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Humor dads of teens can understand: God Texts the 10 Commandments.
If you’ve ever tried to decipher a teen’s texts (luckily, I have limited experience), these might be obvious.
GOD TEXTS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
BY JAMIE QUATRO
1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool
Go to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: God Texts the 10 Commandments to see the other five.
I’m sure this will be done in a big book of “Shakespeare’s plays, texted,” but until then, this is a good start at the genre.
Popularity: 2%
Funny: Marriage is a horse race (video)
Turn down the speakers or watch with headphones, but this is laugh-out-loud funny…marriage narrated as a horse race. Attention: much salty language, especially as they round the turn, into the home stretch!
Again, don’t listen to this aloud in front of anyone with tender ears.
Popularity: 1%
Handerpants™ – Underpants For Your Hands – is this real?
If they aren’t, they should be. I bet they make a bazillion dollars on joke gifts alone, before they get cocky and lauch “footerpants.”
You have to love some of the uses they imagine for them.
Popularity: 1%
Most dangerous ideas for kid fun. Which did you try?
Old-fashioned ideas for kid fun we’d never allow today
Don’t try these at home! Even in a simpler, less litigious time, many of these were bad ideas. I must confess having tried a few, and having seriously considered many, many more. You have to remember a time without 100 channels, the Wii, and the iPhone.
- Van surfing
- Climbing trees and trying to get them to bend far enough to grab the tree next to it
- Shooting arrows straight up and running before getting stabbed
- BB gun wars
- Water balloon artillery dropped from an overpass.
- Bottle rocket wars
- Indoor soft air gun battles
- Skateboard luge down steep hills
- Taunting wild animals and crazy dogs to chase you
- Golf cart races
- Towing a skateboarder behind a car, moped, or motorcycle
- Belly flop contests
- Wiffle bat battles
- Towing a boogie boarder or similar board behind a golf cart on a green that has just been watered
- Cardboard down a sand, shale, grass, or dirt hill
- Taunting rent a cops into foot chases etc at the mall and on protected properties.
- Branding with hot instruments
- Lawn jobs with motorized vehicles
- Toilet bowl swirlies
- Throwing firecrackers at each other
- Homemade spear chucking
- Jumping off roofs onto ground, pools
- Hallway football
- Flips off the swing
- Sling shot wars, or set up a range with glass bottles
- Wrestling battle-royals and living room boxing matches
- Bicycle chicken and no-hands around turns
- Homemade firecrackers made out of cut-out pieces of caps
Now, even these things sound too dangerous for kids to be allowed to do:
- Diving boards
- Driving without a permit before 16
- Bike-riding without a helmet
- Hill-climbing without a harness (rock-climbing?)
- Pillow fights
- Cardboard rides down the stairs
- Bannister rides
What were yours?
Popularity: 1%
New world record: New Dad at 79
There’s a new kid on the geriatric dads block, and has a new son. He had to beat out a man a year younger and more virile than he was to win the record. At 79, Raymond Calvert, of Winewall, Lancashire England, is the world’s oldest new dad.
I hope I’m still humping like this at 79, though it’s a bit hard to believe that no special drugs were involved, unless you count his 25 year old partner.
Calvert and 25-year-old girlfriend Charlotte became proud parents of tiny Jamie Rai ten weeks ago.
The former shop owner and market trader was 78 when the couple’s 7 pound 1 ounce baby was born.
That easily smashed the record set by previous oldest dad Dennis Ealam, who was 76 when his wife Cora gave birth to daughter Jessie in Lincoln last December.
“I am the most fortunate man in the world,” Calvert said. “The baby was planned and I did not use Viagra or anything like that.”
[From Oldest New Dad, 79, 'Didn't Use Viagra' - FOXNews.com]
The oldest birth mother record-holder, per Wikipedia, is a new mom in India who had twins at age 70, in late 2008.
See pix of the new dad, baby, and his very young wife at the The Sun.
Popularity: 3%
