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Dad rules: surviving Christmas – Times Online
Here are some funny dad rules for surviving Christmas, especially the one about doing something really nice to kick things off, listen to people say “you shouldn’t have,” and then “don’t” for the rest of the holiday. I do wish I understood what a “lilo” (#6) is however.
Dad rules: surviving Christmas
Andrew Clover
Listen up. You’ve only a few days to prepare before you travel to enemy territory for Christmas. Here’s a checklist for survival:1 The curse of Christmas is that there are always people more generous than you. And there’s always one random — eg neighbour, friend of Mum’s — who’ll shame you with chocolates. Be prepared: hoard bottles of something you can claim to be your favourite wine. Make cards with your children. My daughter Cassady, 5, did one that depicted the Christmas fairy. (“She does not like sitting on Christmas trees because she gets needles in her pants.”) I’ll be giving those to everyone.
2 Obviously, you want to arrive early so as to bag rooms before your sister arrives, but don’t drive children in the daytime, or you’ll arrive stressed and covered in crumbs. Tell your sister you’re arriving on the 24th. Drive up on the night of the 23rd.
3 Bring earplugs, holly and manners. A good idea is to wash up immediately after arriving. Everyone will say: “Oh, no, you really shouldn’t.” For the rest of the visit, heed their advice. A good ruse is to be the one who befriends the aged relative. When in doubt, sit on the sofa and nod.
4 Beware — there may be enemy children about, and you must show you’re a good sport by engaging with them. The trick is to delay this as long as possible, or they will seek you out as their special friend. Wait till the last day, then make an impression by flying them round the living room. Make sure you don’t trip, though, or you’ll crash-land them onto Granny.
5 Just accept it: all mums are insane throughout Christmas. There’s little you can do. Peel potatoes. Keep smiling. Ply with drink.
6 Steel yourself for siblings. You’ve not talked in a year; suddenly, you’re sharing a lilo on the floor.
7 Keep your discipline. Last year, we visited the in-laws, who are restrained, ascetic people, who drink moderately and snack on brown organic apricots. My head felt like one of those apricots, after I’d stayed up till 3am enjoying a one-man party of booze, fags and Bourne films. I arrived in the kitchen at 8am. Sister was making a sauce. Mum was chopping leeks while listening to a report on the Indonesian economy. There was nowhere to hide.
8 Go to bed early and don’t make festive innuendos such as “I’ve got to stuff the turkey”, or “I’d better get to bed. Later, I’m coming down the chimney”.
9 You’ll be under surveillance from mums determined that everyone should have fun. At all times wear a smile, a festive hat and the ugliest and most garish present you’ve been given.
10 Remember to enjoy yourself. If you don’t, someone will attack. ’Tis the season to be jolly. And if you can’t be jolly, get drunk.
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Best last-minute gift ideas for moms
Just a few days left to get your shopping done. Here are some ideas if you’re short on time.
1. Go to the bookstore. Books are a great idea because you can wander the aisles and be prompted by book titles to think of the right subject for the recipient. A trip to a bookstore, even after work, or on a Sunday afternoon, is a relatively peaceful experience and you might even consider it a break in an otherwise hectic shopping day. Books also have an important advantage: they are easy to exchange or return for full refund.
2. Concert DVDs. Here’s an idea that not everyone thinks of especially for women. If you were the one to buy the 55 inch HDTV, a concert DVD is a perfect way to showcase its features. With so many DVDs for rock, classical, jazz, and every other style imaginable, you can find something really original that will bring the music home.
3. Theater, ballet, opera, or anything else you usually don’t attend, tickets. Many women complain that man just won’t go to these types of events. If there is a type of performance that she’s dying to see, this will surely be a hit. You can even suggest you take another friend, but for even larger effect, volunteer, without complaining, to attend with her.
4. Flowers. Don’t forget this old standby, especially if on Christmas eve day there are still no flowers on your holiday table. Even though there’s not a present to unwrap, flowers are never unwelcome as a surprise gift.
5. Don’t forget that spa certificate. While the spa certificate has become a cliché gift, it’s still always a welcome one. What woman doesn’t want to be pampered for an hour or even a full day. To make this gift extra special however, take the extra step of making a tentative appointment in the near future, as well as making childcare arrangements. Then, all she has to do is show up. This is far better than putting the onus on her to find child care and the perfect moment to take a break.
Remember that online services still can ship with just two days, or even one day advance purchase. If you still have lots of shopping left to do, consider an Amazon prime membership, which provides free two day shipping on all purchases for $79 per year. It isn’t cheap, but it is a good deal if you have a lot of shopping and shipping left to do.
Have a great holiday!
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Shrek the Halls DVD – a fun holiday appetizer for the whole family
What is it about the Shrek franchise that makes both kids and dads laugh out loud? All the Shreks have been good, mostly clean, family fare that work on both adult and kid levels. My kids and I watched Shrek the Halls last night and both my four-year old boy and eight year-old girl laughed through the whole thing. At one point, I even had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard.
Clocking in at 22 minutes, this video is a a very short diversion that may even become a classic about the holiday season like “It’s a Wonderful LIfe” or The Grinch. At least you can tell yourselves that when you take a break from wrapping presents to indulge for a few minutes. The movie’s premise is simple: this is Shrek’s first Christmas and he wants to make it perfect for his new family. And when he says family, he’s not talking about Donkey, Puss ‘n Boots, and all the other fairy tale creatures (Three little pigs, Gingerbread man) who live down the lane. Shrek has to find the real way to celebrate Christmas which, as some character says, isn’t something you follow a cook book recipe to do. Shrek’s Christmas involves the whole extended swamp family and ultimately involves family fighting and bickering. As Donkey says, “My mama always said, ‘Christmas ain’t Christmas until someone cries.” Many adults will find that this is the line that resonates the most for them out of the entire 22 minutes.
At $20 for this video, you may want to buy it bundled with Shrek 3, which may end up even costing less. 
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