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It’s Not So Complicated
Hollywood’s recent release, “It’s Complicated” starring Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep has touched on a pretty interesting topic amongst the male divorced community. As it turns out, “It’s Complicated”, is not that complicated after all. Post divorce reconciliation happens more often than you think and SingleDad.com looks into the top 5 reasons why some men go back to the wives and lives they once had.
1. The Dust has Settled
Sometimes our ego and pride influence rash divorce decisions. Now mind you, there are two sides to every story, so I’m not going to go into all the reasons why things happen the way they happen. Sometimes men tend to overreact in the heat of the moment, (Okay everyone, I said it). Whether there is adultery involved or other hurtful things that make us want to react suddenly. Sometimes when the dust settles, we find that time to reflect and just say, “What the hell just happened to my life? I want it back to the way it used to be.” It is during this time that the newly divorced father may realize that the life he left wasn’t so bad after all. This source of introspection causes men to be more emotionally balanced. After a little time, things look differently. The things that happened in the past are now forgivable. More importantly, there was a reason why the man fell in love and married that special woman in the first place. The dust has settled, and he wants to come back.
2. The Kids
Let’s face it, when we were married and had them around all the time, we took it for granted. Once the custody schedule sets in, we realize the importance of spending time with our children. Most fathers who are newly divorced receive 50% custody of their children or less. This cuts into the holidays, birthdays, school, and social activities. What does this translate to? Well, there are only so many times we get to play “Santa” and “Tooth Fairy” and being a divorced father takes a big chunk of time away from both parties. This anxiety of not having the children around can also fuel the kind of self-reflection that makes him not just want to be a better father, but also want to be a better husband and human being. I am not surprised to hear from many members on SingleDad.com that their children caused them to consider reconciliation with their ex-spouses.
3. The Money
It’s a harsh reality most newly divorced fathers face when their new post divorce life begins, money is a huge factor. Many men in this situation look at their new life and can’t figure out how they are going to move forward with the financial consequences of child support and spousal support. This, “I can’t afford to be divorced” mentality can make the process of divorce stop altogether. Over the past year, the number of divorce filings dropped because most couples couldn’t afford to be divorced with the added costs associated with supporting two households. This is an overall good sign, because it tells me that people are now forced to “work it out” at home instead of the courtroom. Nobody wins in the courtroom except the lawyers and that’s only if the clients can pay.
4. Being Alone and Feeling Lonely
One of the most difficult conversations I have with men in my SingleDad coaching sessions about divorce and loneness. Men hate to be alone. I feel that most newly divorced men rush into their second marriage twice as fast as their former counterparts just because they hate being alone. Much like the movie, “It’s Complicated”, Alec Baldwin plays a typical man who remarries into a relationship that he ends up regretting for multiple reasons. He remarried for looks, and not substance. He forgot the importance of communication and having an emotional connection with a woman.. I think that most of us who jump into the new relationship too soon are still having the same challenges with loneliness and are not addressing the underlying problem which is recognizing the difference between lonely and alone. It took some time for me to realize the difference. It’s ok to feel lonely, but I know now that I am never really alone. They are two different words and two different circumstances but many men don’t know the difference. So as a result, many newly divorced men try to go back to their former wives and reconcile because they couldn’t handle the loneliness
5. Life is Too Short
You only get one life and life can move very fast especially during a divorce. For many men, being newly single and rebuilding a new life can be a daunting task. It takes time, discipline, and patients; and some men just don’t have them. For some men, life takes on a new meaning of scarcity. There is never enough time for anything. A feeling of being overwhelmed and constantly playing catch-up is what most men feel like after divorce. It’s a stressful, losing battle. They realize that this new single parent life is not the life they want anymore. Their dreams of independence and opportunity have not turned out the way they thought it they would. Life is too short, and for some men in this situation they need to go back and try to work things out with their ex-spouse before it’s too late.
Rj Jaramillo, 45, Divorced twice. Rj has three children all from first wife.
Alexa 16, Mossimo 14, and Mia 10. Rj is self employed, entrepreneur in San
Diego and is the Founder and President of SingleDad Inc. Rj is the senior
member of SingleDad, and delivers the message to both Mothers and Fathers on
Making Life Happen.Again!
Reprinted with permission from SingleDad.com.
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Her side – a stepmom’s view of how to have a healthy second marriage
Ten Steps to a Happy, Healthy Remarriage
Don’t call them deadbeats. Research shows that today’s fathers are spending more time with their kids than ever — an average of nearly three and a half hours a day more than Dads of a few decades ago. Kids and fathers alike are reaping the benefits; more time spent together sows the seeds of closeness. But the flipside of this trend is that it makes divorce more painful for fathers than ever before. As one man I interviewed said, “There are no words to describe the pain of not being able to tuck my kids in every night.”
His dilemma is not uncommon. While dads are increasingly parenting on the front lines, custody is still more or less automatically awarded to mom. “Even when custody is technically joint, dad may get far less time with the kids,” says Texas divorce lawyer Stuart Gagnon. And so they want the time they do get together to be perfect. “I don’t harp on my daughter to pick up her towel since she’s only here for a couple of days,” one dad told me. Another said proudly, “My kids come whenever they want, and when they do, it’s all about them.”
It might sound good in theory (particularly if you’re the kid of such a “Disney Dad”), but it can spell trouble when there’s a serious romantic relationship on the horizon or in the works. For all the benefits that increased involvement confers, Uber-dads have a harder time than their fathers did when it comes to balancing their own needs and their children’s. Over and over, women and men I interviewed as I researched my book Stepmonster told me of guys who felt confused, even guilty, about repartnering. “He and his kids won’t let me in,” women say. “I feel torn between my partner and my children,” the men confide.
Here are some guidelines for the divorced dad who repartners while wondering, “Can I pull this off?” The short answer: Yes! You deserve to move forward not just as a parent but as a person. Here’s how:
1. Let go of the guilt. You’re allowed to have a relationship. And it will not harm your kids. In fact, seeing dad in a healthy, happy relationship can be a powerful lesson for the kids, reaffirming their sense that lifetime partnership can work.
2. Let go of the fear. Divorced dads are often afraid that their ex-wives or their children will “punish” them for repartnering. “It’s a common anxiety but, to get through it, have faith in yourself as a parent and as a person,” advises Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, author of The Power of the Middle Ground: a Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship. “Yes, your ex may be angry and even say things like, ‘Daddy doesn’t care about you anymore.’ In this case, you need to demonstrate resilience: trust in your bond with your child while making it clear that he or she can talk to you about anything — including their doubts and fears. Do this and you will succeed in working through the challenges and transitions that lie before you,” says Babits.
3. Accept that it usually isn’t easy. Kids and dads can become incredibly close post-divorce. That may mean more resistance to a serious girlfriend, no matter how nice she is: “Hey, she’s hogging my dad!” If you expect that it’s normal for your kids to be ticked about the change, you’ll be less likely to blame yourself — or your partner — when you encounter such predictable (but trying) bumps.
4. Ask yourself the tough questions about your parenting. Do you parent from guilt and fear? Are you permissive? Have you created a child-centric household? Might your kids even believe they have veto power over your choice of a partner? All this sets her up to be the heavy, their opponent rather than their friend. Research shows that kids do best with authoritative parenting — high levels of warmth and high levels of control. Shoot for that to give your kids and your partnership a leg up.
5. While you’re at it, get real about your kids. Know that if your situation is typical, they won’t necessarily act in ways that make it easy for your partner to spend time with them at first. Indeed, it’s like that your partner may at some point become frustrated about the kids. Understanding that your kids aren’t perfect during this transition will spare your partner the common snag of being the meanie who points out their flaws to you.
6. Invite your partner to the center of the family — pronto. One interviewee told me that, as soon as he knew he wanted to marry his girlfriend, he had to tell his teen daughter, “I love you but I also love Holly, and I won’t let you be unkind to her. She’s here to stay.” This spared everyone months of agonized fighting about whose place was where, and whose role was what.
7. Give a “jealous” or resentful partner the benefit of the doubt. Stepfamily expert Elizabeth Church notes that stepmothers and stepmom figures often feel excluded and shut out — because they are. Jealousy on her part is likely a sign not that she is a stepwitch, but that you have not yet invited her to take her rightful place with you at the head of the table, literally and metaphorically.
8. Start from the ground up together. It’s important to avoid what I call Barnacle Syndrome. Many well-meaning divorced dads just want to stick a partner onto their lives as they already are, without altering a thing about their own routines, rituals, and habits. Sure, you have kids. But that doesn’t mean you don’t move into her place, get a new place together, or at the very least redecorate your place as a team. Acknowledge that things must change when you partner.
9. Take time away from your kids. It’s as important as the time you spend with them. You’re taking the pressure off them, and teaching them that partners take care of one another, every time you do.
10. Lose the unrealistic notion of “two firsts.” Remarriages with children are tremendously vulnerable and need extra tending. The sooner you tell your kids of any age, “I love you, but Susie is here to stay and I love her too, so you can’t be rude to her,” the better. Nothing is more confusing to kids or more demeaning to a partner than a relationship that revolves around your children.
Reprinted with permission by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
Author Bio
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award. A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.
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On my desk this week – Stepmonster and Rules for my Unborn Son
Two books arrived on my doorstep this week.
1. Rules for My Unborn Son is a very light read featuring 100 or so quick one-liners (“Don’t Swing at the first pitch.”) as advice to give to kids. There are some pieces of wisdom here that will mostly make adults nod in agreement. This is likely not a book you’d give as a graduation present – it’s more of a gift for a new dad. It might be a good way to start your own project of writing down your own “rules” to set aside for someday when your kids are interested in what tidbits of knowledge you’ve picked up along the way.
2. Stepmonster is a thorough examination of the thoughts and motivations of stepmoms. We don’t usually cover books written by women, but this seems like such an important topic. The publisher says that half the women in the United States will either live with or marry a man with children not her own. That’s a big number. Stepmoms seem to be in a losing position all around – not eligible in most cases for the true mommy love of the kids, yet having to sacrifice for their upbringing and in the attentions of the dad in their lives. Yes, there are plenty of cruel stepmothers out there, but I’ve also heard a lot of heroic tales of stepmoms who go beyond the call to prove they can step up to the role. This looks like a good book if you’re trying to understand how the other half sees things.
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“My Parents are Divorced, My Elbows have Nicknames…”
My Parents are Divorced, My Elbows have Nicknames, and Other Facts about Me is a new book by Bill Cochran that helps kids understand that living in a divorced situation might not be as weird as all the other idiosyncrasies a kid might have.
This book, written for kids 4-8, is well-done with good and real examples of the complexity of living in two houses, and the frustrations of not having mom and dad literally on the same end of the soccer field. It even treats the stepmom issue with grace (taking the side of the stepmother, of course).
Not to be overly politically correct, I was disappointed that the parents got stuck in stereotyped roles. Dad can’t cook, mom can’t do math, and mom is better at putting bandaids on. I think I’m pretty good at all three of those tasks. I know it’s hard not to step on a landmine when dealing with these subjects, but I would have liked to see one example that went against 2oth century notions of sex roles.
This might be good book, especially for younger readers, if you’re trying to communicate the “non-weirdness” of being in a divorced famil.
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Top 10 Things Divorced Dads Need to Realize
It seems like a new celebrity father gets divorced every week. Recent divorced dads include Jon Gosselin, Robin Williams, Usher, Mel Gibson, Bradley Whitford, Edward Furlong, and Thomas Jane — and those are just the famous ones. Roughly half of all American marriages end in divorce and some studies suggest 60% of those splits involve children.
But while there’s abundant advice directing divorced fathers to avoid “screwing up” the kids, there’s little out there to help dads appreciate the big parenting opportunity — yes, opportunity — before them.
Below are, IMHO, the ten most important things divorced fathers should realize as they transition parentally from “Husband and Father” to “One-and-Only Dad”:
1) You divorced your ex, not your kids
Many divorced dads disconnect from their kids when they separate from their ex-wives, but the divorce can actually be an opportunity to re-connect with your children — this time on your own terms.
2) The only parenting expectations worth a damn are your own
Divorce freed you from not only your ex-wife’s expectations, but those of your parents, her parents, Dr. Phil, and all those dads you see talking joyously about fatherhood on television. You’re the expert when it comes to your kids. Create your own expectations and standards.
3) There’s no such thing as a part-time dad
You’re either a dad or you’re not. Many divorced dads spend more time with their kids than fathers in intact families. But no matter how much time you spend with your children, if you commit to it regularly and responsibly, you’re a dad. Period. Exclamation point.
4) You are not a babysitter
There’s no need to constantly take your children on expensive adventures, shower them with gifts, or keep them perpetually entertained, as if filling a perceived hole in their happiness. They are just as happy to simply be with you as you are to be with them.
5) Your children have two homes…and two sets of rules
Your kids don’t “visit” you; they live with you. They have one home with Mom and another with Dad. And if they can adapt themselves to different rules between home and school, they can do the same between home and home. The phrase “But Mom lets us” carries no weight in your home.
6) You have an “inner dad”
There’s an “inner dad” inside you. He’s the one who tells you when it’s OK to let your son stay up late, when it’s appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter, and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, no-shoes family wrestling match. You’ll get to know that inner dad gradually, moment by moment, and in the process become a more genuine dad — the best kind of dad you can be.
7) Most kids can cope
Divorce doesn’t necessarily mean therapy time for your kids. Studies show that many children cope well with divorce, especially if there’s joint custody and the kids are encouraged to openly express their feelings and fears. When I got divorced, a quick internet search told me I was ruining both my and my children’s lives. But it didn’t go down like that — in fact, I now feel like a better dad than I’ve ever been and I’ve stopped treating Google like my conscience.
You can do what you like
Too many moms and dads feel martyrdom is a necessary part of the parenting process. Find those things that you and your children honestly enjoy together — going to the movies, having cart-races at Kmart, bowling, or impulsively getting pizza in the mid-afternoon. Your children love nothing more than watching you enjoy yourself with them. And it’s way more fun than standing on the playground sidelines checking your Blackberry, isn’t it?
9) Your issues with the ex don’t belong in your kids’ lives
Like the corn and mashed potatoes on your first-grader’s plate, your parenting should be separated from any conflicts you have with your ex. Children need to know their parents’ love is unconditional and impenetrable, even and especially in the face of something as potentially devastating as divorce.
10) You’ll screw up…and that’s okay.
Making mistakes is as fundamental in parenting as making dinner. Own up to them — your kids will learn that they can too.
Joel Schwartzberg is a father of three, an award-winning essayist, and author of the first-of-its kind collection of personal essays from the perspective of a divorced father, “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad“
Reprinted with permission from Joel Schwartzberg.
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