Seven worst pet gifts and two good ones

It’s December 23rd and still time to answer a Craiglist ad for a new horse, pet pig, or used rabbit cage. Here’s our advice on six pets not to get:

1. Tarantula – Sure, they are cute, furry, and cuddly when you take them home, but wait until your son lays one on your face while you’re taking a post-football Sunday nap. Your heart attack won’t be as embarrassing as what you’ll do in your pants.

2. Snake – Yes, they also look great in the pet store when you’re thinking of how your ex-wife will react. But, trust me, they are a lot less fun when the wily creatures find a way out of the snake cage, free to wander through the walls and heating ducts of your house, ready to jump out at you.

3. Baby Croc – Ever hear of the alligators in the New York sewer system, some of which managed to crawl backwards up the pipes to take bites out of the rears of people sitting on the toilet. Even if it’s the goofiest urban myth imaginable, I still don’t like the image or increasing the probability of it happening.

3. Pony – Unless you have a driver to take your child to the stable a few times a week and a trust fund to cover the stable bills, this is not a gift any sane parent should consider.

4. Cat – Cats are the devil’s embodiment on earth, here to tease us while planting deep, dark thoughts in our brains, while they aren’t plotting to suffocate us while we sleep. Invite one into your home at your own peril.

5. Eboli Virus – It’s alive, active, and hard to kill. Sounds like a perfect pet for young kids then? Think again.

6. Dog – We love dogs. They are smart, loyal, and wonderful burglar alarms. But if you ever want to take another vacation, without a dog strapped to the roof a la Mitt Romney, think again. Even if you never vacation anywhere beyond car range, spending all your free time out walking a dog with a plastic bag of warm feces in your hand is no way to spend middle age.

7. Gerbil – Mess to clean with constant odor. They enjoy drawing blood from fingers just trying to pet them. Worse: a ferret.

Two suggestions:

1. Ant Farm – Ants make no noise and just eat through the jelly included in the ant farm. When they die, no one cries.

2. Miniature frogs – These frogs, like the ones from Wild Creations,