How do you tell your son, daughter or the love of your life exactly how you feel about them? "It is impossible to say just what I mean," writes T.S. Eliot in his signature poem The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock. But maybe that’s because he kept on getting interrupted.
That’s why today, we salute you, Fathers of Voicemail. Because when you’ve got something on your mind, a text message, email or face-to-face conversation simply won’t do. You romantics know exactly what you need to say, and gosh darn it, no threat of public humiliation will keep you from saying it.
As Tiger Woods knows, there are 1 million ways to say "I love you." But when standard messaging fees apply, brevity means just as much as sincerity. And while affection knows no bounds, sometimes it makes all the difference just to say, "Can you please take your name off your phone?…You gotta do this for me. Huge. Quckly. Bye."
Aw Tiger, I love you too.
Some fathers use more bars in more places to empty their hearts, and their dignity, into a lover’s voicemail box. Sure, writing poetry or a song for a loved one may have worked for the Greeks, but this is the 21st century.
A master of seduction, Pat O’Brien will tell you, only the unbridled freedom of the voice message can make a woman feel special. Because while poems may rhyme, they don’t let your lady know just how f***** crazy you want to get with her.
Finally, as any father who models his parenting off of the Baldwin family will attest, spanking is so 1955. In the modern world, there’s only one way to tell your daughter -"you don’t have the brains or the decency of a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child"- and that’s a scathing voice message.
So hang up your phones and pat yourselves on the back, Fathers of Voicemail, because when you have to get something off your chest, you wait for nothing, except the beep.