Parenting and Letting Go with Dr. Jack Stoltzfus

Welcome to another insightful episode of Great Dad Talks with guest, Jack Stoltzfus, a PhD psychologist, and renowned coach specializing in the transition period for parents of young adults. Join us as we unpack the challenges parents face during this pivotal life stage, the significance of unconditional love and emotional support, and practical advice for helping young adults achieve self-sufficiency while maintaining a positive parent-child relationship.

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Learn the importance of letting go during your child’s transition to independence.
2. Discover how coaching skills can improve your relationship with your teenage and young adult children.
3. Understand the value of early and adaptive intervention in fostering healthy communication and independence.
4. Learn to teach resilience and grit while providing unconditional love and support.
5. Get advice on setting rules for young adults, the benefits of a gap year, and promoting financial responsibility and independence.

In this episode, I had the privilege of speaking with Dr. Jack Stoltzfus, a distinguished psychologist and coach specializing in helping parents navigate the complex transition of their children from adolescence to adulthood. Jack focuses on the 18 to 29-year-old age group, helping parents adjust to their evolving relationships with their children. Our conversation was packed with invaluable advice and insights that I believe will resonate with many of you. Let’s dive into some of the key takeaways.

Understanding the Transition Period

One of the most significant points Jack made was the importance of the transition period from adolescence to adulthood. This phase is crucial, not just for the young adults but also for the parents who need to learn how to let go.

“Parents must shift from a controlling and directing role to a more consultative and coaching approach as their children transition to independence,” Jack emphasized.

Key Parenting Strategies

Jack discussed several strategies for effectively handling this transition. Here are some of the essential pieces of advice he shared:

• Intervene Early: It’s crucial to start the process of transitioning your parenting style early on. Understanding how to be a better parent at different stages of your child’s life can make a significant difference.
• Adapt Modern Communication Methods: Connecting with your children through platforms they frequent, like social media and texting, helps maintain open lines of communication.
• Set Clear Rules: For young adults living at home, establish rules such as no drugs, no stealing, and no threats of violence. Encourage them to work, volunteer, or go to school to learn financial responsibility and avoid idleness.

Unconditional Love vs. Conditional Expectations

Our discussion also touched upon the balance between unconditional love and setting expectations.

“The importance of parental support and love throughout a child’s life cannot be overstated. However, we also need to teach our children about responsibility and the reality of conditional love,” Jack explained.

Handling Estrangement and Disconnection

Jack provided vital insights into dealing with situations where children become disaffected and disconnected from their parents. He pointed out that one-quarter of families experience a period where their children go silent and not communicate for an average of four months.

“It’s essential for parents to continue to express love and reach out to their children, even if communication is cut off. Taking the high road by not cutting off the relationship, regardless of disagreements, is crucial,” Jack advised.

Helping Young Adults Achieve Independence

Helping young adults achieve self-sufficiency while maintaining a positive relationship is a delicate balance. Jack shared a few strategies:

• Encourage Practical Choices: Young adults should be guided to make practical choices regarding their careers and life goals, recognizing the importance of work-life balance.
• Promote Financial Responsibility: Encourage young adults to engage in work right away, contribute towards their expenses, and consider taking a gap year before college to gain clarity.

Addressing Parental Guilt and the Emphasis on Happiness

A thought-provoking part of our conversation revolved around the emphasis on children’s happiness and its implications. Jack suggested that focusing too heavily on children’s happiness can lead to parents feeling guilty if their kids aren’t happy.

“Parents need to deliver a message of love and responsibility, teaching values and fostering resilience and grit in their children. It’s about finding a balance between happiness and the backbone to face life’s challenges,” Jack remarked.

Final Thoughts

I genuinely appreciated my conversation with Jack Stoltzfus. His insights and advice are invaluable for any parent struggling with the transition phase of their children’s lives. Remember that reaching out to professionals like Jack can provide much-needed guidance during this period.

For more information, check out Jack’s website, [parentslettinggo.com](http://parentslettinggo.com), and look forward to his upcoming book, *The Launch Code: Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children*.

Until next time, keep engaging, keep learning, and most importantly, keep being great dads!