How to screw up Halloween

It’s not easy, but thousands of dads do it every year. Here are five ways to make this Halloween the most memorable ever, in the worst way:

1. Force your child into the arms of random hobgoblins and people dressed as monsters. It will definitely toughen them up for all the crazies that exist in the real world, while providing many laughs for the evening.

2. Dress your child completely in black. This is sure to scare motorists even more than you. Just stay away from trucks and buses.

3. Find costumes that are way too skimpy for late Fall weather. Tarzan or Miss America costumes are perfect for bringing on a chest cold that will remind you of the Halloween magic for a few weeks after all the decorations have come down.

4. Let the kids eat as much candy as they can as soon as they come home. In fact, make it a candy-eating contest. Whoever eats the most, gets to keep whatever is left over and the others have to throw theirs away. This way, you kill two birds with one stone. Everyone has a memorable evening in the bathroom, and most of the candy is gone the next day.

5. Send your kids out alone. By 8, they probably know how to get around the block without supervision. Or not. It’s a good test anyway.

Or you can pass on these suggestions, and muddle through on your own.

PS: Every time I write something like this, I get hate mail suggesting I’m the worst dad ever, so I want to make sure it’s clear to everyone that this is sarcasm and just an attempt at humor.