Momma said there’d be days like this.
New Ostrich Pillow is the latest Kickstarter project.
It’s December 23rd and still time to answer a Craiglist ad for a new horse, pet pig, or used rabbit cage. Here’s our advice on six pets not to get:
1. Tarantula – Sure, they are cute, furry, and cuddly when you take them home, but wait until your son lays one on your face while you’re taking a post-football Sunday nap. Your heart attack won’t be as embarrassing as what you’ll do in your pants.
2. Snake – Yes, they also look great in the pet store when you’re thinking of how your ex-wife will react. But, trust me, they are a lot less fun when the wily creatures find a way out of the snake cage, free to wander through the walls and heating ducts of your house, ready to jump out at you.
3. Baby Croc – Ever hear of the alligators in the New York sewer system, some of which managed to crawl backwards up the pipes to take bites out of the rears of people sitting on the toilet. Even if it’s the goofiest urban myth imaginable, I still don’t like the image or increasing the probability of it happening.
3. Pony – Unless you have a driver to take your child to the stable a few times a week and a trust fund to cover the stable bills, this is not a gift any sane parent should consider.
4. Cat – Cats are the devil’s embodiment on earth, here to tease us while planting deep, dark thoughts in our brains, while they aren’t plotting to suffocate us while we sleep. Invite one into your home at your own peril.
5. Eboli Virus – It’s alive, active, and hard to kill. Sounds like a perfect pet for young kids then? Think again.
6. Dog – We love dogs. They are smart, loyal, and wonderful burglar alarms. But if you ever want to take another vacation, without a dog strapped to the roof a la Mitt Romney, think again. Even if you never vacation anywhere beyond car range, spending all your free time out walking a dog with a plastic bag of warm feces in your hand is no way to spend middle age.
7. Gerbil – Mess to clean with constant odor. They enjoy drawing blood from fingers just trying to pet them. Worse: a ferret.
1. Ant Farm – Ants make no noise and just eat through the jelly included in the ant farm. When they die, no one cries.
2. Miniature frogs – These frogs, like the ones from Wild Creations,
Some days it just seems like there are too many rules. Take a look at this list compiled by Yahoo! Shine’s Piper Weiss on crazy rules set up around pregnancy, baby names, schools and travel. Some seem a bit over the top and more than a few downright unnecessary, but in a world more and more focussed on the individual, it’s not surprising some organizations are trying to herd the cats. Happy reading.
· Baby photos: A Maryland hospital banned baby photos in the first five minutes after a child is delivered. The hospital explained that family photographers were causing risky distractions, though those in opposition to the policy believed it was put in place to avoid malpractice lawsuits.
· Brown-bag lunches: A Chicago public school banned kids from bringing food from home, forcing them to eat the cafeteria lunches or nothing at all. The school says it’s healthier for kids but not all parents agree. They’re also not in agreement on the price-point, considering home-made leftovers are a lot less money than the daily cafeteria fee.
· Baggy pants: Schools districts from Florida to Pennsylvania banned students from wearing baggy pants. In Orlando an actual “baggy pants” law suspended students who “exposed underwear or body parts” with a little loose hanging fabric.
· Babies on planes: When Malaysia Airlines banned babies from some first class flights, the hospitality industry took note.
· Babies with the name Lucifer: New Zealand courts decided to crack down on parents’ rights, banning the name from the baby books because of it’s satanic association.
· Kids expressing themselves creatively: It really sucked to be a high school student in Florida this year. By the summer, Lake County’s school district decided to ban “extreme” “unnatural” hair color and “bold” makeup, citing such mainstays of teen culture as causes of class distraction.
· Teachers-student Facebook friends: Social networking has been a minefield for teachers. In Missouri,
state senators came up with a band-aid solution. Fire any teacher who accepts a student’s friend request on Facebook. They probably shouldn’t retweet anything from a student either, just to be safe.
· Cheerleader uniforms: At a San Jose high school, cheerleaders are required to buy a micro-mini uniform if they make the squad. But they’re also required to take it off when they go to class, because it’s way too short. Paging the office of mixed messages.
· Saying ‘bless you’: A teacher said his class got so out of hand with sneeze follow-ups he banned the verbal courtesy from his classroom.
· Tanning teens: First no fur, now no leather skin. That’s probably a good thing. California passed a law banning the use of tanning beds by anyone under 18.
· Choosing your birth date: Hospitals in Massachusetts, New York, Arizona, Texas and California ban elective C-sections and inductions before 39 weeks gestation due to serious health risks.
· Dakota Fanning holding a bottle of perfume: The British Ad Council banned this ad suggesting it’s borderline pedophilia.
· Skinny jeans: At Brigham Young University-Idaho, students are getting turned away from their exams on the grounds that their jeans are far too form-fitting.
· Happy meals: In San Francisco, fast food joints can no longer bribe kids with toys. (Unless their parents want to spend an extra 10 cents.)
This is the kind of poetry my 7 year old is learning in school this year:
There once was a genie with a ten foot weenie
who went to a lady’s house
she thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake
and now it’s only five foot four.
My daughter never came home saying things like this, but now at 11, she laughs hysterically when he says recites similar rhymes. I can’t help laughing, remembering other way-crude jokes we would tell in elementary school with barely any anatomical understanding at all. Still, it’s a disconcerting debut to his journalistic career.