It’s a topic many fathers think about but few discuss. No, not the "birds and the bees" chat – between playground chatter, the internet and cable television today’s kids pretty much educate themselves. Not H1N1 (a quick shot and surgical mask should do the trick). Not even bullying, which has likely made its way to repeated, unwelcomed pokes on Facebook.
I of course refer to farting.
As we all know, everyone farts: movie stars, athletes, priests, grandmothers, kings and peasants. However, as the patriarch, such a lapse in control, such a monstrous clouding of one’s own dominion, may be especially embarrassing – particularly if your daughter’s entire soccer team is present in the back of the mini-van.
But all is not lost. Three simple steps can help stave off the embarrassment of cutting one at precisely the wrong moment.
1. Distribute farts wisely. Though scientists cannot agree, various studies have estimated that males pass gas between seven and 25 times each day. With this in mind, plan meals accordingly. Pay special attention to parts of your day in which you may encounter elevators, the clergy, long car trips, members of the opposite sex and – on bad days – any encounter with another human being.
2. Diet can change everything. Do you love baked beans, eggs, cauliflower, milk, beer and broccoli? Well, they don’t love you. If you can cut out carbs to slim down for the wife or neighborhood singles, surely you can wean yourself off of these combustible treats. Trust us, it’s worth it.
3. If all else fails, take pride. If you’ve just passed gas in the company of others, very few are likely to be fooled by the silent treatment, and blushing might give you away. Saying, "That was me, and I’d do it again," removes the awkwardness and embarrassment from the situation – even if the smell may linger.