This week, we dive deep into the dynamics between spouses, exploring how strong or rocky relationships influence our kids, and why intentional effort in marriage matters long before things hit a crisis point.
In this episode, you will be able to:
- Understand how children internalize the quality of their parents’ relationship—both the good and the bad.
- Learn about the “5 to 1 ratio” for happy marriages, emphasizing the importance of frequent positive moments.
- Get practical tips on active listening and how clear, direct communication strengthens partnership.
- Explore today’s challenges and expectations for fathers and husbands, and how to balance them healthily.
- Discover the big impact that even 10 minutes of focused attention can have on your child’s behavior and relationship.
As host of Great Dad Talks, one of my goals is to dive deep into the real challenges modern dads face—and this week, we tackled a subject at the core of family life: marriage. I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. David Helfand, licensed psychologist and founder of marriagequest.org. His decades of experience working with couples provided a fresh, honest perspective on what truly makes a marriage resilient—and how that strength trickles down to our kids.
Kids Are Sponges: Why They Need More Than Just “Good Times”
We’ve all been there—worrying about whether our marital ups and downs are secretly harming our children. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of those moments. What caught my attention in our conversation was Dr. Helfand’s reassuring reminder of children’s resilience:
“Kids are extremely resilient and forgiving and you can almost say to a fault… They don’t hold a grudge for the most part. That kind of trust they have in their parents to be safe in a general sense… that’s what I see in a lot of healthy parenting,” Dr. David Helfand explained.
He stressed that kids process both the good and the bad—they see arguments, yes, but what matters most is how parents make up and move forward together.
Forgetting Isn’t Always a Weakness
I’ve always thought that those rocky patches in my marriage might stick in my kids’ memories forever. Dr. Helfand reframed this for me:
“Forgetting is actually part of our essential evolution and biology, and it’s a strength… If you remembered every bump and scrape and everything you ever had, that probably wouldn’t be useful,” Dr. David Helfand observed.
Still, he cautioned, certain traumatic experiences can leave deeper marks—even if we don’t consciously remember them. For most everyday family conflicts, though, it’s our overall warmth and consistency that define the memory.
Positivity Beats Negativity: The Secret Ratio
One of the most practical takeaways from Dr. Helfand revolves around the 5-to-1 ratio: five positive interactions for every negative one. This isn’t just about big gestures—it’s about daily habits.
Quick tips to keep your marriage on track:
- Smile and use positive facial expressions
- Show affection—hugs count!
- Listen actively (not just “uh-huh” responses)
- Compliment and appreciate your partner
- Limit distractions (put down your phone during conversations)
As Dr. David Helfand says, “You need five positive interactions for every one negative interaction to feel balanced in a marriage.”
Active Listening vs. “Huh, Huh, Huh”
We joked about the now-viral “bird story” TikToks, but it’s a real test of connection. What does it mean to be an active listener? Dr. David Helfand had a simple answer:
“Generally I would just say you’re approaching it with curiosity… If I’m really engaged in the conversation, I’m naturally going to ask a good question or repeat something back or maybe make a connection.”
Active listening is about curiosity and engagement—not just hearing words but showing you care about what’s behind them.
Navigating Masculinity and Marriage
We talked frankly about cultural expectations—how men are evolving at home, but still struggle with “the mental load” and emotional communication.
“[A lot] of men… have trouble [communicating emotions], whether it’s cultural training or they really just don’t have any idea what they feel,” Dr. David Helfand shared.
He encouraged us to advocate for our needs, not just react or shut down.
What About Staying Together for the Kids?
Dr. Helfand’s view is clear and pragmatic:
- Staying together is positive if you’re actively working on the marriage for the benefit of the kids.
- Avoid simply “biding your time” in an unhappy home—kids learn more from how parents treat each other than from the fact they’re still married.
“Divorce in and of itself doesn’t hurt kids. It’s the attorneys and the parent animosity… If you can find a way to be happy and co-parent, that’s much more successful than two miserable parents just sticking it out,” Dr. David Helfand offered.
Parenting Advice for Dads of Young Kids
Dr. Helfand closed with a great story about “10 minutes a day”:
“I would, for any parent, but especially the dads, consider your children’s behavior as a reflection of the relationship with you… If I spend 10 minutes playing Legos with my daughter… she’s good for the evening.”
It’s a perfect reminder that connection doesn’t require hours—just a little intentional, quality time.
Final Thoughts
My conversation with Dr. Helfand was a powerful reminder that marriage isn’t just about adult happiness—it’s the bedrock underneath our entire family. We can model healthy emotional communication, make time for small gestures, and avoid letting the day-to-day grind quietly erode our connection. And, when things get tough, it’s okay to seek help—but make sure it’s useful, practical help.
If you want to dig deeper into your relationship, check out Dr. Helfand’s work at marriagequest.org or take my free gratitude course for podcast listeners at greatdad.com.
Remember: A happy family starts with you—and it shows in every small act of love and connection.
Dr. David Heflin
Licensed Psychologist Specializing in Marriage Retreats, Brain Mapping, and Neurofeedback
Known for blending neuroscience, practical strategies, and a compassionate approach, Dr. Helfand works with couples of various backgrounds, including neurodiverse partnerships. He brings insightful, actionable advice to every session—making him a trusted expert in the field of relationship and family health.
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