Don’t call them deadbeats. Research shows that today’s fathers are spending more time with their kids than ever — an average of nearly three and a half hours a day more than Dads of a few decades ago. Kids and fathers alike are reaping the benefits; more time spent together sows the seeds of closeness. But the flipside of this trend is that it makes divorce more painful for fathers than ever before. As one man I interviewed said, “There are no words to describe the pain of not being able to tuck my kids in every night.”

His dilemma is not uncommon. While dads are increasingly parenting on the front lines, custody is still more or less automatically awarded to mom. “Even when custody is technically joint, dad may get far less time with the kids,” says Texas divorce lawyer Stuart Gagnon. And so they want the time they do get together to be perfect. “I don’t harp on my daughter to pick up her towel since she’s only here for a couple of days,” one dad told me. Another said proudly, “My kids come whenever they want, and when they do, it’s all about them.”

It might sound good in theory (particularly if you’re the kid of such a “Disney Dad”), but it can spell trouble when there’s a serious romantic relationship on the horizon or in the works. For all the benefits that increased involvement confers, Uber-dads have a harder time than their fathers did when it comes to balancing their own needs and their children’s. Over and over, women and men I interviewed as I researched my book Stepmonster told me of guys who felt confused, even guilty, about repartnering. “He and his kids won’t let me in,” women say. “I feel torn between my partner and my children,” the men confide.

Here are some guidelines for the divorced dad who repartners while wondering, “Can I pull this off?” The short answer: Yes! You deserve to move forward not just as a parent but as a person. Here’s how:

   1. Let go of the guilt. You’re allowed to have a relationship. And it will not harm your kids. In fact, seeing dad in a healthy, happy relationship can be a powerful lesson for the kids, reaffirming their sense that lifetime partnership can work.

   2. Let go of the fear. Divorced dads are often afraid that their ex-wives or their children will “punish” them for repartnering. “It’s a common anxiety but, to get through it, have faith in yourself as a parent and as a person,” advises Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, author of The Power of the Middle Ground: a Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship. “Yes, your ex may be angry and even say things like, ‘Daddy doesn’t care about you anymore.’ In this case, you need to demonstrate resilience: trust in your bond with your child while making it clear that he or she can talk to you about anything — including their doubts and fears. Do this and you will succeed in working through the challenges and transitions that lie before you,” says Babits.

   3. Accept that it usually isn’t easy. Kids and dads can become incredibly close post-divorce. That may mean more resistance to a serious girlfriend, no matter how nice she is: “Hey, she’s hogging my dad!” If you expect that it’s normal for your kids to be ticked about the change, you’ll be less likely to blame yourself — or your partner — when you encounter such predictable (but trying) bumps.

   4. Ask yourself the tough questions about your parenting. Do you parent from guilt and fear? Are you permissive? Have you created a child-centric household? Might your kids even believe they have veto power over your choice of a partner? All this sets her up to be the heavy, their opponent rather than their friend. Research shows that kids do best with authoritative parenting — high levels of warmth and high levels of control. Shoot for that to give your kids and your partnership a leg up.

   5. While you’re at it, get real about your kids. Know that if your situation is typical, they won’t necessarily act in ways that make it easy for your partner to spend time with them at first. Indeed, it’s like that your partner may at some point become frustrated about the kids. Understanding that your kids aren’t perfect during this transition will spare your partner the common snag of being the meanie who points out their flaws to you.

   6. Invite your partner to the center of the family — pronto. One interviewee told me that, as soon as he knew he wanted to marry his girlfriend, he had to tell his teen daughter, “I love you but I also love Holly, and I won’t let you be unkind to her. She’s here to stay.” This spared everyone months of agonized fighting about whose place was where, and whose role was what.

   7. Give a “jealous” or resentful partner the benefit of the doubt. Stepfamily expert Elizabeth Church notes that stepmothers and stepmom figures often feel excluded and shut out — because they are. Jealousy on her part is likely a sign not that she is a stepwitch, but that you have not yet invited her to take her rightful place with you at the head of the table, literally and metaphorically.

   8. Start from the ground up together. It’s important to avoid what I call Barnacle Syndrome. Many well-meaning divorced dads just want to stick a partner onto their lives as they already are, without altering a thing about their own routines, rituals, and habits. Sure, you have kids. But that doesn’t mean you don’t move into her place, get a new place together, or at the very least redecorate your place as a team. Acknowledge that things must change when you partner.

   9. Take time away from your kids. It’s as important as the time you spend with them. You’re taking the pressure off them, and teaching them that partners take care of one another, every time you do.

  10. Lose the unrealistic notion of “two firsts.” Remarriages with children are tremendously vulnerable and need extra tending. The sooner you tell your kids of any age, “I love you, but Susie is here to stay and I love her too, so you can’t be rude to her,” the better. Nothing is more confusing to kids or more demeaning to a partner than a relationship that revolves around your children.

Reprinted with permission by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Author Bio

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award. A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

We’re looking for winners in four categories for 2009:

1. Best film about dads and kids

2. Best film FOR dads and kids to watch together

3. Best starring role for a dad – looking for the character, not actual person

4. Best supporting dad – again, looking for the character, not the actor

Here are some examples from the past on great dads in the movies (courtesy Wall Street Journal):

The Champ(1931)

The Bicycle Thief (1948)

Kramer vs. Kramer(1979)

Life is Beautiful (1997)

October Sky (1999)

Finding Nemo (2003)

More to come…

Hoping to initiate lively conversation about evolution between parents and their children, the Ask the Kids Project begins today and will culminate on Nov. 24, the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin’s “The Origin of Species.” Parents are being asked to submit by the deadline of Nov. 16 their children’s honest responses to the question online at http://www.charliesplayhouse.com/ask-the-kids.php. Then, on the 24th, Charlie’s Playhouse will post and distribute a professionally-edited video compilation of the submitted responses.

Following are a few real-life examples the company collected from kids:

“Evolution is accidental copies of DNA in a bad way and then results in changes and sometimes the changes can be helpful or the changes can lead to extinction. I think Charles Darwin can explain it better.”

“Something about the evolutionary war.”

“Well, one thing’s for sure, it’s not the cave times when they had to sleep on rocks.”

“The first living things appeared, like medusa and the first fish. And fish evolved. And fish became something very important: a sleepwalker.”

“Evolution is candy.”

“Ummm, it’s science.”

“You mean like when we were animals and now we’re humans?”

“I have no idea.”

“When animals change to adapt to the weather!”

We’ve been testing four titles from my daughter and son’s favorite book titles and have their review here.   

Hadley’s Review (age 9): These games are very entertaining if you’re sitting around being bored. The only bad part about the I Spy game is that, unlike the books, it is very hard to see things on your tiny iphone screen,otherwise this game is good for ages 6 and up. I thought Word Girl was boring. I didn’t like 39 Clues, though I like the books.

Paul’s review: I agree with Hadley, but even more so. For adult eyes, the I Spy games are a bit hard to play. While I Spy preserves has a lot of the good parts from the books and software, the iPhone app is almost too small for one person, let alone playing together which is most of the fun of iSpy. My daughter just ran to get an I Spy book so she could see the bigger image to solve one of the riddles. Note that these are familiar illustrations and puzzles that you will find in the books. This might be a good thing since they are hard to see.

39 Clues is really a maze puzzle with less educational content. There are additional pieces that fill in parts of the 39 Clues story, but they won’t make sense if you haven’t read the books.

Word Girl tells VERY simple stories in simple illustration form, asking kids to choose between three vocabulary words to finish the sentence. The announcer voice is painfully bad, and the stories are pretty shallow, but each game has a simple video game that might entertain little kids.

I SPY Riddle Race: Combines the classic I SPY search-and-find play with the appeal of board games and timed challenges. Inspired by the best-selling Scholastic franchise, I SPY Riddle Race includes 60 interactive puzzles and is ideal for kids who love I SPY or casual gamers who love hidden objects

I SPY Spooky Mansion: Takes players on a hidden object adventure through a scary and mysterious mansion where the only escape is to collect keys by solving classic I SPY riddles and puzzles.

THE 39 CLUES Madrigal Maze: Solve a mystery that spans the world and history! Based on the best-selling multimedia program by Scholastic, The 39 Clues Madrigal Maze app takes players on a training mission to solve a series of 39 mazes and become a member of a top secret organization in the hunt for The 39 Clues. Players who accept the challenge and succeed will unlock exclusive access to a secret Madrigal Encryption Key on www.the39clues.com.

WORDGIRL Word Hunt: Behind every good hero is a good word! Based on the Emmy award-winning television series from Scholastic, the WordGirl Word Hunt app takes budding superheroes on an action-packed adventure to help WordGirl save the city from villains by using vocabulary words. Featuring favorite characters from the TV show that airs Monday through Friday on PBS KIDS GO! and online at pbskidsgo.org, players will save the day while learning over 100 word definitions in 40 rounds of crime-fighting gameplay.

The apps are available for either $1.99 or $3.99 from the App Store on iPhone and iPod touch or at www.itunes.com/appstore/.

GreatDad.com Review Policy: The featured product for this review was provided to us, at no cost, by the manufacturer or representing PR agency for the sole purpose of product testing. We do not accept monetary compensation for reviewing or writing about products. We only review products that we have personally tested and used in our own homes, and all opinions expressed are our own.

Disney Pixar’s Up is coming out on video on November 10. I saw this with my wife, kids and their grandma and everyone had a great time. Up! is another winner in classic Pixar fashion, with incredible graphics, a fair amount of sentimentality (the first part is a little too maudlin for me) and a lot of good humor. No, it’s not a post-modern wink at popular culture like Dreamworks films like Shrek, but there are some very very funny parts in here that will keep everyone entertained and repeating key lines for weeks afterwards.

If you’ve seen any of the ads, you’ll know this is a key shot from the movie. And it certainly stimulates the imagination. Here are a few fun facts from their publicity agency that might come in handy when your kids quiz you on why they don’t fly away when they get a balloon on their birthday, or how many balloons it would take to lift a small child.

Balloon science:

Have you ever wondered how many helium balloons it would take to lift different objects Up into the air?

• Helium has a lifting force of about 1 gram per liter.
• An average size party balloon is approximately 30cm (one foot) in diameter.
• It can hold approximately 14 liters.
• That’s 14 grams of lift power per balloon.
• Estimate and subtract the weight of the string and the latex balloon.
• Formula: 1 balloon = 10 grams of lift power.

How Many Balloons Would It Take To Lift:

Your Neighbor’s Dog?
A happy Labrador Retriever dog weighs in at about 32 kg (70 lbs). It would take approximately 3200 balloons to lift this furry friend off the ground.

A Bicycle?
The average bicycle weighs approximately 19 kilograms (or 42 lbs). You will need approximately 1,900 balloons
to turn a 2-wheeler into an air-bike.

A Sumo Wrestler?
The average weight of a Sumo wrestler is approximately 148 kg (or 326 lbs). That means it would take about 148,000 balloons to send this guy Up.

A Small House?
This figure can vary in terms of quantity of balloons given the size and scale of the house. Let’s say the house in Disney/Pixar ’s movie Up weighed about 46,000 kg (that’s 101,413 lbs). That means it takes approximately 4,600,000 balloons to send Carl’s home Up and away!

The Children’s Defense Fund, a non-profit child advocacy organization that has worked relentlessly since 1973 to ensure a level playing field for children, has launched an urgent digital campaign to mobilize thousands of supporters nationwide in Champions for Children’s Health Stroller Brigades to tell Congress that health care reform must provide all children with the care they need no matter where they live.

I want to help spread awareness about the inequity in the proposed health reform legislation and show supporters how to communicate directly with their Members of Congress. If you want to get involved, visit their site here: http://www.childrensdefense.org/strollerbrigade/

Thanks for considering joining this effort.

Reasonable experts I talk to say you should cover up when you start to feel uncomfortable.

Another issue here is that she is not the child’s mom, so self-selected experts are dying to opine on that difference, and also whether the reaction would be different if it were a 6 year old girl and a stepdad. Again, it’s probably what her family feels comfortable with and really none of my business except for opening up a discussion of what makes sense for me and GreatDad readers. in my most humble opinion, in our house, six would be about the limit, stepmom, stepdad, or whatever. We try to desensationalize all this in our house, preferring to just suggest closing the door. Nudity is no big thing, but we also reach a point where we need to talk about what privacy means as well.

When kids see their parents (or their dad’s girlfriend) naked…

Hilary Swank walks around her house in the buff, even when her boyfriend’s 6-year-old son is around. Isn’t this healthy and natural?

[From The Mommy Files : When kids see their parents (or their dad's girlfriend) naked...]

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1)
By BRUCE BUSCHEL

Herewith is a modest list of dos and don’ts for servers at the seafood restaurant I am building. Veteran waiters, moonlighting actresses, libertarians and baristas will no doubt protest some or most of what follows. They will claim it homogenizes them or stifles their true nature. And yet, if 100 different actors play Hamlet, hitting all the same marks, reciting all the same lines, cannot each one bring something unique to that role?

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.

3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.

[45 more at 100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1) - You’re the Boss Blog - NYTimes.com]

Nielsen reported last week that children ages 2 to 5 spent nearly 25 hours a week watching television, the highest figure on record. They spent an additional seven weekly hours watching DVDs, playing video games, and watching TiVo-style time-shifted television.

[From Drilling Down - Children Ages 2 to 5 Watch More TV Than Ever - NYTimes.com]

We all know TV can’t be good for little kids. We all read the same reports and know if makes a bad baby sitter. We also depend on it periodically to keep the kids busy for a few minutes while we do a few emails or finish making dinner.

But we know it doesn’t have to be on all the time. Let’s all resolve to leave it off except when we really need it. We can wean the kids off it, pointing them to their pile of unused toys, and maybe getting down on the floor with them to reaquaint them with Legos, Barbies, and train tracks.