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Sweet Sally’s mail order treats for the holidays
The good people at Sweet Sally’s send us cookies from time to time. This is just a big “thanks” to them for keeping us fat and happy while we sit at the computer all day. We listed them in top food gifts to send for father’s day, and that could go for the holidays for anyone a long way from home cooking.
For Thanksgiving and beyond, they just sent us their Pumpkin Scones and a Pumpkin-cranberry strudel, both of which are very tasty and perfect to send to someone who lives far away, but are thinking about during the holidays. The scones are very good, and what you’d expect out of a scone. The strudel is also very tasty, but is a heavier dessert that’s better complemented with a nice scoop of vanilla ice cream.
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How to screw up Halloween
It’s not easy, but thousands of dads do it every year. Here are five ways to make this Halloween the most memorable ever, in the worst way:
1. Force your child into the arms of random hobgoblins and people dressed as monsters. It will definitely toughen them up for all the crazies that exist in the real world, while providing many laughs for the evening.
2. Dress your child completely in black. This is sure to scare motorists even more than you. Just stay away from trucks and buses.
3. Find costumes that are way too skimpy for late Fall weather. Tarzan or Miss America costumes are perfect for bringing on a chest cold that will remind you of the Halloween magic for a few weeks after all the decorations have come down.
4. Let the kids eat as much candy as they can as soon as they come home. In fact, make it a candy-eating contest. Whoever eats the most, gets to keep whatever is left over and the others have to throw theirs away. This way, you kill two birds with one stone. Everyone has a memorable evening in the bathroom, and most of the candy is gone the next day.
5. Send your kids out alone. By 8, they probably know how to get around the block without supervision. Or not. It’s a good test anyway.
Or you can pass on these suggestions, and muddle through on your own.
PS: Every time I write something like this, I get hate mail suggesting I’m the worst dad ever, so I want to make sure it’s clear to everyone that this is sarcasm and just an attempt at humor.
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Parents spend $32,000 on a 6th birthday party
So reports TLC who is naturally recording parties like this for a reality series. How much is your budget? Our limit is $150, which I’m sure is still outrageous to many during this recession since it’s already more than some people make in a year in the developing world. But will you forego a pony for your “only 4 once” daughter out of guilt or penuriousness?
It’s not guilt that prevents us from having a big ass birthday party with three clowns, an elephant and fountain pouring all the apple juice you can drink. I don’t think we have everything in proportion or hold any corner on the “right way” to parent, but when it comes to birthdays, we try to set some limits. Our budget is not enough to go really wild, and the kids know that if they exceed it because they want to invite more kids (or clowns), it comes out of their bank accounts. Is that harsh? Perhaps. But it does end the discussions very quickly, with a, “If you really want a sword swallower at the party, you can have one, but the cost of the swords will be taken out of Mr. Piggy.”
We also don’t do goodie bags. Who invented those th ings anyway? I think it came out of a celebrity LA practice where goodie bags were created to promote stuff that only gains value when seen carried by a starlet. We had a Christmas party once where a little girl actually asked us on her way out, “Could I have my goodie bag now?” Ah, if all of life’s experiences came with a goodie bag. I’m sorry, but I just treated you to an afternoon out of the house and don’t think I owe you a candy bar, a pencil eraser, and keychain for the privilege.
We also make our own cupcakes. That’s less out of penury, since it costs more to make from scratch than to buy in a box or pre-made, but because my daughter likes to bake, and LOVES to decorate. So, why not? It’s become part of the birthday-ing process.
Saturday is my son’s birthday party. He actually chose to invite his best pals to meet in an open field and run around. At 7, “running around” is what he does. He just wants a two-hour recess, and who wouldn’t at that age. I gotta love him for it, and I’m so glad we didn’t force on him a more expensive option which would have impressed his friends’ parents more than his friends. I suppose every parent would like to imagine that they always created supremely memorable events throughout their kids’ lives, somehow making up for how their own was (hopefully) lacking very much drama. Kids are simpler than that though. They really just need a sunny day, a wide open space and parents who will patiently supervise and smile at them periodically, of course followed by a lot of really good cake.
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Top Ten Worst Valentines Gifts for 2011
This list was sent to me by the makers of
FakeTV, which is a cool gadget we actually own. FakeTV shines random color patterns on your wall to emulate the changing blue glow of a TV so that potential burglars think you are at home. It self-activates when the sun goes down and uses less electricity than a regular lightbulb. I know it works because our neighbors called us while we were on vacation to tell us, “Someone’s in your house watching TV!” Best home security tip under $40. 
To get some PR, they sent me these “worst gifts.
10. Coupon Books for back-rubs or “whatever.” He says
this is selfless service, she says “so, you could not
think of anything to get me.” (For him, the right
”whatever” might bump this off the list.)
9. Fake engagement ring. Cubic Zirconium might be a
good way to hedge your bets, but gives her reason to
doubt your love would really cut glass.
8. Vacuum Cleaner — that perennial favorite of
non-romantic husbands.
7. Panini Maker — from the guy that loves paninis.
6. From Her: A pair of tickets to the Bridal Show.
5. From him: A pair of tickets to the Monster Truck
Fest.
4. Abdomen Exerciser — sort of the opposite of
chocolates, and telegraphs a message. Reduces the
possibility of “whatever” happening on Valentine’s Day
(see number 10).
3. Roses — with a card made out to a different woman.
It turns out the other gal also got the wrong card as
well.
2. Nothing. (Even the roses to the wrong woman was
better.)
1. The top worst Fake Valentine’s Day gift was a
heart-shaped box filled with dog biscuits. The lovely
and attractive woman that submitted this story won the
free FakeTV that was the contest prize. She has long
since gotten over the rapscallion that perpetrated this
travesty — good riddance! That jerk has since become
as friendless as you would expect him to be.
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Humor: Five crummy gifts you shouldn’t give dad this year
Maybe you think you have it all figured out, but any of the following items are on your list, you’re probably only going to get a fake smile from your dad when he opens it. Unless, of course, you’re the favorite daughter, in which case you’ll get a nice pat on the head, even if you’re 40 years old.
1. Stuff you want. Nothing shows how little you care like buying a gift for yourself and wrapping it up for someone else to open and then share with you. This includes chocolate or wine that you expect will get opened and passed after all the gifts are opened. It also includes CDs or DVDs that you want to “introduce” your spouse or dad to, but which you secretly want to rip to your own machine.
2. Exercise class. Giving a gift certificate to the gym is just a more complicated way to say “fatty.” Of course, you want it to say that you care, but maybe it’s something you should agree to do together after the holiday.
3. Anything from header displays near the cash register at the drug store. This includes singing fish, and items that say they are for the “hard to buy for.”
4. Anything that reminds the big guy of household chores to do. New garbage cans would fit into this category. A delivery of a palette of roof shingles to finally redo the garage would be another.
5. More items for his “collection.” My grandmother once bought three little ceramic bunnies. After that, when anyone didn’t know what to buy, they’d get her a bunny. Her friends and family brought her bunnies from their travels all over the world. She had bunnies made out of wood, plastic, silver, in every shade of the rainbow, ranging from super-realistic to completely figurative. She hated those bunnies, her collection expanded like, well, bunnies. Unless your dad has a specific missing coin or baseball or memento, look elsewhere for the perfect gift.
So, there you have it. It’s not a list to save you any time this time around, but it will save you from giving dad something no one wants: a forced smile.
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