Understanding Adoption’s Psyche with Stephen Rowley

For anyone affected by adoption or seeking to foster deeper family connections, this episode promises to be both enlightening and affecting. So, settle in as we join Stephen Rowley, an adoptee himself, turned author and psychotherapist, for a conversation that’s sure to resonate with anyone curious about the intricate bonds that define us.

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Hear Stephen Rowley’s personal and professional take on the adoptee quest for identity.
2. Understand the unique emotional landscape of adoptees, discussed through a Jungian lens.
3. Receive advice for adoptive parents on talking about adoption with kids.
4. Discuss the societal influence on parenting in the context of adoption and identity.
5. Learn about the importance of resilience and self-understanding, illustrated by Rowley’s experiences.

Hello, Great Dad Talks community! I’m your host Paul Banas, and in today’s insightful and heartfelt episode, we had the privilege of speaking with Stephen Rowley, a psychotherapist deeply entrenched in the world of adoption, both personally and professionally. Stephen joined us to share his own narrative, his struggles with identity, and offered up undeniable wisdom for adoptive parents and adoptees alike.

Reunion and Reflection

As always, we aim to get to the core of what makes a great dad, and with Stephen’s story, we dove into the complexities of identity for those who have grown up adopted. Stephen recounted a poignant moment that many of us can only imagine: a reunion after decades apart.

“I had this moment of profound understanding when I reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen since 1949,” he said. “It really forced me to reflect on who I am and how that journey of self-discovery has unfolded over the years.”

The Universal Experience of Adoptees

Throughout our conversation, Stephen drew attention to the often-universal feelings of adoptees, which is a missing link to their identity. It’s not just a personal anecdote; it’s a narrative that resonates with many.

– Missing Connections: It’s a recurrent theme that adoptees feel a void or a piece missing from their lives, a sentiment that Stephen emphasized: “There’s a part of you that always wonders, that always feels just slightly out of place, like there’s this hole that you can’t quite fill.”

– Handling the Unknown: Different individuals cope differently with this lack of information about their origins. “Some are driven to know every detail about where they come from,” Stephen observed, “while others seem more content or even adamant about leaving the past undisturbed.”

The Psychological Landscape

We embarked on a discussion about Carl Jung’s approach to understanding the unconscious mind and how that plays into the sense of incompleteness many people – not just adoptees – feel.

“Dissociation, as a defense mechanism, offers an escape from being overwhelmed by the intensity of these feelings,” Stephen explained. “Though protective, it’s a double-edged sword, sometimes numbing us to connections that matter.”

Furthermore, we touched on how attachment and identity issues might be exacerbated in today’s fast-paced, technologically driven world.

The Path to Understanding Self

As we delved deeper, Stephen Rowley shared some advice for adoptive parents, which I found particularly moving and pragmatic:

– Communicate About Adoption: “Talk openly about adoption with your children from a young age,” he said. “It helps them to create their own narratives with honesty and love as their foundation.”

– Prioritize the Child’s Needs: Stephen holds a deep conviction that in all adoption scenarios, “the interests of the child should triumph over the adults involved. It’s about them finding their space in this world, after all.”

– Navigating Loyalty and Trust: “Building loyalty and trust can be a challenge, especially when the biological parent is a mystery,” I reflected on our talk.

Stephen even shared a client’s eye-opening story that revealed layers of hidden truths unearthed only through services like 23andMe, which shows the complexity and sometimes shock that can come with such discoveries.

Philosophical Musings and Unshakable Resilience

As we wrapped up, the topics turned to a wider context:

– Societal Anxiety: Stephen shared some thought-provoking insights regarding the current ‘age of anxiety’ we live in, and how that affects parenting and our perceptions of safety.

– Childhood Trauma Imprint: As a psychotherapist, Stephen stressed the importance of recognizing the invisible scars left by such experiences.

– Resilience: “It’s about bouncing back,” Stephen pointed out. “As individuals and parents, we must foster resilience not only in our kids, but within ourselves.”

Before closing, I was delighted to discuss Stephen’s book, “The Lost Coin, a memoir of adoption and destiny,” which further explores these heartfelt and deeply personal themes.

In closing, I’d like to hark back to one of the many thought-provoking statements Stephen offered during our discussion: “The act of reunion was like a crowning moment for me, it symbolized the culmination of a lifelong quest for identity.”

I hope you all found this episode as enriching and profound as I did. Remember, no matter your family dynamics, understanding ourselves and providing unconditional love are the bedrocks of great parenting.

To all you dads out there trying to navigate through the complicated tapestry that is fatherhood, keep on talking and listening—it’s how we grow as individuals, as parents, and more importantly, as families.