There are certainly days when I look forward to the kids moving out and giving me a little peace and quiet. That day will come soon enough – they are 5 and 9 now – and off they will go to college. More and more in this economy, kids are moving back home after school after they find that jobs are scarce, or maybe that mom or dad will still do their laundry.

How much should you charge a returning prodigal son or daughter? Experts agree: It depends.

If your son or daughter has a job, you should charge something akin to the going rate based on real estate prices in your neighborhood. Especially if this is the first “on their own” experience, it’s important that they understand living within your means before they develop bad habits based on an unreal situation. It’s nice to live rent free at Casa Mom and Dad and spend all that extra money on cars and parties, but that’s not the way life works.

On the other hand, if no job is to be found, it’s still important that your kids pitch in in a way that goes beyond their responsibilities before they started school. You might give them some slack if they are deep into the first throes of looking for a job, but still ask for help with household expenses or extra chores. You’ll have to decide what is reasonable, but it might be important to make it clear that this is just a temporary situation until the economy improves.

If you decide to “rent” to your child, remember that technically that is taxable income and should be reported. Inter-family finances are not an area that the IRS scrutinizes, however, though you should not try to generate big rental losses on the depreciated second bedroom you rent for $100 to your tenant child.

It seems like a new celebrity father gets divorced every week. Recent divorced dads include Jon Gosselin, Robin Williams, Usher, Mel Gibson, Bradley Whitford, Edward Furlong, and Thomas Jane — and those are just the famous ones. Roughly half of all American marriages end in divorce and some studies suggest 60% of those splits involve children.

But while there’s abundant advice directing divorced fathers to avoid “screwing up” the kids, there’s little out there to help dads appreciate the big parenting opportunity — yes, opportunity — before them.

Below are, IMHO, the ten most important things divorced fathers should realize as they transition parentally from “Husband and Father” to “One-and-Only Dad”:

1) You divorced your ex, not your kids

Many divorced dads disconnect from their kids when they separate from their ex-wives, but the divorce can actually be an opportunity to re-connect with your children — this time on your own terms.

2) The only parenting expectations worth a damn are your own

Divorce freed you from not only your ex-wife’s expectations, but those of your parents, her parents, Dr. Phil, and all those dads you see talking joyously about fatherhood on television. You’re the expert when it comes to your kids. Create your own expectations and standards.

3) There’s no such thing as a part-time dad

You’re either a dad or you’re not. Many divorced dads spend more time with their kids than fathers in intact families. But no matter how much time you spend with your children, if you commit to it regularly and responsibly, you’re a dad. Period. Exclamation point.

4) You are not a babysitter

There’s no need to constantly take your children on expensive adventures, shower them with gifts, or keep them perpetually entertained, as if filling a perceived hole in their happiness. They are just as happy to simply be with you as you are to be with them.

5) Your children have two homes…and two sets of rules

Your kids don’t “visit” you; they live with you. They have one home with Mom and another with Dad. And if they can adapt themselves to different rules between home and school, they can do the same between home and home. The phrase “But Mom lets us” carries no weight in your home.

6) You have an “inner dad”

There’s an “inner dad” inside you. He’s the one who tells you when it’s OK to let your son stay up late, when it’s appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter, and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, no-shoes family wrestling match. You’ll get to know that inner dad gradually, moment by moment, and in the process become a more genuine dad — the best kind of dad you can be.

7) Most kids can cope

Divorce doesn’t necessarily mean therapy time for your kids. Studies show that many children cope well with divorce, especially if there’s joint custody and the kids are encouraged to openly express their feelings and fears. When I got divorced, a quick internet search told me I was ruining both my and my children’s lives. But it didn’t go down like that — in fact, I now feel like a better dad than I’ve ever been and I’ve stopped treating Google like my conscience.

You can do what you like

Too many moms and dads feel martyrdom is a necessary part of the parenting process. Find those things that you and your children honestly enjoy together — going to the movies, having cart-races at Kmart, bowling, or impulsively getting pizza in the mid-afternoon. Your children love nothing more than watching you enjoy yourself with them. And it’s way more fun than standing on the playground sidelines checking your Blackberry, isn’t it?

9) Your issues with the ex don’t belong in your kids’ lives

Like the corn and mashed potatoes on your first-grader’s plate, your parenting should be separated from any conflicts you have with your ex. Children need to know their parents’ love is unconditional and impenetrable, even and especially in the face of something as potentially devastating as divorce.

10) You’ll screw up…and that’s okay.

Making mistakes is as fundamental in parenting as making dinner. Own up to them — your kids will learn that they can too.

Joel Schwartzberg is a father of three, an award-winning essayist, and author of the first-of-its kind collection of personal essays from the perspective of a divorced father, “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad“

Reprinted with permission from Joel Schwartzberg.

ONCE SEEN, NEVER UNSEEN

When I was only nine years old, and living with my mom and my brother in the Hollywood Hills of California, our traditional Sunday dinner was interrupted by the sound of screeching tires and a huge explosion.

We raced outside to see that two cars had collided head-on in the middle of Franklin Avenue. Hubcaps were still spinning on the pavement as we ran over to see if we could help. A fire was just starting in the Volkswagen, and the other car was on its roof. My mom was five feet, five inches tall and weighed a hundred pounds at the most, but she somehow found the strength to pull the passenger, a six- two man, out of the burning VW and drag him twenty feet away, where she ministered to him until the police and fire and ambulances finally came.

But the driver of the VW was not so lucky. I guess he had banged his head pretty hard and was nearly unconscious. When I walked up to ask him if he was okay, I looked inside the car. His feet were on fire. A minute later, the whole thing burst into a big flame and he disappeared in it. I could not take my eyes off him. Now, of course, I wish I had.

Once seen, never unseen. The images that seared across my retinas that night so many years ago are with me today and will be with me forever. My mother would tell you that she told me not to look, but how could I not?

Today, when I am watching television with my boys, I am overwhelmed by the images that have become so commonplace. It’s not just the news or the spectacle stations, but all the crime show ads and Court TV and CNN.

In films, on television, in the newspaper, on the Internet, in everyday life, disturbing visuals are everywhere. Protect your little people from sad sights that will stay with them forever. Cover their eyes if they are too young to do it themselves, and teach them to cover their own eyes as soon as they can. There is no good reason for your child to know the morbid details of the passings and the horrors that are captured and broadcast these days.

Once seen, never unseen.

There’s no excuse for using a television as a babysitter, unless you’ve lost control of the TV. We all need a break now and then and TV isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is important to know how to control the television, without letting it, and your kids, control you.

Here are a few tips to help make it easier for you to keep the kids playing with their toys and reading books rather than watching mind-numbing TV for hours.

1. Leave the TV off. If you set the example of TV running continuously, you can expect to have kids who watch whatever is on without thinking of alternatives.

2. Schedule program times or use your Tivo to play particular shows. It’s better to have a show in mind rather than letting the TV run. You have more control over what type of show and how long the kids will watch. You can get them to agree to “one Backyardigans,” but it’s harder to turn a show off halfway through when you sense they have had enough.

3. Out of site, out of mind with the family TV. Make you family TV or TVs hard to get to. Most families make them the center of the family room or living room. If you put the TV in a place that isn’t the most comfortable, there’s less incentive to hang around there. Keep TV out of kids’ rooms.

4. Never serve food at the TV.

5. Make your kids ask you if they can watch TV. Rather than allowing them to watch one hour per week, they will get a better idea that watching TV is a privilege rather than an expected dose they should expect every day.

6. Choose quieter shows. Stay away from scary shows or violence, especially with small kids. You probably notice that your kids are more wound up or cranky after watching violent shows, a reaction that shows up in research studies.

While the average American child watches TV 3-4 hours per day, nothing says that your kids have to watch any at all. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents of kids 2 and older to let them watch no more than one to two hours daily. The AAP recommends that kids under 2 watch no television at all.

Plenty of PDA that doesn’t get out of hand is good to show your kids. It’s important that they see what a loving relationship looks like, and that also includes supporting and helping your spouse in ways they can clearly see. Try to think of it in terms of the type of future wives and husbands you would want to see them become, or be attracted to.   

SMILE WHEN YOU SEE THEM

The Nancy Armato Rule

Antonina’s mother, Nancy Armato, is the ultimate child greeter. She smiles and beams and bursts with pride at the sight of her three children and her six grandchildren. No child who enters her home has any doubt whatsoever that he or she is completely welcome-there is no room for doubt.

Grandma Nancy’s hugs, kisses, compliments, questions about a new toy or shoes, recognition of a sterling report card, or her recalling a goal in a recent soccer game-all are part of her fabulous greeting. Every child gets his moment.

The children around her respond in kind. They feel so loved and welcomed by her that it literally and physically changes them. They open to her like roses bathed in the warmth of the morning sun. She adds a patina of grace to their lives when each one realizes they have given her reason to smile.

Watch your son walk into a room. What is the first thing he does?

He looks around at the faces watching him walk in. He is instinctively searching for the visual cues that tell him that he is welcome and a part of the family, that he is loved and wanted, and that he was missed while he was gone.

The easiest and simplest way to give him the approval and welcome he seeks is to smile when you see him. A smile instantly sets him at ease. A smile says, “Yes, I love you.”

A frown, or only a grunt of recognition, faint praise, or sheer disinterest, sends a message of dismissal.

Let your son feel welcome from the first moment he sees you. Let him know that he is loved and important to you, always and forever. When you see him, smile, and leave no doubt that at that moment he is the most important person in your world.

When you look back in your own life, many of your memories are likely things that you did with your parents over and over, like attending baseball games or celebrating Thanksgiving. Over the long haul, kids will remember less what you said to them and even less your good intentions, than the experiences you shared together. Make a conscious effort to create memories with your kids. That does not have to mean an expensive vacation, but instead doing things together that have meaning for all of you.  

TREAT HER LIKE YOUR BOSS

No matter how tired or fed up you are with how things are going at the office or store or school, or wherever you might work, if the person who signs your paycheck walks in, somehow there is a little reserve of goodwill saved up, just for him or her.

From out of thin air comes a smile or a sudden lilt in the voice, or a very optimistic assessment of the absolute disaster staring everyone in the face. This good-natured version of you is like a can of emergency survival instinct, always there somewhere, just waiting to be used.

This is the source to which you might consider turning when you are completely fed up with your daughter, when she has found your last nerve and is standing on it, when you realize you have memorized the phone number of the private military academy over in the next county.

But instead of raising your voice to her, instead of saying some things you may regret later, instead of reminding her that you brought her into this world, instead of embarrassing her in front of the entire family, even though that is precisely what she deserves, just imagine . . .
What would you do if your boss suddenly walked into the room? Hmmm. Would you pull him by the earlobe? Would you stick your finger in his face and hiss like a snake? Would you ask him the same question over and over? Would you ask him the same question over and over? Would you call him a name? Would you call him by his full name in a loud voice with lots of extra pronunciation on all the consonants?

Probably not. Not if you wanted to keep your job.

To your boss you would show complete respect and consideration. To your boss you would give the benefit of the doubt. There is no concession you could not make, and no compromise that could not be reached.

Your daughter should get the same respect, if not more. Why not let her meet the kind and considerate you hiding there behind the angry and frustrated version? Why not introduce her to the resilient spirit who always finds a reason to laugh at a situation, regardless of how dire?

Let her say hello to the forgiving optimist who makes a self- deprecating remark to lighten the mood, and makes the whole room laugh. Let her hang out with the practical gamer who always finds a way to look at the bright side of things.

Treat her like your boss.
Excerpt from Parking Lot Rules & 75 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Children by Tom Sturges

Find one on one child time and schedule it. Like every other important thing to get done, scheduling time your child is important. Even if it’s just 10 or 15 minutes with each child, it’s important to focus just on your child for short amount of time each day. That means no newspaper, no Blackberry, and no TV in the background.

Don’t be a helicopter parent. Kids have to find their own way in the world and that means finding solutions. While it’s hard to watch a child be frustrated and fail, this experience is important to teach self-esteem and resilience.