Ten Steps to a Happy, Healthy Remarriage

Don’t call them deadbeats. Research shows that today’s fathers are spending more time with their kids than ever — an average of nearly three and a half hours a day more than Dads of a few decades ago. Kids and fathers alike are reaping the benefits; more time spent together sows the seeds of closeness. But the flipside of this trend is that it makes divorce more painful for fathers than ever before. As one man I interviewed said, “There are no words to describe the pain of not being able to tuck my kids in every night.”

His dilemma is not uncommon. While dads are increasingly parenting on the front lines, custody is still more or less automatically awarded to mom. “Even when custody is technically joint, dad may get far less time with the kids,” says Texas divorce lawyer Stuart Gagnon. And so they want the time they do get together to be perfect. “I don’t harp on my daughter to pick up her towel since she’s only here for a couple of days,” one dad told me. Another said proudly, “My kids come whenever they want, and when they do, it’s all about them.”

It might sound good in theory (particularly if you’re the kid of such a “Disney Dad”), but it can spell trouble when there’s a serious romantic relationship on the horizon or in the works. For all the benefits that increased involvement confers, Uber-dads have a harder time than their fathers did when it comes to balancing their own needs and their children’s. Over and over, women and men I interviewed as I researched my book Stepmonster told me of guys who felt confused, even guilty, about repartnering. “He and his kids won’t let me in,” women say. “I feel torn between my partner and my children,” the men confide.

Here are some guidelines for the divorced dad who repartners while wondering, “Can I pull this off?” The short answer: Yes! You deserve to move forward not just as a parent but as a person. Here’s how:

   1. Let go of the guilt. You’re allowed to have a relationship. And it will not harm your kids. In fact, seeing dad in a healthy, happy relationship can be a powerful lesson for the kids, reaffirming their sense that lifetime partnership can work.

   2. Let go of the fear. Divorced dads are often afraid that their ex-wives or their children will “punish” them for repartnering. “It’s a common anxiety but, to get through it, have faith in yourself as a parent and as a person,” advises Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, author of The Power of the Middle Ground: a Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship. “Yes, your ex may be angry and even say things like, ‘Daddy doesn’t care about you anymore.’ In this case, you need to demonstrate resilience: trust in your bond with your child while making it clear that he or she can talk to you about anything — including their doubts and fears. Do this and you will succeed in working through the challenges and transitions that lie before you,” says Babits.

   3. Accept that it usually isn’t easy. Kids and dads can become incredibly close post-divorce. That may mean more resistance to a serious girlfriend, no matter how nice she is: “Hey, she’s hogging my dad!” If you expect that it’s normal for your kids to be ticked about the change, you’ll be less likely to blame yourself — or your partner — when you encounter such predictable (but trying) bumps.

   4. Ask yourself the tough questions about your parenting. Do you parent from guilt and fear? Are you permissive? Have you created a child-centric household? Might your kids even believe they have veto power over your choice of a partner? All this sets her up to be the heavy, their opponent rather than their friend. Research shows that kids do best with authoritative parenting — high levels of warmth and high levels of control. Shoot for that to give your kids and your partnership a leg up.

   5. While you’re at it, get real about your kids. Know that if your situation is typical, they won’t necessarily act in ways that make it easy for your partner to spend time with them at first. Indeed, it’s like that your partner may at some point become frustrated about the kids. Understanding that your kids aren’t perfect during this transition will spare your partner the common snag of being the meanie who points out their flaws to you.

   6. Invite your partner to the center of the family — pronto. One interviewee told me that, as soon as he knew he wanted to marry his girlfriend, he had to tell his teen daughter, “I love you but I also love Holly, and I won’t let you be unkind to her. She’s here to stay.” This spared everyone months of agonized fighting about whose place was where, and whose role was what.

   7. Give a “jealous” or resentful partner the benefit of the doubt. Stepfamily expert Elizabeth Church notes that stepmothers and stepmom figures often feel excluded and shut out — because they are. Jealousy on her part is likely a sign not that she is a stepwitch, but that you have not yet invited her to take her rightful place with you at the head of the table, literally and metaphorically.

   8. Start from the ground up together. It’s important to avoid what I call Barnacle Syndrome. Many well-meaning divorced dads just want to stick a partner onto their lives as they already are, without altering a thing about their own routines, rituals, and habits. Sure, you have kids. But that doesn’t mean you don’t move into her place, get a new place together, or at the very least redecorate your place as a team. Acknowledge that things must change when you partner.

   9. Take time away from your kids. It’s as important as the time you spend with them. You’re taking the pressure off them, and teaching them that partners take care of one another, every time you do.

  10. Lose the unrealistic notion of “two firsts.” Remarriages with children are tremendously vulnerable and need extra tending. The sooner you tell your kids of any age, “I love you, but Susie is here to stay and I love her too, so you can’t be rude to her,” the better. Nothing is more confusing to kids or more demeaning to a partner than a relationship that revolves around your children.

Reprinted with permission by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Author Bio

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award. A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Two books arrived on my doorstep this week.

1. Rules for My Unborn Son is a very light read featuring 100 or so quick one-liners (”Don’t Swing at the first pitch.”) as advice to give to kids. There are some pieces of wisdom here that will mostly make adults nod in agreement. This is likely not a book you’d give as a graduation present – it’s more of a gift for a new dad. It might be a good way to start your own project of writing down your own “rules” to set aside for someday when your kids are interested in what tidbits of knowledge you’ve picked up along the way.

2. Stepmonster is a thorough examination of the thoughts and motivations of stepmoms. We don’t usually cover books written by women, but this seems like such an important topic. The publisher says that half the women in the United States will either live with or marry a man with children not her own. That’s a big number. Stepmoms seem to be in a losing position all around – not eligible in most cases for the true mommy love of the kids, yet having to sacrifice for their upbringing and in the attentions of the dad in their lives. Yes, there are plenty of cruel stepmothers out there, but I’ve also heard a lot of heroic tales of stepmoms who go beyond the call to prove they can step up to the role. This looks like a good book if you’re trying to understand how the other half sees things.