Time to face the strain, Ch,Ch,Ch, Changes…
Changing diapers is a simple task. When practiced it can become automatic and done in one’s sleep. However, like the profession of crop-dusting, practice can only be had by actually doing the nasty deed i.e. there is no way to garner the needed skills without actually changing a diaper.And, if you are going to get your practice in to become an expert in this facet of parenthood… get it early in the game, two or three weeks after the kid first comes home from the hospital (and he/she is still too young to know you’re doing it wrong) and while the wife is too tired, and /or too proud of your efforts to make fun of you for being such a spaz.
Until you become an expert (more on that later) there are simply three tips that you must adhere to:
- When it is your turn to change the baby, elect to do so quickly and with out the slightest bit of reservation. My wife and I developed a continuous game of Roe-Champ-Beau (Rock, Scissors, Paper) 2 out of 3 winner doesn’t have to change the kid.
- Always be prepared for the worst. Always, I repeat, ALWAYS be prepared for and have at arms reach all of the necessary items to change absolutely the worst nuclear dump (read: explosion) you can imagine… and if there is no nuclear dumpsite when you begin the change… one may be created just for your visual and ole factorial pleasure during the change. If it’s a boy, also be prepared for the fountain of yute.
- Never, NEVER leave a semi soiled un-diapered child on the changing table to go and fetch something that should have been on the tool bench before you started…. NEVER leave your child unattended on the tool bench. Too many bad things can happen. First, you don’t want your kid to pull them selves over, fall off, and hurt themselves. Second, you don’t want to rival the following story with your own brand of horror. A friend of mine documented to me, with all too much visual clarity an experience his one year old daughter shared with him while we was away from the changing table for just a second, looking for more wipeys. It seems his daughter who had a great grasp for life, reached down a grabbed the well soiled diaper with her right hand, pulled it out from under her, and brought it up onto her face for a closer look at her handiwork. When my (note: unnamed) pal returned to the changing table… the diaper was completely covering his daughter’s face, and she was squirming with fear (or delight…he couldn’t tell). He promptly pulled the diaper from her face, saw the poopy-artwork on her face, in her nose, eyes, and mouth and then he judiciously turned around and yakked on the carpet. Imagine trying to explain this story to your wife.
[ Well honey, … you know I wasn’t feeling so well…and when I went to change the diaper it was so bad I had to barf, and as HER SAFTY COMES FIRST, I COULDN’T LEAVE HER ALL ALONE ON THE CHANGING TABLE, so I had to throw-up on the floor. While I was juggling my lunch, I accidentally pulled the soiled diaper out from under her and I guess she kind’a got a hold of it… and… pulled it up near her face.]So, NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE ON THE CHANGING TABLE.To further complicate Changes, like baseball, there are two types of changing games: the Home Change and the Away Change.
The Home Change
I have previously chronicled, the need for a tool bench-type changing area in the home (females call this the changing table) where all of the exact needed tools are easily in reach and placed in the appropriate ergonomic position… The reason for this is that when you are handling a privately made-just for you-on the spur of the moment nuclear explosive dump, you need to be able to reach with your right hand (if right handed) under the table for the wet-wipes (now known to you as wipeys) while holding the terrorist of the table by the ankles with your left hand so that he/she doesn’t squirm into the waste product thereby making the situation worse.
The Away Change
The away change is similar to the home change… except it is conducted on the trunk of the car, or on your best friend’s brand new cream colored Berber carpet (or new couch). Meaning, you have exact duplicates of all the acutramonts from the home change workbench loaded into the Away Change Bag. You then carry this bag with you where-ever you go for the two or three years. The value of a fully stocked “away change” bag can never be fully appreciated until your child prodigy develops turbo-diarrhea while you are several hundred miles from home. You will probably be at a wedding, dinner party, or on vacation, etc… when after you have stripped away the remnants of the old soiled diaper, you reach assuredly into the Away Change Bag and find that you are missing a key ingredient in the successful away change game: diapers. This will immediately bring into focus the need to drive erratically to the closest stop and rob and purchase the “Emergency Away Change Kit” for approximately $307.00, plus tax. The kit will contain one (1) diaper, three (3) wipeys, and a picture of a smiling baby whose parents have made Forty-Two-Hundred-Million dollars making these kits and selling them to guy’s like us that forgot to stock the away change bag.