It's every father's worst nightmare: a teenage daughter. You can't talk to her, look at her funny or address her in public without somehow screwing it up royally.
And, to make things even worse, she's dating some snot-nosed punk. But, no need to worry. By employing a few simple techniques, you can ensure that all of her relationships sputter out until she hits college. At that point, we suggest implementing the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy.
Your first order of business? Shame her into chastity. The next time you spot her giggling over some clandestine text messages, make sure to slip a few sentiments regarding purity into the conversation. You can fall back on old gems like, "No man's going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free," or opt for something a little more original like, "Your grandfather always suspected you'd be easy, and I'm just grateful he didn't live to find out he was right."
Encourage her to indulge. If you're really serious about keeping your daughter single and celibate, encourage her to take third and fourth helpings of your wife's famous macaroni and cheese, keep the kitchen stocked with her favorite desserts and make late-night fast food runs part of your father-daughter bonding time. This plan is flawless.
Make contact sports mandatory. If your daughter is currently a track star or talented tennis player, encourage her to drop her passion and pursue more serious contact sports like rugby. Black eyes, self-defense techniques and developed delts will all serve to cool the advances of even the most ardent suitor.
Hint to her boyfriend that she's unstable. Whenever she's out of earshot, make sure to tell her new guy how happy you are they met – things were really dark after she was arrested for stalking Robert Pattinson. The medication she's on is really helping with her violent outbursts. The rash is almost completely gone.
Of course, there is another option. Accepting that your daughter is growing up and offering her advice and support as she navigates the treacherous waters of the teenage dating world. Or, threaten violence against any boy who looks at her. Your call.