Understanding Emotional Influence in Parenting with Dr. Brian DesRoches

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Learn how your presence and emotions affect your child’s sense of safety and nervous system.
2. Discover how your reactions often stem from childhood experiences and patterns.
3. Get actionable steps for calming yourself during stressful parenting moments.
4. Find out why reconnecting after tough moments is key to your child’s well-being and self-worth.
5. Gain tools to show up with empathy and awareness, improving your relationship with your kids.

Hey dads, it’s Paul Banas here from the Great Dad Talks podcast. This week, I had the pleasure of interviewing Brian DesRoches—a true expert with 40 years in psychotherapy and a unique focus on the intersection of neuroscience and therapy. We tackled the complex topic of regulation and co-regulation, diving into how our nervous systems interact, and how our childhood experiences influence how we show up as fathers.

Why Regulation and Co-Regulation Matter

We started by discussing why it’s so challenging to keep our cool as dads, even when we have the best intentions. As Brian put it, “The little buggers, they trigger you sometimes,” and yes—even the big ones do too!

Brian explained that our nervous systems are wired to respond not just to words, but to every nuance of presence—eye contact, tone, even subtle gestures. “My right hemisphere is picking all that up… making sense of [nonverbals] much faster than the words,” he said. This led to a fascinating concept: emotional influence. Even when we’re miles apart, we’re co-regulating each other just by our presence.

The Impact of Presence (and Absence)

One of the most striking ideas was how simply turning away, or being distracted, can trigger a sense of threat in a child:

• “If you and I were talking and I suddenly turn my head, I can guarantee you your nervous system would shut down and you would go into fight or flight.”
• “For our ancient ancestors, to be able to read the face of others was absolutely essential to survival. We still have that in us.”

So, yes, it matters when you’re “present but not there”—scrolling on your phone while your kid plays. They aren’t just missing your words, they’re missing cues of connection and safety.

Connection and Repair

As dads, our job isn’t just to connect—it’s to repair the inevitable disconnects. “If there’s anything that is so essential, it’s our capacity to connect and then to repair the disconnect,” Brian emphasized. If we consistently ignore our kids, they learn “I must not be important,” which can echo throughout their lives.

Understanding Triggers: Our Own and Our Kids’

We went deep on why we get triggered as parents—often, it’s old childhood pain resurfacing. Brian shared his personal story of anger and frustration when his son was excluded from sports, recognizing it was rooted in his own past:

• “My anger was my protective mechanism to deal with my own powerlessness over the situation.”
• “The vast majority of our dysfunctional, maladaptive behaviors… are all protective behaviors.”

The key takeaway here is that our reactions aren’t character flaws—they’re learned protective responses from past pain.

Can Self-Awareness Really Fix Triggers?

I asked Brian whether simply recognizing these patterns can help us change. He was nuanced:

• It’s not just about insight or “fixing the problem,” which is what most therapies focus on.
• True transformation comes from updating the emotional learning itself—changing the neural pathways.

This is more powerful than just counting to ten or trying to think positive thoughts. “The new neuroscience now tells us we can change at the synaptic level of the brain,” said Brian.

Advice for Regulating as a Dad

So, what can you do when you’re triggered by your child? Here are some actionable steps Brian recommends:

Trigger-Informed Mindfulness

• Notice your triggered state: Pay attention to what happens in your body—tightness, frustration, heat in the chest.
• Ask “What’s this about for me?” Start investigating the underlying fear or learning.
• Observe your patterns: Are you withdrawing, criticizing, placating, etc.? When and why does it happen?
• After an incident, do a post-mortem: What was your experience? How did it feel? This calms the nervous system and starts the reconnection process.

For Younger Kids

• Maintain facial contact and presence: “How important your facial contact with that little bundle of beauty is… at all ages… eye contact, smiling and presence generates for that child a sense of safeness and significance.”
• Reflect on how you want to experience yourself with your child: “After every interaction with your child, what do you want to say about yourself? Not about the child, but about yourself.”

Final Thoughts

Brian’s core message is powerful—our triggers come from learned pain, but awareness and presence can transform how we relate. The more we observe ourselves, the more we can be the dad we want to be. As he said, “Living a life of awareness is so much stronger than most of what—” and that awareness is the foundation for strong, happy families.

If you want to dive deeper, check out Brian’s book Living a Trigger-Free Life. It’s evidence-based and packed with stories and practical steps for dads.

Thanks for listening—and remember, a strong and happy family starts with YOU!