Pregnancy
My wife had a lot of gas when she was pregnant with our first child. One night was particularly eventful so I said, “Jan, would you mind going into another room until you’re done?” She said, “If I left the room every time I had to pass gas, I’d never be here.” —Howard J. Bennett, MD
After my first pregnancy, all of my fat went to my thighs. All of my husband’s fat went to his head. —Molly Ryan, MD
How can I have morning sickness when I don’t get up till noon? —Rita Rudner
The only time a women wishes she was a year older is when she’s expecting a baby. —Mary Marsh
You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one. —Jay Leno
Childbirth
Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. —Joyce Armor
Home delivery is for newspapers, not babies. —Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple”
A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, “Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.” —Gracie Allen
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s under water. But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. —Elayne Boosler
President Clinton signed a bill that requires insurance companies to let mothers stay a minimum of 48 hours after their baby is born. To qualify, all the mother has to do is sign a form swearing that Bill Clinton isn’t the father. —Jay Leno
I told my mother I was going to have natural childbirth. She said to me, ‘Linda, you’ve been taking drugs all your life. Why stop now?” —Linda Maldonado
Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
—Carol Burnett