It’s December 23rd and still time to answer a Craiglist ad for a new horse, pet pig, or used rabbit cage. Here’s our advice on six pets not to get:

1. Tarantula – Sure, they are cute, furry, and cuddly when you take them home, but wait until your son lays one on your face while you’re taking a post-football Sunday nap. Your heart attack won’t be as embarrassing as what you’ll do in your pants.

2. Snake – Yes, they also look great in the pet store when you’re thinking of how your ex-wife will react. But, trust me, they are a lot less fun when the wily creatures find a way out of the snake cage, free to wander through the walls and heating ducts of your house, ready to jump out at you.

3. Baby Croc – Ever hear of the alligators in the New York sewer system, some of which managed to crawl backwards up the pipes to take bites out of the rears of people sitting on the toilet. Even if it’s the goofiest urban myth imaginable, I still don’t like the image or increasing the probability of it happening.

3. Pony – Unless you have a driver to take your child to the stable a few times a week and a trust fund to cover the stable bills, this is not a gift any sane parent should consider.

4. Cat – Cats are the devil’s embodiment on earth, here to tease us while planting deep, dark thoughts in our brains, while they aren’t plotting to suffocate us while we sleep. Invite one into your home at your own peril.

5. Eboli Virus – It’s alive, active, and hard to kill. Sounds like a perfect pet for young kids then? Think again.

6. Dog – We love dogs. They are smart, loyal, and wonderful burglar alarms. But if you ever want to take another vacation, without a dog strapped to the roof a la Mitt Romney, think again. Even if you never vacation anywhere beyond car range, spending all your free time out walking a dog with a plastic bag of warm feces in your hand is no way to spend middle age.

7. Gerbil – Mess to clean with constant odor. They enjoy drawing blood from fingers just trying to pet them. Worse: a ferret.

Two suggestions:

1. Ant Farm – Ants make no noise and just eat through the jelly included in the ant farm. When they die, no one cries.

2. Miniature frogs – These frogs, like the ones from Wild Creations,

Some days it just seems like there are too many rules. Take a look at this list compiled by Yahoo! Shine’s Piper Weiss on crazy rules set up around pregnancy, baby names, schools and travel. Some seem a bit over the top and more than a few downright unnecessary, but in a world more and more focussed on the individual, it’s not surprising some organizations are trying to herd the cats. Happy reading.

2011: The Year in Kids Bans

·         Baby photos: A Maryland hospital banned baby photos in the first five minutes after a child is delivered. The hospital explained that family photographers were causing risky distractions, though those in opposition to the policy believed it was put in place to avoid malpractice lawsuits.

·         Brown-bag lunches: A Chicago public school banned kids from bringing food from home, forcing them to eat the cafeteria lunches or nothing at all. The school says it’s healthier for kids but not all parents agree. They’re also not in agreement on the price-point, considering home-made leftovers are a lot less money than the daily cafeteria fee.

·         Baggy pants: Schools districts from Florida to Pennsylvania banned students from wearing baggy pants. In Orlando an actual “baggy pants” law suspended students who “exposed underwear or body parts” with a little loose hanging fabric.

·         Babies on planes: When Malaysia Airlines banned babies from some first class flights, the hospitality industry took note.

·         Babies with the name Lucifer: New Zealand courts decided to crack down on parents’ rights, banning the name from the baby books because of it’s satanic association.

·         Kids expressing themselves creatively: It really sucked to be a high school student in Florida this year. By the summer, Lake County’s school district decided to ban “extreme” “unnatural” hair color and “bold” makeup, citing such mainstays of teen culture as causes of class distraction.

·         Teachers-student Facebook friends: Social networking has been a minefield for teachers. In Missouri,
state senators came up with a band-aid solution. Fire any teacher who accepts a student’s friend request on Facebook. They probably shouldn’t retweet anything from a student either, just to be safe.

·         Cheerleader uniforms: At a San Jose high school, cheerleaders are required to buy a micro-mini uniform if they make the squad. But they’re also required to take it off when they go to class, because it’s way too short. Paging the office of mixed messages.

·         Saying ‘bless you’: A teacher said his class got so out of hand with sneeze follow-ups he banned the verbal courtesy from his classroom.

·         Tanning teens: First no fur, now no leather skin. That’s probably a good thing. California passed a law banning the use of tanning beds by anyone under 18.

·         Choosing your birth date: Hospitals in Massachusetts, New York, Arizona, Texas and California ban elective C-sections and inductions before 39 weeks gestation due to serious health risks.

·         Dakota Fanning holding a bottle of perfume: The British Ad Council banned this ad suggesting it’s borderline pedophilia.

·         Skinny jeans: At Brigham Young University-Idaho, students are getting turned away from their exams on the grounds that their jeans are far too form-fitting.

·         Happy meals: In San Francisco, fast food joints can no longer bribe kids with toys. (Unless their parents want to spend an extra 10 cents.)

Before you type anything else into your keyboard, consider this: Keyboards, on average, are five times dirtier and have 60 times more germs on them than toilet seats. They are 150 times over the acceptable limit for bacteria.

[From 16% of Cellphones Have Poop on Them]

I guess that’s what happens if you talk on the phone and change diapers at the same time. The phone is eventually going to fall in.

This is the kind of poetry my 7 year old is learning in school this year:

There once was a genie with a ten foot weenie

who went to a lady’s house

she thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake

and now it’s only five foot four.

My daughter never came home saying things like this, but now at 11, she laughs hysterically when he says recites similar rhymes. I can’t help laughing, remembering other way-crude jokes we would tell in elementary school with barely any anatomical understanding at all. Still, it’s a disconcerting debut to his journalistic career.

Lisa Belkin, who has written the Motherlode blog on NYT.com for years, has decided the grass is greener over at The Huffington Post. This in itself, I find kind of sad, since Lisa has built her reputation attached to the New York Times brand, but so goes the world of new media. But the story has made an interesting turn since Ms. Belkin used the move to change the name of her column from Motherlode to Parentlode. Whether she did this, as she says, because ‘“Motherlode” doesn’t really fit in an era when fathers are every bit the parent,’ or because she needed a new name, is anyone’s guess. However, the NYT doesn’t agree that this is a good name, or at least that it doesn’t run up against their trademark on the use of “motherlode” for a column of this type.

NYT lawyers sent a cease-and-desist letter to the Huffington Post yesterday, WWD reports. “While we are flattered by your focus on our blog and your apparent fondness for its name, we obviously cannot permit you to adopt a name whose sole purpose is to create an association in the minds of readers with our ‘Motherlode’ blog…” NYT lawyer Richard Samson wrote. “This is a transparent attempt to capitalize on the fame and reputation of the original nytimes.com blog, and constitutes an obvious infringement of The Times’ rights under U.S. Trademark law.”

From NYT Says Huffington Post’s Parentlode Is A Load Of…Well, You Know

We’ve always enjoyed Lisa from her days doing the Preppy Handbook, and we wish her continued success, whatever she calls herself.

After four years of discussion and recommendations, the rules went into effect this week. The French government has banned ketchup in all schools and colleges, as a way to promote healthful eating. The decision was likely made easier because the French would prefer you don’t put ketchup on your croissant with ham.

I’m sure most Americans will say, “Oh those French…” But food habits start early and putting sugar (yes, ketchup is tomatoes plus corn syrup) on your food just teaches you to eat that way. It doesn’t help parents when schools serve cookies and juice boxes when they aren’t at home.

Ketchup banned in French cafeterias?

Ah, imagine a simpler time when people actually had time to invent solutions for problems that don’t exist, instead of sitting around all day fretting about problems that appear insolvable.

Educators came up with the idea during a brainstorming session, as a way to foster a “calmer and inclusive atmosphere in the classroom,” the Daily Mail reports. Students, ages 7 to 11, are instructed to give a thumbs up and cup it with their other hand rather than wave a hand in the air.

[From Can Banning Hand-Raising Promote a Calmer Classroom? - TIME NewsFeed]

Does anyone out there remember anything negative about raising your hand in school? I remember some days being too bored to bother, or being amazed at the velocity of which some kids could throw their arms around, but I don’t recall ever feeling that hand waving was in some ways disruptive.

My 7 year old son was drawing and he said he was putting God into the picture. I asked him if he believed in God. He said, “Yes.” and after a few seconds, he added, “And I believe in aliens too!” I’m glad to see he’s developing a mature belief system.

My son hopped into bed with me after he got into his jammies and brushed his teeth. I was lying on top of the covers, and because it’s been hot, he asked me if I got under the sheets. He then asked, “Who makes the bed if you get it all messed up?”

I said, “I do.”

And then, “Who fluffs up the pillows?”

Again, “I do,” I said.

“And what does Mommy do?” he said. “Sit around and watch?”

“Yes,” I said. “Some day you’ll understand.”

We will be away on holiday for a few weeks in August and my 7 year old, a new reader, is constantly asking me if things we see, and reads, on our route to camp will be available where we are next week. Today, he asked, “Will there be Arrowhead water?” followed by “Will there be…” a Hilton hotel, a Jeep Cherokee, and “Harry Potter, The Deathly Hallows, Part II.” As we were driving through a seedy section of downtown, without missing a beat, he added, “Will there be “totally nude dancing girls?” I have no idea if he understood why I laughed so hard.