

[Badstdad]

Wow! Drike, I was struck by your post - to the point of registering on this site specifically to reply (glad I found you all, btw). Noting it's been 5 months since you posted, I hope you're still following this thread.
Your post was a description of my life for the past 16 years. Only you left out the meth addictions and evictions and all the really ugly stuff. Anyway, if I may, I'd like to offer my advice, for whatever it's worth:
Do not wait. Take your kids to your sister's house at your first opportunity and start over without your wife. Granted, everyone's situation is different, and my experiences may not be relevant to you, but my experiences include the fact that she will not improve. On the contrary, she will get worse, and she will abuse every act of kindness or benefit of doubt your show her. Your living situation will get progressively more perverse and difficult and your children will suffer the most emotionally.
I have been through all this before, and my greatest regret is that I waited as long as I did. Waiting only compounded our problems.
I left almost two years ago - to my sister's house - and I'll say it was the best decision I've made in years. Even though I'm currently unemployed, my kids and I lead nice quiet lives. We've got our own apartment, the bills are more or less paid, and best of all, there's no yelling and very little stress. Any problems are resolved rationally and everyone is finally able to freely express themselves without fear of being ridiculed. Again, I'm speaking only from my own personal experience, but my advice is to follow your gut ASAP.
Good luck and best wishes,
Badstdad

[shakirah]

Try to talk with your wife and explained everything that happen for the past and listen very carefully of all the things that happen to the both of you. Then explained also that your kids are affected about the things happen.