We’ve been reading Greg Wright’s new book, Daddy Dates: 4 Daughters, 1 Clueless Dad and His Quest to Win Their Hearts. Daddy Dates outlines Wright’s experience and advice on how to develop real relationships with your daughters as they enter their tween and teen years. His advice: Get off the phone, take time to be with them, and let them talk.”

Daddy Dates

We like all books that support the idea that you need to do more than just spend time with your family; you need to really focus on who they are and what they are thinking, especially as they go through the difficult years of adolescence. Wright, a motivational speaker by day, has found a winning concept in the idea of Daddy Dates, which is a straightforward how-to book for dads who are clueless on how to approach getting to know their kids. He suggests different “dates” or outings you can go on and how to prepare for them. In classic motivational speaker mode, he even has mini-personality assessments and grids to help you analyze and talk to the girl in your life.

Dad readers will find this book a good break from more scholarly books that often say much the same things about understanding the teen psyche. As Wright admits in all his marketing materials, his advice is as good as the next guy’s – he calls himself “clueless” in the subtitle – but the approach and the ideas are sound. Daddy Dates is mostly common sense put into an action-oriented plan dads can understand and execute.

Wright took a few minutes to give us some thoughts about his book and parenting philosophy.

What is the one thing you think parents should know about your new book, Daddy Dates?
I’m just an ordinary dad who is connecting with his four teenage girls in an extraordinary way.

What is the best thing dads can do in raising children?
Set a goal to be selfless. When spending time with your kids try to dial up their interests and dial out yours. Your enjoyment comes from watching you child have a crazy cool time.

What is the biggest parenting mistake dads can make in raising their children?
Thinking their only role is to make money.

Is there one practical parenting tip you’d suggest to dads?

Lean in. We need to “lean in” and pursue deeper conversation with our kids, especially if the subject makes us feel uncomfortable or we don’t have the answers to their questions. If we don’t lean in, then we set an expectation with our children that they can’t come to talk with us about sensitive or tough subject matters.

Every generation worries that their kids aren’t strong enough to handle the real world. Do you feel kids need to be “toughened up” by experiencing rough times?
We gain knowledge by studying what we should do and wisdom by experiencing what we actually did. That said, we should of course do our best to prepare them as much as we can, and pray that they will gain strength to get through what we could not prepare them for.

Or conversely, do you think kids need to be smothered with love to give them storehouse of good feelings with which to deal with the inevitable challenges of life in the real world?
Smothering is the universal sign for parental fear. Balance unconditional love with teaching kids the responsibility of their actions and your moving in the right direction

Has anyone inspired you to be a better father?

Many have inspired me. But hands down, Tom Lane, author of The Influence of a Father: How to Be a Role Model and a Mentor Your Children Need, is the greatest influence over my parenting style. The biggest “Tom” lesson that I have adopted is teaching my kids about their responsibility when making a mistake rather than exploding & pushing them to feel stupid for having made one.   

Traveling with Teens

The protracted screech of a braking train is perhaps the only thing less pleasant than the thought of a no-escape vacation in close quarters with a teenager. Travel can bring out the worst in people and if you are going through a rough patch with your teenager, don’t expect a family vacation to bring out the Waltons in you. There are things you can do, however, to increase your chances of good holiday. Ask your teen to help plan the trip, and make sure it includes things he or she wants to do. Avoid long drives in the car. Allow time for more leisure activities like time in the pool, even if you’re in a “once in a lifetime” spot. Go easy on iPod and video game restrictions to allow everyone a chance to chill out. And, try to keep your own emotions and reactions in check and stop yourself from saying things out loud that will only create more conflict.

Summertime travel can sometimes feel like a sacrifice when each person can’t get exactly what he wants. Travel dynamics and logistics are not nearly as easy as when you were a couple without kids. But like a lot of things in life with kids, if you look at children as an opportunity rather than as an obstacle, you can find things to do together that are made even more special because you are seeing things through their eyes.

Traveling can be very stressful, and traveling with teens doubly so, for reasons that are completely different than for traveling with smaller children. Teens are developing their own interests and more than ever, you have to plan around how best to incorporate their needs, however exotic or seemingly selfish into the program. Here are ten ideas to help the trip go smoother this time.

1. Remember who your fellow travelers are. Just as you wouldn’t take your sports-ambivalent wife to a week of baseball training camp, try to figure out destinations the whole family can enjoy. That doesn’t mean it has to be Disneyland or the least common denominator. Think instead, of places that will have real highlights for all members of the family. New York City for example, can satisfy many many different types of people with museums, sports legends, nightlife, theatre, and even great parks. But pick a single-interest destination, like say, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the entire family better be into rocking out, or have other reasons for being in Cleveland.
2. Ask your teen to help plan. We like the City Walks cards series because you can spread them out and deal them like cards. Easier for everyone to see than passing out a book, the cards give everyone a chance to pick an itinerary and there will still likely be things of interest for the whole group. They also come in a more limited series for kids. Either way, have everyone look through the guide books or websites and choose at least one thing they really want to do, so no one feels like they are being dragged along an entire holiday.
3. Try to stay near the center of your destination and activities. Nothing aggravates family dynamics and the fatigue factor like long car trips or transit. Even if it means cutting back elsewhere, a great location can really ease a lot of tension when a trip back to the hotel is easy.
4. Consider an apartment rental or hotel apartment. Nowadays, there are many more options than having the whole family stay in a single room. That’s not a vacation for you or your teeen. Short stay apartment rentals give you more space for your dollar and feature a kitchen for more casual meals (pizza!) and cheaper breakfasts.
5. Let your teen choose things “you didn’t come all this way to do.” Even if you’re in National Park and your teen wants to spend an hour in the hotel arcade, let him have a little break from the stuff you “should” do.
6. Set up a vacation budget. It’s better to give out a fixed amount for souvenirs and extras before the trip starts. If you say that the money is theirs to spend as they see fit and they keep whatever they don’t spend, you’ll create a strong lesson in budgeting, but you’ll also be amazed at how many things now seem unnecessary for them.
7. Let them bring a friend. Obviously this isn’t a possibility on all trips, but when it’s possible, it might make for a great solution for you to get some downtime. Of course, now you’re responsible not only for yours, but someone else’s, so take this advice with a grain of salt based on the personality of your child and his or her friend.
8. Go easy on the “no iPod/no video games” rule. While you may not let your kids be constantly plugged in at home, vacation may the time to let them escape into their own little world during long car, train, or plane rides. It gives them a little privacy and a little down time that might make everyone a little less stressed out than if you make them interact with you at close quarters during the entire holiday.
9. Check yourself before you speak. It’s easy to get caught up in slights and disappointments during a tirp and to keep bringing them up. Small little fights are likely inevitable, but you can short circuit a lot of longer fights by counting to ten or just saying to yourself what you’re tempted to say out loud.
10. Pack light. With airlines finding new ways to charge for previously free services, a large added expense may be checked bags, which, at $15 each one way, can add up very fast for a small family. Packing simply will also save a lot on back-breaking lifting, which usually is dad’s job.