• Skip to main content
  • Skip to secondary menu
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Because dads don’t always think like moms™

  • Dad
    • Celebrities
    • Gay Dads
    • Sex
    • Single Dads
  • Pregnancy
    • Labor or Delivery
    • Pregnant Wife
  • Baby
    • Baby Naming
    • Feeding
    • Sleep
    • Toilet Training
  • Kids
  • Teens
  • Activities
    • Local
    • By Age
    • Movie Reviews
    • Celebrations
  • Toys
    • We Recommend
    • Toys
  • Coaching for Dads
  • Great Dad Talks Podcast

The Big (Capital “T”) Talk

March 1, 2009 by Joe Kelly Leave a Comment

I happen to be an alcoholic and, thankfully, I got sober before my daughters were born. As of today, they’ve never seen me drink. I used to think that, because I didn’t drink, I hadn’t modeled for my kids an example of responsible alcohol use. I felt I hadn’t said enough to my daughters about alcohol; that maybe I should have a big “T” Talk on the subject.

I never had that Talk, but I never hid the fact that I have a drinking problem and that’s why I regularly spend evenings meeting with other alcoholics. We also didn’t hide the fact that some other relatives have similar addictions, nor did we ban alcohol from our home. When my wife or guests occasionally have some wine, it’s no big production.

Still, I was uneasy when the girls went off to college; would they go overboard now that they were away from home? Would they have any internal compass for moderation and safety? Turns out, the answer is yes. That’s something I didn’t quite grasp, especially when remembering how drunken my young college years were. I recently asked one of my daughters to explain.

Well, I know you’re an alcoholic; I saw you go to your meetings every week. I know other relatives have a problem with alcohol and drugs, and not all of them have gotten sober. And I know that there’s probably genetics involved. Maybe I’m being too controlling, but I figure I can’t become an alcoholic if I don’t drink. So I don’t.

While folks might want to argue the merits of her strategy, its effect is practical and positive. She’s content living without using a drug to alter her mood. What I learned from her answer is the influence of my everyday conversation and behavior; my words and actions were consistent and part of life from her earliest memory. I had communicated clearly enough, without resorting to a Big Talk.

Indeed, our Big Talks carry much less weight than our Big Behavior. I find the question of what you use alcohol or drugs for more illuminating than the question of how much alcohol or drugs you consume. For example, do you use alcohol as a self-prescribed medication in order to get through anxiety or anger? When you come home from work, does your daughter see that one of the first things you do is to fix yourself a drink, get out a cigarette or light a joint? Do you drink or smoke when you are feeling stressed or upset?

Does your daughter see you drink only on occasions when friends are present or during a special holiday? Does she see family members use alcohol as part of traditional rituals, but not in a way that the alcohol is the center of the ritual?

In other words, we have to look in the mirror before we can hope to reasonably and effectively deal with our daughters about alcohol, smoking and other drugs.

It is not easy to break an addiction or chemical dependency. But that temporary discomfort and long-term effort is worth increasing the quality and quantity of time we’ll have with our daughters (since we’ll probably live longer), and increasing the chances of our daughters being healthy now and in the future. Plus, it makes our lives more meaningful, useful and acceptable to ourselves.

It’s simple: in the case of chemicals, your daughter will respond a lot more to what you do than to what you say. If you have a problem with alcohol, tobacco and/or other drugs, get help for yourself now.

              – Joe Kelly

Joe Kelly is a father, author,
blogger, activist, and primary media source on fathering. He has
written several books including the best-seller Dads and Daughters.

Filed Under: Authors

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar

Great Dad Talks

Great Dad Talks
Great Dad Talks

Great Dad Talks is a series of conversations with experts on all aspects of the family adventure. With the perspective that “dads don’t always think like moms,” our mission is to support dad voices and our slightly different approaches to parenting. We’ll try to find solutions to every day challenges like getting kids off the couch and making STEM classes available for both boys and girls. But we’ll also tackle bigger issues when they come. The one main theme will be to support dads in the most important role of their lives that of being a great dad. Connect with us at greatdad.com and watch the video version of these podcasts at YouTube.com/greatdadnews

144. Exploring Mindful Fatherhood with Odeani Mc Bean
byPaul Banas

Welcome to another episode of Great Dad Talks, where we dive into the world of modern fatherhood with Odeani McBean. Together, we delve into modern fatherhood, exploring the transformative journey that led him to become a dedicated coach for dads. Discover how he turned personal challenges into a mission to support other fathers, helping them find balance and value in their important roles. Whether you’re a seasoned dad or new to the journey, this conversation offers valuable perspectives and inspiration.

Check out Odeani’s website threesixfivedad.com

Visit these links and embark on the path to becoming the best parent you can be:

– GreatDad.com/coaching 

– GreatDad.com/pq 

– Gratitude course: bit.ly/3NMLDNC  

50% off for podcast listeners with code PODCAST50

144. Exploring Mindful Fatherhood with Odeani Mc Bean
144. Exploring Mindful Fatherhood with Odeani Mc Bean
May 6, 2025
Paul Banas
143. Overcoming Dad Burnout with Scott Anderson
April 29, 2025
Paul Banas
142. Building Resilient Kids with Dr. Richard Oelberger
April 24, 2025
Paul Banas
141. Exploring Men’s Sexual Health with Dr. Elliot Justin
April 22, 2025
Paul Banas
140. Instilling Values and Financial Literacy with Barclay Roper
April 15, 2025
Paul Banas
139. Adaptive Cooking Tools and Techniques with Douglas Katz
April 8, 2025
Paul Banas
138. Exploring Masculinity and Men’s Groups with Jason Lange
April 1, 2025
Paul Banas
137. Modern Tech for Kids with Damien Schreurs
March 25, 2025
Paul Banas
136. Addressing the Gender Education Gap with Sean Kullman
March 18, 2025
Paul Banas
135. Mental Fitness in Youth Sports with Michael Huber
March 11, 2025
Paul Banas
Search Results placeholder

More to See

Adaptive Cooking Tools and Techniques with Douglas Katz

April 24, 2025 By Paul Banas

Mastering Book Publishing with Terry Whalin

April 1, 2025 By Paul Banas

Copyright © 2025 . GreatDad