Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
Thanks, but I’ll pass. – Chef creates breast milk cheese
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010Seven more quotes and epigrams about dads and fatherhood
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. -Unknown
Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~Unknown
A father carries pictures where his money used to be. ~Unknown
It is much easier to become a father than to be one. ~Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994
The days are long and the years are short. – Unknown
And the one dads have been saying for all time:
It all goes by so fast.
At age 6, funny twists on words my son still says
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010You gotta love kids and the stuff they say based on what they hear and how they put together a dictionary of stuff in the world.
Some of the following words are not only understandable, they actually make for a better choice than the original.
1. Webbins – He’s a boy and he’s 6, so as much as we’d rather he wasn’t continuously jumping on the furniture making ak-ak-ak noises, he likes things that explode. Hopefully, he’ll be a webbins inspector and not a webbins trader when he grows up.
2. Valentimes Day – Most kids say this one for a while and it’s very cute, summing up a period of time rather a specific day.
3. Moat control – Ah, some days I wish that my remote control actually had this functionality as well.
4. I “sawr” it and “sawl” it. Maybe it’s his East coast roots, one generation removed, but sometimes my son sounds like he’d be more comfortable in Havahd Yahd.
5. Hermos – I guess if it kept little girls warm, rather than drinks, it could be a “her-mos,” but in this case, he almost has it right.
And finally, and my favorite, “Canimals.” These, of course, are camels. We’ve been playing Indiana Jones Wii a bit since the holidays and the scenes with “canimals” get him quite excited.
Like a lot of things about your kids growing up, I regret not having written more of them down. But it’s impossible to capture it all. Instead, you have to enjoy being the moment with them, without taking time to scribble their latest antics into Twitter. Otherwise, you miss it all.
What are your favorite malapropisms from your own kids?
Your best tooth fairy strategies and stories?
Friday, February 12th, 2010My son woke up yesterday morning, despondent that the tooth fairy had missed him. This was only his second tooth, so he has illusions of hitting the lottery with a take that would keep him in new Lego sets from here until his next birthday. His faith was unbending on the existence of said fairy, but he needed a reason for her non-appearance. Like any dad trying to keep the magic of mystical creatures, including Santa, alive, I had to think quickly.
Quizzing him, I discovered that he had been up since dawn waiting for a little flying creature to appear bearing banknotes to exchange for his “lost” tooth. The solution was easy. As man has done for millennia, the trick to maintaining faith in whatever is to embellish the story to make up for every exception. Faith isn’t created by belief, it’s created by the desire to believe. All I had to do was suggest that the Fairy only comes at dawn and would never appear if he/she knew that a little boy was sitting wide-eyed waiting for the guest appearance. With a quick “OK,” I bought myself another day.
This time, I had my cash ready and I surveyed the position of the tooth before sleep so I could get at it early. Within 15 minutes after my little boy went to sleep, the fairy arrived. His existence was secured. And all was right with the world.
If you have a child with at least two lost teeth, I bet you already have a tooth fairy story. Let’s hear ‘em!
Baby, meet dog. Dog, meet baby. It’s hard not to smile at this baby video.
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009Okay, I was a sucker for the Bonnie Hunt Show. It was pretty funny, but also had a lot of heartwarming stuff that felt kind of true three or four years ago when we were parents of very little kids. This video, as she says in the intro, doesn’t contain anything bizarre or amazing, but if you’ve had a baby or even if you just are human, it’s hard not to smile when you see it.
Rats – Again we didn’t make the “List of famous dads Americans want to see in their underwear”
Monday, June 15th, 2009A recent survey by Jockey brand underwear survey (Insert PR accolades here) names the following dads as intensely viewable in their underwear. This is not me talking, but rather 1000 “people” 18 or over in a random telephone survey. And the winners are:
Brad Pitt – 29%
Matthew McConaughey – 24%
Hug Jackman 16%
Will Smith – 16%
Barack Obama – 13%
The survey also actually queried whether people thought Obama would want boxers, boxer briefs or briefs as a gift for Fathers Day. I won’t titillate you with what style underwear most Americans fantasize our president wears.
I actually don’t recall getting the nomination form for this survey, which may explain why the list is so full of “non-surprises.” I gotta say, though, that since Bill Clinton, made the question “boxers or briefs” so important to the country’s future, I really don’t want to ponder Mr. Obama in anything other than a blue suit and rep tie.
What I Don’t Want for Mother’s Day – a little late for this year, but file this thought away
Thursday, May 14th, 2009Lisa Belkin gives a good round-up of where Mother’s Day money is spent and what mom’s really want. She also lists the worst presents, toting up examples of just plain dumb stuff, like long term care insurance or socks. Wow, that is stupid.
She sums up with her own conclusion, which would probably go for most dads I know (or at least this one).
What do I want for Mother’s Day?
To have someone else cook dinner. To get hugs from my boys — even the youngest who doesn’t like giving them so much anymore. And to take a long afternoon nap — without anyone noting whether or not I snore.
[From What I Don’t Want for Mother’s Day - Motherlode Blog - NYTimes.com]
After the weekly existential grind of carpools, and lunch-making, and allery medicine, and picking up dirty clothes, we all just want a little peace and quiet. Not time away from the family, but time with the family where we don’t feel that we still have to empty the dishwasher or put the wash in the dryer or even turn the burgers over on the grill. Just for one day…to live a TV family version where everything is in it’s place and food is magically on the table with kids magically washed and dressed, all set to say Happy “whomever’s” day.
Laws Concerning Food and Drink, by Ian Frazier Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father – The Atlantic (February 1997)
Wednesday, May 6th, 2009If you’ve read Ian Frazier in The New Yorker or elsewhere, you’ll know he has a real ability to satirize situations in a unique manner. If you’ve ever fantasized that you should be the Moses, King Solomon, or maybe King David, you’ll enjoy the longer piece the following extract comes from in the Atlantic. I read it to my kids and my five year-old enjoyed my solemn and Sunday school-like reading, but my nine year-old understood all the thinly veiled references to admonishments parents make every day and we had a good chuckle together about it.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.
Stay At Home Dad video on YouTube
Wednesday, May 6th, 2009I found this during my daily Google troll on the words “stay at home dad” and was introduced to the work of Jon Lajoie, a Canadian singer and comedian. Most of his other videos are funny, but are not meant for “General Audiences.” This one, however, is a crafty rap song with heavy metal guitar riffs on the life of a stay at home dad. Nothing new in here except that the production values and his sincerity belting out the lyrics (“I don’t do drugs. I get high on baby hugs.”) are impressive.
Other videos show his skill at touching introspective ballads that always take a salacious turn after a few verses. I have to admit to laughing out loud at some of them.
What my kids are saying this week – lessons and questions
Monday, April 27th, 2009My five year old boy and I are already mixing it up, as I try to get toys off the dinner table or ask him to put the lego down and brush his teeth. He’s now yelling back at me, “You’re not the boss of me! You’re the boss of yourself!” I’ve had to tell him I will be the boss of him for at least a few more years, but I’m also trying to figure out how to negotiate this power battle. He probably already knows I have a weak spot – I hate it when he says I “always” yell at him. Of course, I don’t. But I do worry that that will either be a big memory for him, or a childhood leitmotif.
My nine year old daughter asked me, “What does it mean to be a ‘friend with benefits’?'” Great question and so glad you asked me! My mind raced as I tried to be truthful yet not divulge more than a nine-year old needs to know. I replied, “I think it’s when you have a friend who also kisses you.” Not a brilliant answer, but it was enough for her. Unfortunately, we soon learned that she had read this reference in a book she had gotten at the library. The book, which she found in the kids’ section, and which came from the children’s department of a major publisher went clearly a lot farther than we would want. We consider ourselves involved, watchful parents, but I’m always amazed at the stuff that sneaks in when you’re only half aware. No damage done this time, but we are hyper aware now of the dangers that lurk. Friends of ours related how their daughter (same age) had gone to a friends house, and while the parents were in the other room, they had taken a walk through the seedier ares of the internet. That is not how I want my children to find out about the birds and the bees, but even less, I do not want to be the parent who has to call another parent and tell what happened. All of our computers are password protected and the kids can only go to sites we have approved.
On a funnier note, my daughter, who loves poetry, asked me how you get a “poetic license.” When she found out it was something you “use” rather than apply for, we both had a good laugh.
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