Surviving High-Conflict Divorce with Alex Dane

Alex Dane, author of “Winning Your Divorce,” dives deep into the harsh realities of high-conflict divorces, child custody battles, and the emotional toll the legal system can take on fathers.

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Get real insights into what happens when divorces turn adversarial, especially regarding custody and finances.
2. Learn how the first actions taken during separation can affect custody outcomes and legal processes.
3. Discover how gender roles and perceptions shape custody cases, and what the legal system really prioritizes.
4. Find out how to assemble the right mix of emotional, financial, and professional support to stay resilient.
5. Get actionable strategies to stay connected with your children and grow beyond the divorce process.

Divorce and custody battles are never easy, but when conflict runs high and emotions spiral, the experience can feel utterly overwhelming—especially for dads. On this week’s episode of Great Dad Talks, I sat down with Alex Dane (a pseudonym), whose new book “Winning Your Divorce” dives deep into the nuanced, difficult realities modern fathers can face when legal disputes over children and assets get heated. Our conversation didn’t shy away from the messier side of separating as a parent—and it’s one I think every dad should hear.

Why Alex Dane Chose to Speak Up

Alex explained right off the bat why he’s sharing his story under a pseudonym: “I’m just using the pseudonym just to put a little bit of space between myself and the book… people can get crazy with emails and that, but if someone wants to look hard enough, they can figure out who I am, I’m sure.” With a successful background in business and healthcare, Alex’s credentials are sound, but it’s his gut-wrenching personal journey through a high-conflict divorce that gives his advice authority and gravity.

The Reality of High-Conflict Divorce

We’ve all heard the stereotypes—once lawyers get involved, everything turns ugly and dads are put on the defensive. Unfortunately, Alex confirmed those perceptions aren’t that far off for many:
“I found myself in a situation where… there was an instant kind of custody battle. And, you know, in hindsight, I was a bit naive about how the whole process was going to work.”

Most eye-opening was his discussion of the first mover advantage:

“I misjudged how quickly the first mover can do certain things like restrict access to the children. I had to make all these big life decisions for myself, for my kiddo, at the time when I had the least amount of brain power, because the emotional toll at the beginning is really traumatic.”

He warns, “Once you’re in it, you know… they’re always going to choose the conflictual decision to make their next choices,” referencing the psychological ‘prisoner’s dilemma’ that can quickly shift the dynamic from collaborative to combative.

The Danger of Naivete—and The Need for Strategy

We talked about how dads might hope a split will stay rational—then get blindsided:

“I was holding off on filing even though I had sent the email just to try to not cause more anger… [But] I didn’t understand that there’s kind of no such thing as parental rights, in a way.”

Alex learned that simply “hoping for the best” leaves you vulnerable. When his access to his son was suddenly restricted, he saw just how slow and costly the courts can be for the non-initiating parent:

• Immediate loss of access — “I hadn’t seen my son for a week or two… through email access was kind of denied.”
• Emotional exhaustion — “The feeling is so kind of tumultuous that for the first time in my life… there was times when I just thought I was going to lose.”
• Financial drain — “The amount of money that it was going to cost, I could, as soon as I could see that there was—it was impossible for me to make that amount of money…”

What Really Matters to the Courts

A crucial moment in our chat centered on what judges actually care about. Alex highlighted that, no matter how rational and responsible you appear, “there’s always a certain percentage of perception… seen through the lens of the stereotype.” For dads, that could mean battling assumptions about male parenting incompetence.

Key takeaways:

• Perception management is critical: “I needed to kind of manage the relationship, you know, both with my legal team, the other legal team and the judge by putting forward and really thinking about what perception was going to be while I went through this process.”
• Professionalism pays: Your lawyer must balance representing your interests and their long-term relationships in the legal field.
• ‘Best interest of the child’ is their guiding star—but is sometimes a “catch all term” used to keep things moving.

Building a Survival Team: Support and Resilience

Alex was candid about needing more than just legal expertise. When the stress hit, friends and trusted confidants became vital:

“My network became very important during this process… You need someone that’s going to tell you the truth. That’s straight talk. You need someone that multiple people that you can run your thoughts by. You need someone that’s an emotional support.”

If your friends or family can’t fill that role, look for men’s support groups, experienced coaches, or professionals with a background in custody issues. He mentioned connecting with Jude from The Dadvocate, who offered solid strategic advice, and stressed there’s “no shame in reaching out” when you’re in crisis.

Alex’s Top Advice for Dads Facing High-Conflict Divorce

Here’s what Alex wishes every dad knew before diving in:

• Don’t be naive. If high conflict might erupt, talk to a lawyer early—waiting “to keep the peace” often backfires.
• Prepare your support system (friends, family, coaches, or support groups).
• Document everything and manage your image—judges and lawyers are watching.
• Expect emotional turbulence—it’s normal to hit rock bottom and feel hopeless.
• Put one foot in front of the other—“The amount of emotional intelligence and ability to emotional process is more than any other event, any other event in my life that I’ve needed.”
• Stay focused on the long-term well-being of your kids, not just ‘winning.’ As Alex concluded: “Winning your divorce means you come to a resolution that builds you better family. In the end.”

Final Thoughts

As a coach, father, and someone who grew up in a divided family, I know how deeply these wounds can cut. Modern dads are more engaged and defined by their roles than ever before, and the threat of losing access to our kids isn’t just logistical—it’s an existential blow.

Alex’s journey proves that even in the darkest moments, it’s possible not just to survive, but to rebuild. If you’re facing the battle yourself, reach out for support, learn the legal landscape, and don’t go it alone.

For more on this topic and to find coaching and resources—including links to Alex’s upcoming book—visit GreatDad.com or check out Alex’s project at HowToWinYourDivorce.Substack.com.

Remember, a happy family starts with you—even if the shape of that family changes.