The Ten Talents of Parenting: Reaching Out

Reaching Our for Support

Do you get enough support? No? I didn’t think so! Most parents
don’t. We may refuse to admit to ourselves that we even need it, or we may know we need it, but are
embarrassed to ask for it. We might not believe we deserve any help, or we might feel there’s
nobody out there willing or able to support us.

Another obstacle to reaching out is all the “helpful” advice and “constructive” criticism we receive from friends and relatives. This type
of help can make us feel like we are better off handling everything alone, no matter how hard that
is. We may have forgotten what true support feels like. But don’t give up. Keep looking and you’ll
find someone who recognizes that you are doing your best, who enjoys your children just as they are,
and who can listen to you without judging you.

Support can come in unexpected ways. I
remember one day, back when my daughter was 3 or 4, we were having a big argument. I don’t remember
what it was about, but I do remember that she kept yelling at me to leave her room. Each time I
started to leave, though, she would grab my leg and scream for me to stay. We were both extremely
frustrated.

I thought about calling my friend Kris to complain. She had a son about the same
age as Emma, and we often had good conversations about tricky parenting situations. So I started to
leave Emma’s room again, and she grabbed me again. This time, I said, “I’m going to call Kris.”
She let go of my leg, pushed me out the door, and said, “You go call Kris.”

By the time
Kris answered the phone I had forgotten our fight because I was laughing so hard at the fact that
Emma knew perfectly well what the situation needed – for me to collect some support, to get a little “fresh air” from someone not caught up in the immediate battle we were having. After that phone
call, Emma and I had no trouble reconnecting.

It’s still hard to reach out though. We all
have things we’re embarrassed to admit. Some parents really need a break, but they don’t want
anyone to see how messy their house is. If that rings a bell, check out the strange and wonderful
Web site FlyLady.org. The Fly Lady’s name comes from the phrase First Love Yourself, and she helps
people with CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and other homemaking dilemmas. Once you’re
over that hurdle, you’ll be more able to reach out for the support you need.

Of course, even
the Fly Lady won’t come over and do your dishes, but every aspect of parenting goes smoother and
easier if we can arrange more practical support (such as childcare that allows a much-needed break
or some good one-on-one time with just one child) and more emotional support (such as validation for
what a good job we’re doing – especially if it doesn’t feel like it).

Whenever parents meet
to tell their true stories of the joys and struggles of raising children – like at a mom’s or
dad’s support group – everyone’s feelings of hopelessness and isolation go way down, confidence
levels go way up, and day-to-day parenting improves as well. We usually don’t need someone to tell
us what to do, but we do need someone to listen to us think it through – and maybe let us cry on
their shoulder a little, too. This isn’t the same as complaining. Real support requires telling
deep secrets about our wishes, fears, hopes and dreams as a parent. If we don’t share these secret
feelings, they tend to keep us isolated and stuck in old patterns.

So try picking a friend
who seems like a good listener, or it could be your spouse/partner, one of your parents or a
co-worker. Take just five minutes to talk about what’s going well and what you could use a hand
with. Make it clear that you don’t expect him or her to fix the problem, just to lend some
emotional support (though if she offers to do your dishes, all the better!). Then ask if you can
listen to his or her parenting concerns for five minutes.

Whenever I suggest this idea,
parents always look at me like I’m nuts: Why on Earth would they “waste” 10 minutes on something
like that? But I keep suggesting it because I keep hearing back from people who have tried it; they
all say that sharing this listening time daily or weekly is what gets them through parenthood in one
piece.

One more thing, while we’re on the subject of reaching out. Most of us parents have
received dirty looks when we were struggling with a temper tantrum in public or involved in some
other humiliating parenting disaster. So when we see someone else in the same boat, let’s remember
to support them, offer to help them out, instead of passing on those dirty looks and rolling eyes.

– Lawrence J. Cohen

(First appeared in Parenthood.com.)