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Parenting skills: separation anxiety tips and tricks
Here are some tried and true tricks for easing separation anxiety on the first day of school, or for any upcoming separation.
1. Be positive. Your child will key off your emotions about the event.
2. Give your child a preview. Most schools have orientation or visiting day. Make sure the first day is not a completely new experience.
3. Schedule some playdates before the start of school. Seeing familiar faces on the first day will go a long way to averting anxiety.
4. Pack family photos and a small stuffed animal so your child has a little bit of home to take with him.
5. On the first day, don’t hang around longer than needed. Reassure him that you love him and that you’ll be back to pick him up, avoid the drama, and move quickly out the door, no matter how hard this is.
6. When you pick him up, don’t overdo your joy in the reunion because this will just remind him of the pain of separation.
Be reassured that separation is a necessary part of growing up and that you’re actually teaching your child a valuable life lesson, no matter how painful for you both at the moment.
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Separation anxiety – The worst ways to say goodbye
If you’re sending your toddler off to daycare or preschool, be prepared for tears on the first day, and perhaps many after that. Separation anxiety is normal, as is a meltdown when you reappear (reminds them of the pain of the separation). There are many ways to ease this. See our article Ten Tips for Dads, Kids, and separation anxiety on the first day of school.
Here are five ways not to say goodbye:
1. Don’t be sad – while you may want to be empathetic, you will be communicating that it is a sad event, which reinforces your child’s fears.
2. Don’t be mad – sure, you’re getting late for work, and need to pull away. But it’s not the time to show this frustration to yours child.
3. Don’t hang on – it may seem more gentle to hang out for a long time to ease your child into the situation. But a clean break is actually better than prolonging the agony.
4. Don’t leave without saying goodbye – the worst thing is to disappear without one last reassurance that you’ll be back.
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We love the Banana Bunker
Someone had to invent this because it was sorely needed. For a dad who packs a lunch every day wondering whether the good stuff will get eaten, finding variety is a big issue. And, it doesn’t help that the school has banned peanut butter. I could never pack bananas because by the time the lunch box was tossed around the playground a few times, the banana was too mushy to be eaten. The Banana Bunker solves all that. It’s just a simple little sleeve for the banana that protects it from bruises. 
$6 from Amazon, though the shipping will add another $5 on.
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Dads at the pre-school coffee
Since my wife has a 9-5 (or 8-8) job, I’m the one in the carpool lane, at the doctor’s office, and often in the basement office volunteering for some school function. Some of it I complain about since driving kids around town for playdates does seem like very underpaid taxi work, but it all does have the advantage of providing more time with the kids and insights into their lives.
This week, it was time for the annual pre-school coffee and organizing event. In the past, I’ve been the only dad present and had a lot of fawning women telling me how much they appreciated that I showed up. This time, however, no fewer than three other dads were there. Two of us came alone and two were there with their wives. The objective of the event was to get us all to sign up to volunteer for various school events, including “Mom’s cooking,”"Moms’ night out” and “Dads reading day.” There were some nods towards the sexist nature of the project titles, but mostly appreciation that, once again, dads don’t always think like moms. Moms need an excuse like a “moms night out” to pull the plug and stake territory on an evening without the kids. Dads either don’t want to plan things that way (like I want to go out and spend the evening drinking and talking about childcare), or would rather stay at home watching TV or playing on the computer if they have a night off. Dads, we are told, are somehow more treasured as readers at the school, perhaps because it’s still a bigger event for dad to actually be at the school. Despite changing work patterns and dual incomes, in our neighborhood at least, it’s still more moms than dads hanging around the school for drop-off and pick-up. I signed up for “mom’s cooking” just to break through another barrier. If they let me in, I’ll give the full report.
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Starting the year off right
So far, my start of the year plan is working. After three years of dilettantish ballet and piano lessons, second grade is here and it’s time to get down to some serious discipline. We, or I should say I, decided that 20 minutes of focused piano-playing per day was about right and I discussed it with my 7-year old. She’s somewhat ambivalent about piano, but since mom and dad both play, she takes it as more of a given than a real lifestyle choice. Anyway, so far so good. She’s done twenty minutes per day every day except for her lesson day and one day on the weekend, and sometime with no coaching. One thing that helped was getting a good timer. I opted for the Mark My Time Book Mark and Digital Timer. It’s pretty simple and cheap, and can also be used for timing reading. It counts both up to 20 and down from 20. When our friends at Active Allowance get their new chore charts done (Monday 9/24), piano will be right there as part of the daily rituals.
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