This article in the New York Times discusses the “new super people:” Kids, who by 18, have resumes that most 40 year olds would be proud to show.

[From Meet the New Super People - NYTimes.com]

I’ve long been concerned that kids, and many parents today, still don’t fully appreciate the competitive environment that is growing for our kids. Many, if not most, parents I know think the kids get too much homework, rather than too little. While I too want them to have a carefree childhood, I’m painfully aware that they won’t get into a good high school, say nothing to a good college or good job, if they don’t step it up a notch, or maybe six notches.

Even the most brilliant students have to work harder now to make their nut. The competition for places in the upper tier of higher education is a lot tougher than it was in the 1960s and ’70s, when having good grades and SAT scores in the high 1200s was generally sufficient to get you into a respectable college. My contemporaries love to talk about how they would have been turned down by the schools they attended if they were applying today. This is no illusion: 19 percent of applicants were admitted to my Ivy League school for the class of ’71; 6 percent were admitted for the class of ’15.

This New York Times article outlines what we’ve all heard anecdotally for years, and perhaps have wanted to ignore. We’ve heard of kids who were AP, high SAT scores, volunteered at a hospital and still didn’t get into any of their top schools. What we have brewing is a situation where even the best kids won’t make it into the country’s better schools because competition will be just too tight between those who are simply great students, and those who, by 18, have already made a mark on the world. I’m not saying this is the way it should be, but as the world opens up, our kids, unless we really restrict international recruitment, will compete with the shining stars from countries that very different ideas of bucolic grade school scenes where kids frolic all day in the grass rather grooving multiplication tables at age 4. (China, India, Korea: I’m looking at you…)

I have no data to support this brain drain, except my own eyes, but my prediction is that by the time my now 7 year old is ready for college, he will be looking far beyond California or even the East Coast for prime schools. He will be weighing options in Europe, South America, and Asia for schools that fit his needs, and where he stands a chance to gaining admittance.

Is that scary? Yes, but it’s an unstoppable train at this point. Ignore it at your kids’ peril.

I’m neither a mom nor Chinese, but, of course, had to read Friday’s headline article in the Wall Street Journal. By now, someone has probably sent “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” by Amy Chua, to you a half dozen times. You can find a link to Superior Chinese Moms at Huffington Post to read the whole thing. Here’s an excerpt to give you an idea:

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

Ms. Chua’s has three main ideas to convey:

First, that Western parents aren’t strict enough with their kids, and only by badgering them constantly while depriving them of all distractions can kids ever achieve the results that build self-esteem and make them truly happy. Ms. Chua cites studies that say that Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times more time drilling academics than their Western or Westernized counterparts, who often put an emphasis on sports activities. In fact, 70% of Western moms said that either ” stressing academic success is not good for children” or “parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun.”

Second, Ms. Chua thinks that calling a child a “loser” for getting a bad grade or calling him “fatty” is a way to motivate the child and symbolizes the intense desires you feel for them to excel. She admits that when her father at one point called her “garbage” for disobeying, she was ashamed for what she had done. In Ms. Chua’s thinking, this did not however, damage her self-esteem.

Third, she thinks that Western parents make a bad deal with their kids, for whom they sacrifice a lot, but from whom nothing much is expected in return. By contrast, Asian parents make kids understand that the parents have sacrificed fully for the kids and they expect reciprocal treatment when the kids grow up. Each generation is sandwiched taking care of its kids and parents as part of the grand bargain.

The article is fascinating reading, and I guarantee that it will make you question your own parenting philosophies. This is especially true if you’re now only sporadically motivating your baby Mozart to practice piano only 30 minutes a day (Ms. Chua’s daughters practice three hours and one played at Carnegie Hall in 2007).

Here are some of my reactions:

1. First: Wow! It’s hard to believe anyone in the 21st century would say, “here’s why my nationality is superior,” but the headline did get my attention and Ms. Chua has books to sell. Americans have learned over the last 30 years to admire Asian values that stress hard work and family loyalty, but I’m always suspicious of anyone thinking they are superior. In the 21st century, we are almost too aware of the potential strength of China, not only due to it’s size, but the determination of its people. Additionally, several generations of college applicants have watched Asian students gain college entrance and excel at far greater rates than their population representation. Non-Asians rationalize that the Asian kids miss out on all the fun, but they seem not to miss out on the success. At a dinner party the other night, a Chinese couple told the joke among their kids’ high school class that the “A” grade just stands for “Asian.” They thought this was very funny, while the non-Asians laughed nervously.

2. While many ethnic and religious groups claim a monopoly on guilt and shame, no one group has the exclusive rights. From our own experience or those around us, we all know it can be a real motivator for some people. For others, it’s just a long route to eventual depression and/or suicide, but that’s another story. Ms. Chua is able to twist shame and ridicule into just another way of saying “I love you,” but I found it hard to buy her story. I know too many high achievers who never felt their moms and dads loved them, or really understood who they were. I strive not to be the subject of my kids’ psychoanalysis years from now.

3. I feel tiny in comparison to Ms. Chua’s dedication and selflessness when it comes to parenting. But then again, she’s also a Yale professor and author. This is one energy-packed lady. For me, standing over my daughter for 30 minutes of piano is a long slog, and three hours almost unimaginable, especially since she is also doing soccer two to three times per week. My daughter will get to Carnegie Hall, but it may be just to see a performance of one of Ms. Chua’s daughters. I lack the energy, but also what I feel would be the meanness to say no to playdates and the occasional round of Wii Mario Kart. Am I a bad dad then? One of these overly permissive parents who destroy their kids for all hardship later on? It’s hard not to think so while reading Ms. Chua’s article. I challenge you to try.

These are very real cultural differences and obviously run completely counter to how most Americans see the role of parenting. I’d like to be a better more motivating parent, but I wouldn’t do it at the cost of tears as I browbeat my kids to think they are disappointing me in every minor failure. Culturally, shame and guilt are non-starters for our generation as we’ve watched countless friends go through therapy to overcome their upbringing and have watched the techniques parodied countless times on TV. Like in a lot of things in life, the news is often about the one time the technique worked rather than the thousands sacrificed along the way who didn’t rise to the challenge of being called “fatty.” On the other hand, we all try to teach our kids the value of hard work, over-coming adversity and delaying gratification. The Chinese or Asian way does do a better job at delaying gratification, but it’s hard to know in this system when it is supposed to come. Isn’t this just another way to teach kids that there is never a “there” to get to, that the fun can’t be in the journey, but always in some unattainable goal?

That said, my daughter and I discussed her piano and how much she needs to play and increased it to one hour per day (after she accused me of re-reading the Asian Mother article). If nothing else, this article is a good New Year’s reminder to be a better parent, stay on top their homework and grades, and help them learn the lessons of success, hopefully without resorting to calling them a “loser.”

Related articles

• “Woman Argues That Denying Children Individuality, Shaming Them is ‘Superior’ Parenting” and related posts (nymag.com)
• Do Asian parents raise superior kids? Yale prof says yes (theglobeandmail.com)
• Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior (neatorama.com)
• Does Asian Parenting Cause Asian Success?, by Bryan Caplan (econlog.econlib.org)
• What Kind of Mother? (tbray.org)

The best thing any dad can do is be loving and supporting, but there are a few boxes you can check if you’re serious about giving your kids the best opportunity to reach their full brainy potential.

1. Feed them right. Make sure kids get a healthy breakfast, and go from there. Recent studies also recommend added doses of Omega-3s for developing brains.

2. Teach them a language. Second language development actually changes the neural pathways in the brain. At the very least, a second language teaches kids to see things from other points of view, and gives them a special lens on other cultures.

3. Play music. Music is like another language, but is also related to mathematics in its structure.

4. Read with them and in front of them. Readers are thinkers and doers. Make sure to set the example.

5. Travel. The more kids see of other places, the more curious they will be.

6. Get art. Art teaches independent thinking.

7. Understand your child’s learning style. Kids do learn in different ways. If you let a teacher define your child because he or she fails under only one style, you’re giving up on your child.

I was helping my daughter study the other night and, as usual, she provided wisdom and inspiration in the dad department. Here are a few things I learned from her and a few I picked up on my own that might help other dads develop good study skills in their kids.

1. Turn off the TV – a confession: I studied every night while watching Mash and Gilligan’s Island reruns and I guess it didn’t kill me. It certainly didn’t help quell the ADD that every adult in the 20th century seems to have. Try though to carve out a space away from too many distractions or at least around the right distractions (see point 2).

2. Hang around while your kids do homework. Perhaps you like this as your wind-down time or watch TV time, but your kids – surprise! – actually will interact more with you if you’re in the room and ready to engage with them.

3. Goof around with your kids. While homework is serious business, there’s nothing that says you can make jokes or use funny voices to illustrate points or help them learn rote concepts. This can be a fun time for both of you

4. Don’t do the homework for them. Even adults sometimes get carried away by how brilliant they are and how easy it is to a third grade math problem. You might look like a genius to your child, but it won’t help him learn the answer. Try to pretend you’re both trying to figure it out together. This way, you can ask leading questions that get your child to see the answer for themselves. If your child gets frustrated, suggest a break and come back and try it again.

5. Be a good role model. Your schedule will dictate how possible this is, but a good situation is to work quietly paying bills or doing some other study-like chore while your kids are working along side you.

6. Use study time to monitor your child’s progress. Most kids, even your little prodigy, should need some help as they work through problems. If your child really isn’t “getting it,” though, make an appointment with the teacher so that you can nip a developing issue in the bud.

Have fun with homework and enjoy the chance to mentor the most important people in your life. Helping with homework can bring up bad memories of school when you were a kid, but with some effort, it can be a fun time to spend with your kids.

We loved the new book by Charlie’s Playhouse on the Giant Timeline. Now, to get people thinking about Darwin’s discovery and the importance of this concept, Charlie’s Playhouse is sponsoring a contest to collect kids’ ideas on evolution.

Hoping to initiate lively conversation about evolution between parents and their children, the Ask the Kids Project begins today and will culminate on Nov. 24, the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin’s “The Origin of Species.” Parents are being asked to submit by the deadline of Nov. 16 their children’s honest responses to the question online at http://www.charliesplayhouse.com/ask-the-kids.php. Then, on the 24th, Charlie’s Playhouse will post and distribute a professionally-edited video compilation of the submitted responses.

Following are a few real-life examples the company collected from kids:

“Evolution is accidental copies of DNA in a bad way and then results in changes and sometimes the changes can be helpful or the changes can lead to extinction. I think Charles Darwin can explain it better.”

“Something about the evolutionary war.”

“Well, one thing’s for sure, it’s not the cave times when they had to sleep on rocks.”

“The first living things appeared, like medusa and the first fish. And fish evolved. And fish became something very important: a sleepwalker.”

“Evolution is candy.”

“Ummm, it’s science.”

“You mean like when we were animals and now we’re humans?”

“I have no idea.”

“When animals change to adapt to the weather!”

Teaching a teenager to drive is as much a rite of passage for the parent as it is for the kid. But who does it better? Mom or dad? According to a survey from AA Driving School in England, the answer is dear old dad. In their very unscientific poll of 1,387 adults, 52 percent said fathers were better at the difficult task, while only 24 percent thought moms were better at the job.

[From Seattle Eastside Parenting Examiners: Who's better at teaching kids to drive? Mom or dad?]

This is clearly not a scientific study, or even anything beyond a controversy starter, but it’s funny that people are always trying to figure out which parent is “better” at one thing or another. I can’t even imagine this one really comes down to a sex difference.

The New York Times reports on parents who are foregoing the first year of school, usually known as kindergarten, for a looser, experience-based at home schooling experience.

They are part of a community of like-minded parents who are opting to enrich rather than formally educate their not-yet-school-age children (6 is the age that New York City law requires parents to register their children as home-schooled). They discovered one another through the New York City Home Educators Alliance (nychea.org), a home-schooling bulletin board.

…theirs is an ad hoc, day-by-day exploration into what it means to be a stay-at-home parent and child in an accelerated culture like New York. In a city where the race to be on top can start in infancy, the disconnect between these parents’ choices and the New York City norm is vast, as Ms. Rendell learned recently.

[From Home-Schooling Grows in New York City - NYTimes.com]

If I had the time and flexibilty, this sounds like an ideal way to continue those care-free years of babyhood on through age 6, with benefits for both mom or dad and for the child.

We had a chance to meet Julie Campbell, the force and brains behind the Kids Love Spanish series, at the ABC Kids show in Las Vegas where all the new kids’ products are introduced. Her new series, created with her sister, looks like a great introduction for kids to play around learning a language and at least basic words to help them navigate colors, alphabet, number, shapes and basic phrases. Learning a language can be a fun activity for both dads and kids, and an opportunity to show them that you’re willing to start at zero and learn something new with them. While a DVD set isn’t a substitute for real language immersion, and despite all the hype with rapid learning systems, language acquisition is not easy, this still can be a fun way to prepare for a trip south of the border, or to understand the increasing amount of Spanish being spoken in the United States.

Viewers or PBS learning shows will feel comfortable with the graphics and motion in the series. While these may be the best Spanish videos, on the market for children, as indicated by several product reviews, viewers may have concerns that a vast majority of the speakers in the series are not native speakers. Some examples are spoken by Spanish speakers with poor accents that you won’t want your children to emulate. That said, these are a good introduction to the language for very young viewers (3-6).

Other Spanish for children options are available on Amazon if you search on “Spanish for Children” or click this link.

Jonathan Clements, in the Wall Street Journal today, had some useful reminders for moms and dads trying to teach their kids good money skills. We actually practice some of these on our eight-year old. Our friend, Harvey Beck at ActiveAllowance.com writes a lot in his blog about his money experiments on his two boys and finds that a lot of these strategies really work. All dads should try these things just to see if it helps to quell the “I want” and “I need” reaction to all the buying stimuli kids are exposed to.

1. Postpone joy – Clements suggests offering to trade a $5 per week allowance for $7 if the child is willing to wait an extra week for it.

2. Slow spending with big bills – try giving your child his allowance in coins one week, singles another week, and one big bill the following week. You may be surprised that the big bill gets broken more slowly.

3. Make a wish list – help your child learn to postpone gratification and prioritize wishes by adding things to a list. Giving in to urgent demands does nothing to help kids learn what they really want. Often, kids can’t even remember from one day to the next what their urgent demand even was.

4. Give kids their own money – giving a real allowance, even at five or six, is amazing for sensitizing a child to the fact that money isn’t infinite. Children are suddenly very careful when they know they are drawing down their own stash. Clements relates the story of giving $5 for a school field trip and getting no change. The next time, he gave his daughter $5, but said she could keep anything. She brought home the full $5, which went straight to her piggy bank.

Finally, I’d recommend talking about money in a way that is consistent more with the values you want to instill than in the values you may have picked up. Most of us middle class moms and dads lust over bright shiny objects, but then are surprised when our kids do the same thing. We wonder where they get it and blame it on TV or on their other less-enlightened peers. The responsibility, though, really lands on us. We need to be aware of how many boxes from Amazon come flowing into the house, how much we talk about other people’s money, or how much things cost, and whether we sub-consciously communicate that spending and buying is the best way to alleviate boredom and find happiness. The answer is not usually to “just say ‘no,’ but to help our kids find balance and learn to be good spending adults.

Quick! You have 25 days to get the kids in shape to make a good presentation at Christmas dinner. Like a lot of stuff in parenting, consistency and patience are by-words and yes, you can teach a toddler new tricks. Here are the basic etiquette skills little ones should have:

1. “Please,” “Thank you” and “You’re welcome” are not optional. Repeat them over, invite your kids to correct you, and you’ll find by Christmas a pleasant and polite Pavlovian response.

2. Eating with fingers is for babies, with the obvious exceptions (pizza, ribs, chicken legs for example). Little kids can use a fork, though you may have to help load it up from time to time. Resist the temptation to feed them and they will pick up this skill, leaving you free to get them another glass of milk.

3. Kids need to ask to be excused to leave the table. Teaching kids not to run around during dinner is not easy, but you’ll make it harder if you chase them around to get them to eat.

4. Salt and pepper go together. Pass them together for a polished impression.

5. Even little kids can and should use napkins, keep them on their laps, and learn to use them rather than wiping their hands on their pants.

You can make it easier for the kids by eating dinner in a room without distractions like TV, and make a rule not to allow toys or books while eating the family meal together.

Good luck and Bon appetit!