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About Lilly Gordon

Here are my most recent posts

Original and Easy Mother’s Day Gifts for Clueless Men

Mother’s Day is almost upon us and you don’t have a clue what to get the most important woman in your life. (Your own Mother is still important, but you can still get away with a “Free Hug” coupon even though you’re 37.) Before you slap the plastic down on the florist’s counter again, think about all your partner has done for you. Really get those cogs a’turning and mentally calculate the effort she exudes running the household, raising the kids and possibly even maintaining a career outside the home. The “I heart Mom” coffee mug probably isn’t going to say “I am in awe of everything you do.” And that’s what your Mother’s Day gift should say. Leave the flowers, handprints and goofy cards to the kids; this year, get her something that will make her eyes well up with tears of joy; the gift that’s going to be impossible to top, but worth every penny.

  1. Garden in Bloom: As an alternative to the lazy man’s gift of flowers, why not get your gardening goddess some beautiful perennials and plant them for her? Any landscaping company or greenhouse can source out an expert to let you know exactly which plants will work in your yard. Container gardening is hot for busy Moms who have a green-thumb but don’t have the time to reap and sow. An herb garden chock full of her favorite flavors will be a treat for the whole family.
  2. Photo Books: With the plethora of photo book companies advertising online, it shouldn’t be hard to find a relatively inexpensive option for a fantastic photo book for your wife. All you need to do is navigate the mouse and your wife’s hard drive, find her photos folder and start uploading. You could even go the extra step and scan some photos in if you’re a keener. Compile a photo book of striking and beautiful shots of your wife; your wedding day, a day at the beach, playing with the kids. Then write some flowery, loving captions and let her know how beautiful and valuable you think she truly is. The final product is professional looking and impressive enough to make anyone delighted.
  3. Send Her Packing: Sure, a gift card to her favorite clothing store is always appreciated, but also kind of lame. This year, call your local mall and some near-by boutiques and find a personal shopper. Purchase a gift card for the mall, make lunch reservations for her and a friend and send her on her way. You and the kids can hang while she’s out getting dolled up.  She gets a day of glamor while you get out of shopping; it’s the perfect crime.
  4. Relax and Decompress: No Mom is going to balk at a spa day. A certificate for a spa is cool. A spa day package for and a friend is even cooler. Some spas have discounts for purchase like this so you may luck out (or, you might pay through the nose.) The point is, your wife deserves a break and she may never admit she needs one, but she does.
  5. Turn the House Upside-Down: Moms everywhere are the primary cleaners in the house – it’s a fact. There have been stories, nay legends, of Dads who help tidy, but we think this may be a myth. Call local cleaning companies and ask for a one-time rate. Take the kids and your wife out for a picnic in the park on Mother’s Day and surprise her with a sparkling abode when she gets home. She’ll be very grateful, and you still won’t have to lift a finger (other than to hand over the credit card.)

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be predictable and it doesn’t have to be a scramble. Do something extravagant this year and knock her socks off with an original (and easy) gift. She deserves it.

Lilly Gordon is a freelance author and web publisher (and a wife and Mother of two.) She works for Edmonton greenhouses on container gardening ideas. She appreciates extravagant gifts of Spa days and housecleaning, and has already sent this article to her husband.

Top 5 iPhone Apps for the Lazy Husband

Throughout the centuries, man has been baffled by the complexities of woman. Her bewitching scent, beguiling eyes and that come hither hip wiggle. Women were made to entice men – and men were made to hunt, gather and mate. Unfortunately for you suckers, times have changed: putting food on the table isn’t enough. We want it all: the ultimate Dad, the doting husband, and the romantic meaningful gifts. And now comes the part that should have all men smiling ad high-fiving – the invention of the instructional iPhone App – the single easiest way to become a better husband.

They have apps to alert you to birthdays, apps to give you recipes… Hell, they even have apps to teach you how to do the laundry. There are no more excuses fellas – the technology is here.

1. Fun Flower Facts App

Cost: Free

This app comes from online florists, Grower Direct. It is designed to give you all the knowledge and help you need to provide your lady love with beautiful blossoms whenever, wherever. These relationship geniuses provide anniversary ideas, even ideas for last-minute Christmas gifts. Take advantage of their truly helpful “Guys Guide to Giving Flowers.” It doesn’t get much easier than this. (And, while you’re there, you can learn what monobotanic means, just for fun.)

2. Sorry Cards

Cost: $0.99

This app is pretty straightforward: it lets you send sorry cards to your wife when you have wronged her. Again. No man should be without this app, married or not. We all know men have trouble saying they’re sorry – now you can do it with a puppy with sad eyes saying “I’m Sowwy…” Believe me, it works.

3. Family Fun – Family Friendly Activities

Cost: $1.99

There is nothing women love more than a dedicated, spontaneous Dad. The problem most men have is coming up with ideas that will excite and energize the whole family. That’s where this app comes in. It provides even the dullest of dudes with plenty of interactive ideas for you and the kiddies. Scavenger Hunt anyone…?

4. Great Dates  -Fun Idea Manager

Cost: $0.99

Your lady deserves a date night!! One that doesn’t include beer (unless that’s what turns her on.) This fun app lets you choose from hundreds of fresh and classic date ideas. It even has a place for you to record your own great date ideas so you can relive the magic.

5. Sex Positions FREE*

Cost: Free

Last, but certainly not least, the app that will help you light that flame of passion again. This highly rated app has 79 positions included for you to study and master with your partner. It uses resources like the Kamasutra and will ensure constant Karma in the bedroom. It even includes a fun game for you and your mate to play when you’re in the mood.

*This app is rated 17+ so you might want to bury it in a “private” app folder so the kids don’t get a hold of it.

So there you have it: 5 great iPhone apps to woo your lady. You can even try all 5 in one day… Purple roses in the morning, a quick sorry card for not picking up your socks the night before, a living room picnic with the kids, a romantic date, all topped off with a randy tryst in the sack with your number one gal. It’s not for the faint of heart, but she’ll never call you lazy again.

Lilly Gordon is a freelance web publisher and writer. She is a Mom of two, stellar wife (most of the time) and enjoys writing and researching on a variety of topics, especially marriage, parenthood and ways for her husband to order cheap bouquets of flowers… hint, hint.

Things Men Really Need to Call a Professional For

We all know the scenario: something breaks down, Dad’s in the basement swearing and pounding on something metal with a wrench; Mom’s on the phone with the plumber / electrician / furnace guy. It’s a classic story. Fixing things with tools seems to be a statement of manliness and to tell the truth, that’s how we like it to. Women don’t want to take the power away – we just want to direct your energies to more important tasks. Tasks that we really hate doing: mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, shoveling snow. These are tasks that you are an expert at, and we get a certain sense of satisfaction seeing you do them. It makes us appreciate you even more.

But when we see you head into the bathroom with your “plumber’s pants” on because the toilet is making a god-awful noise, it strikes fear in our hearts. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule: some hubbies know what they’re doing. And most are handy enough to handle replacing light fixtures, unclogging the central vac and replacing the trim that came off the floor. But when it comes to certain fixes, we want, nay – we need you to call in the professionals.

PLUMBING

I fully trust my husband to unclog the toilet, fix the leaky faucet (a maximum of three times before I get on the horn to the plumber) and put the chain back on the toilet plunger. Heck, I can do these things as well, but I know that these are things I can count on my man to take care of – things my kids can help with too. But leaking toilets, hopelessly clogged pipes and strange noises warrant a trip from the plumber. For instance (honey I love you but I have to break the silence…) this writer’s toilet has been, for lack of a better word, screaming when we flush it for a few months. Every few days my husband scratches his chin, makes a small adjustment, and the noise stops… for a day. And then we all have to sit through the melodic strains of Ode to Toilette once more; time to call a professional. The general rule of thumb for plumbing is: anything that can’t be fixed within 30 minutes warrants a plumber. Unless you ARE a plumber, 30 minutes plus worth of work is out of your league!

FIXING THE CAR

When it comes to the family vehicle, only extremely minor repairs are allowable. Changing the battery or the tires is something we can stomach you doing. Bumper repair, dent removal and pretty much anything under the hood lies in the realm of the mechanic’s job. We really don’t feel better when we notice you’re under the hood trying to replace brake cables or spark plugs – it makes us fear for our lives. And just for the record, black Sharpies do NOT hide scratches. (Sure, it may have been me who scratched the car, used the Sharpie, then blamed it on the kids but that’s not the point.) Even small damage repair needs to be done by professional – it’s the rule.

ELECTRICITY

This category is the scariest for women. Perhaps because we are afraid of losing our husbands and the fathers of our children… Perhaps because we are afraid of our houses burning down due to an unforeseen inner-wall fire which we all know can happen because we watched it on that animal show where the lady’s cat acts weird all night and wakes her up by licking her face because there’s an unseen fire in the wall. Anyway, the point is, even if you are not super-paranoid, the dangers of messing around with electricity are real, especially for amateurs. Fellas, we know you can switch the light bulbs and change light-plates. Heck, I let my husband install our light fixtures. But when it comes to any major rewiring, it’s time to fork over the dough.

GAS

We know you think you’re experts in this subject (insert laugh-track here) but the rule when it comes to gas is this: Yes, I CAN smell gas and yes, I have called someone in the time it took you to argue with me that you can’t. It is not permitted for husbands to tackle anything in this category.

ROOFING

I have to admit, I don’t have much experience in this category as my uber-man is afraid of heights; I have never had any arguments happen due to loose shingles. There have, however, been enough stories floating around the school-yard and enough videos on youtube of Dads falling off the roof or getting stuck in the chimney. We are of two minds on this subject. While we believe that repainting the window sills is most definitely a job you can do and save some money at, we want to make sure you’re steady up there. Small repairs are allowable, such as replacing ONE shingle, repainting or clearing out a vent. But anything that goes beyond that, especially anything to do with the chimney or major leakage on the roof, needs to be paid for. Sorry guys – you’re too valuable alive to us – you’ll have to make the call.

So, when it comes to these hopefully infrequent because they are bloody-expensive fixes, pick up the phone and call someone who’s trained to do it. We honestly think it’s sexier to see you call Dan the Plumber than it is to see you in the hospital or staring at your house while it’s burning down.

Lilly Gordon is a freelance web publisher and writer. She is a Mom of two, stellar wife (most of the time) and enjoys writing and researching on a variety of topics including her wonderful husband, the joys of parent-hood and sincerely apologizes for thinking car painting can be done with a Sharpie.

The Smart Man’s Guide to Apologizing

So… You screwed up again. It’s okay to admit it. In fact, if you actually admit it, you’re farther down the right track than most men. Kudos! Unfortunately, admitting you’re wrong is often-times not the “best you can do.” Chin up fella, she’ll forgive you, with some encouragement – which in this case means some form of bribery.

Here is your basic guide to apologizing for normal, everyday occurrences:

What You Did

Gift Required

Recommended Apology
Left your clothes on the ground Flowers: A small arrangement with at least three red roses.

“I’m sorry babe – when will I learn!”

“Lost” your wallet, keys, watch, etc. somewhere in the house (in plain view but she had to find it.)

Flowers: A small arrangement with lilies should do the trick.

“I’m sorry about that hon – I’d lose my head if it wasn’t screwed on tight!”
Left your expensive phone in the pocket of your pants. She washed it but it’s still your fault.

You pay for a new phone – and don’t ever mention it again.

“I’m sorry that you washed my phone –  I will NEVER leave my phone in my pants again!”
Broke item that once belonged to a dead, obscure relative of hers.

Night out with the girls: Tell her you’re staying at home with kids Friday night (DO NOT use the term “babysit”.)

“Dang that was stupid of me. I really miss your Great-Great-Aunt / Cousin / Grandma too…”
Broke item that once belonged to a dead, obscure relative of hers then lied about it, then told the truth after she found it in the garbage.

Jewelry: You can probably get away with some funky silver jewelry here.

“I don’t know why I did that – I guess I just love you so much I couldn’t bear to see you in pain.”
Gave her your “honest opinion” about something she was wearing.

Romantic dinner made by you including fancy dessert.

“I’m sorry hon – I think you look better naked…”
Get caught not listening.

Top to bottom house cleaning while she’s out shopping at your encouragement, with your cash.

“I’m really sorry honey – I know what you were saying is really important to you and therefore it’s important to me.”
Went to strip club.

Hotel room, dinner and flowers (not to be booked for at least one week after offense.)

“I’m sorry honey – I just had to go with (insert name here) because he’s been having a rough time lately. You know I think those girls are nasty.”
Looked at another woman while with your wife.

The whole package: Hotel room, babysitter, diamonds and bouquet of roses or her favorite flowers (not to be booked for at least two weeks after offense.)

“I’m sorry I just thought she looked a lot like my sister / mom / aunt. But I was wrong – my sister / mom / aunt is much prettier.”
Doing any of the above while she has PMS.

Massage and foot rub after she’s had a bath and you’ve cleaned the house and put the kids to bed.

Don’t say anything, just run. Take the kids. Don’t come back until you’ve had a lengthy visit with your mom.

Lilly Gordon is a freelance web publisher and writer. She is a Mom of two, stellar wife (most of the time) and enjoys writing and researching on a variety of topics, especially topics on marriage, weddings, flowers and the way to a woman’s heart.

The Reality of Pregnancy: A Week-by-Week Guide to Crazy Ladies and Nursing Bras

Wondering what to expect during your partner’s pregnancy? It’s a good idea to be realistic and expect the worst – then you may be pleasantly surprised. Just for the record, only about 10% of women experience happy, blissful pregnancies. The rest of us experience what I like to call the “year I went crazy.”

The beginning…

When a woman finds out she’s pregnant, she’s usually about 4 – 6 weeks along. (which in medical time is actually only 2-4 weeks.) So, as you can imagine, the hormones are just starting to brew. You might notice a little change; she may be a bit more emotional, her breasts may instantly perk up, and she may look at you like you’re an Adonis who fertilized her womb.

What most of you don’t know, is that this is the calm before the storm.

6-12 Weeks

This is the time when, if you’re going to get morning sickness, it’s going to start happening now and last until you hit the 12 – 14 week mark. If you’re not okay with your lady throwing up, don’t go near the bathroom. And it usually doesn’t happen in the morning. It could be noon, it could be the middle of the night, or it could be all day. Her breasts will be so sore that she’ll take a swing at you if you even look at them. She may cry during breakfast. Or on the phone. Or while she’s peeing. This is normal.

12 – 20 Weeks

This is the trickiest time in the pregnancy due to the start of the weight gain. Just a heads up for you guys; don’t comment on it. When she asks, “Do I look pregnant, or just fat…?” you can do one of two things:

  1. Say “Pardon? I didn’t hear you because I was too busy cleaning the bathroom for you. I know how tired you’ve been.”
  2. Pretend to pass out and just avoid the situation entirely.

The mother-to-be of your child may also be very tired right now. Let her sleep as much as possible to avoid unnecessary conflict. The morning sickness should be over now and give way to the whole new enemy: constipation. There is nothing you can do to help with this problem except to nod sympathetically if she brings it to your attention, and pretend not to cringe when you see stool softeners in the medicine cabinet.

20 – 28 Weeks

Now you will start to see your partner blossoming into a beautiful, life-giving entity. For those of you that are lucky, this is when some pregnant women get a little “randy” and suggest passionate sessions of sex. For those of you with a different type of extremely hormonal partner (remember, she can’t help it) this is when she will swear off sex for the rest of the pregnancy, if she hasn’t already. Also, she may take on an odd smell – this is caused by extreme flatulence – a common side effect of pregnancy. Also beware of: overheating, swelling of extremities and weird ailments (skin rashes, hemorrhoids, etc.)

This may also be the time to get the baby’s nursery in order. Be prepared for her to shop… A LOT. If this is your first, she may break the bank at baby boutiques buying everything from burp pads and potty seats to headbands. (Baby girls will cause a significantly bigger shopping spree.)

28-38 Weeks

If your wife is going to get bitchy, it’s going to happen now. There are varying degrees of bitchiness. She could range anywhere from Disney-princess to Linda Blair (think The Exorcist.) Women will shake their heads and disagree, but I for one, didn’t allow my husband to chew inside the house. Yes, chew. It’s not uncommon either. Here are a few things that may or may not set her off like an atomic bomb:

  1. Breathing on her, or breathing in general.
  2. Chewing next to her or chewing in general.
  3. Snoring.
  4. Drinking alcohol or general merriment with “the boys”.
  5. Mentioning there’s a funny smell from her (she probably farted – keep it to yourself.)
  6. Your suddenly stronger-than-usual odor.
  7. Your hygiene habits – do not clip your toenails around her.
  8. Any sudden noises (like coughing.)
  9. Any failure to understand what she’s going through (dude, just pretend.)
  10. The mere mention of sex.

38 – 42 Weeks (I really hope for your sake it’s 40 weeks)

You’re in the homestretch! You’ve both made it to the end of a long, hard journey… but not quite. This is the nesting period, when your lovely will clean out the whole pad, scrubbing like she’s Cinderella and working for food. Don’t get in her way – even to help. She won’t notice anyway, and she’ll just clean it again. You are to offer your heavy-lifting services only.

Your wife will look as big as she’s going to get now. Her breasts will be massive and need to be poured into a nursing bra 2-3 sizes bigger than normal. Her belly will resemble a massive beach ball and her feet may be so swollen she has to have a foot rub twice a day (get on it!)

Quick Tips to get you through 40-ish weeks of joy/scariness:

  • Go to the appointments with her.
  • Don’t miss the ultrasound!
  • Give her foot rubs every day.
  • Pretend to be excited about everything.
  • Be less annoying in general.

Good luck and God Speed.

Lilly Gordon is a freelance web publisher and author and enjoys writing on a variety of topics. She is a wife and mother of two and specializes in babies, burp pads and diaper changing.