There’s no denying that it’s embarrassing if a guest or loved one keels over
with a heart attack during a dinner party. In the past, all you could do to
thwart this possibility was to invite your family doctor to all of your parties.
Now, however, with the combination Toaster/Home Defibrillator™ these anxious
moments will be a thing of the past. With the push of a button, the side of your
toaster opens up and two hospital grade defibrillator paddles pop out so you can
shock your victim back to life. Operation is simple—just use the darkness
selector to adjust the power setting: Light, Medium, or Dark. In no time at all,
your guest will be back on his feet and ready for dessert.
Remember the last time you went to the beach? The sky was blue, the sand was
warm, and the ocean was perfect. It was so relaxing. Until you glanced at your
abdomen and noticed that ugly, brown mole you keep forgetting to have checked.
It just ruined your day at the beach. With Mole Check™ you’ll never have to
worry about unsightly or pre-cancerous moles again! And it’s so easy to use.
First you take a picture of your lesion with Mole Check’s™ built-in camera.
After the image is processed digitally, Mole Check™ compares your mole to its
data base of over 124,000 melanomas and other skin malignancies. In 60 seconds,
Mole Check™ lets you know if your mole looks worrisome or not.
Because Mole Check™ was designed by a leading dermatologist at a major medical
center, it provides clinical suggestions depending on the level of concern
generated by its internal computer chip. For example, if the lesion is mildly
suspicious, Mole Check™ will tell you to enjoy the rest of your vacation and get
the mole examined in the next few weeks. If the lesion looks more suspicious,
you will be counseled to see a doctor within the next few days. If things look
really grim, Mole Check™ might suggest that you proposition the next gorgeous
person you see on the beach. After all, what have you got to loose?
Remember, there is no such thing as just a mole!
Are you tired of worrying whether the next meal you eat will be your last? With
all the Salmonella and E. Coli out there, it’s a wonder that any of us can ever
leave the bathroom to go to work. One way to deal with this microbial invasion
is to cook your food until it’s as hard as a hockey puck. Now, however, thanks
to the revolutionary Culture Kit™ you can find out in minutes whether your steak
tartare is inhabited by any malevolent bugs or not. The Culture Kit™ is easy to
use and anyone with an undergraduate degree in microbiology will find it a snap
to operate. In a convenient, 18 step process that relies on monoclonal
antibodies, gel electrophoresis, and pulse densitometry, you will know the
status of your meal within thirty minutes. If you see a at the end of the
testing period, go ahead and chow down on your food. However, if you see a ,
toss out your dinner and have a Michelob instead.
When you were a child, remember how you wanted to make your teeth into a
necklace? Capture the spirit of your youth by having your internal organs
preserved for all time. Normally after surgery your body parts are sent to the
Pathology Department where they end up in a jar of formaldehyde on someone’s
dusty shelf. With Organ Trophies™ your tissues end up where they belong—with
After purchasing Organ Trophies™ you will receive a registration card that can
be sent to the doctor, surgeon, or medical center of your choice. Then, at the
time of surgery, you fill out a Trophy Card specifying how you want your organ
preserved. Tissues are plated in bronze or silver, and they can be mounted in a
style to suit everyone’s needs (double the price if you prefer silver). Please
allow six weeks for delivery, slightly longer for hearts and brains.
Do you remember how your mother always told you to wear clean underwear in case
you needed to see a doctor on short notice? With TushGuard™ underpants you’ll
always be prepared for that unexpected medical visit. TushGuards™ are made from
an ultra-thin synthetic that is so sheer, it can be compressed into an area the
size of a bean. As a result, you can carry TushGuards™ with you wherever you go.
And as long as you’re conscious, you’ll be able to change into your TushGuards™
in a flash.
To further ensure your peace of mind and privacy, TushGuards™ are packaged with
three handy items that have specially designed “hide-away” compartments. Order
TushGuards™ today—you’ll never look so good in a hospital gown!
• Replacement TushGuards™
Research has shown that doctors spend twice as much time with patients if
they’re accompanied by a spouse. Doctors do this because they not only have to
address the patient’s concerns, but husbands and wives always bring their own
list of questions to ask. Granted, most of these questions are about Aunt Edna
and the neighbor’s cat, but a few of them relate to their spouse. So what are
patients to do when their mate is working or out of town? The answer is simple:
When you order Rent-A-Spouse™ you select a spouse from our extensive catalog of
models and out of work actors. You specify the age, background, physical
characteristics, and other attributes necessary to make the charade effective.
Then, when circumstances require a spouse on short notice, you dial
1-800-HENPECK and the spouse of your dreams will be sent to your office within
the hour (spouse’s can also meet you at the emergency room or hospital for an
additional transportation fee). All of our spouses are fully versed on your
medical background so crafty doctors won’t notice the switch.
Thanks to Rent-A-Spouse™ you’ll never again have to face the doctor alone!
#TALKMORE $125.00 (per hour)
Thanks to improved microchip technology, we just acquired the first portable CT
scanner for our catalog. Weighing in at a little over 4 pounds, the HeadScan™ is
about the size and shape of a professional football helmet. The HeadScan™ plugs
into any 120-volt outlet and is very easy to use. Once the patient is “strapped
in,” pressing a small switch that’s positioned behind the right ear activates
the scanner. The scan takes minutes to complete and can be interpreted in two
ways. For those of you who always wanted to be doctors, HeadScan™ comes with
software that catalogues all known neurosurgical diseases and lesions. The
manual includes step-by-step instructions on how to read the scan and a list of
board-certified neurosurgeons in your area. For those patients who are not
interested in self-diagnosis, we recommend the optional University Affiliation
Contract. After you finish the scan, the image is downloaded to our website
where a neuroradiologist is standing by 24 hours a day. Results are available
immediately, and you can be contacted by phone, e-mail, or the nearest medical
So the next time you get a headache, don’t lie awake all night wondering if
you’ll be alive to read Michael Crichton’s latest novel. Turn on your HeadScan™
and sleep like a baby!
Your Own Medical Center™
Imagine if you could see a specialist the same day you needed one or that you
could get an elective procedure scheduled at your convenience instead of the
doctor’s. Now you can, by owning your own medical center. In the past,
contributing large sums of money to a hospital didn’t get you much—perhaps
they’d name a wing after you or have a little ceremony so you got your picture
in the paper. Now that academic medical centers are desperate for improved cash
flow, the time is right to get a bigger bang for your buck. Once you purchase
your medical center, you can change name, rehire the board of directors, and do
whatever’s necessary to get the type of care you’ve always wanted. So call now
and put yourself in the driver’s seat. Remember, you can’t take it with you!
•Your Own Medical Center™