- Respond quickly: Try not to wait for your children to yank each other’s hair for the third time before reproaching them with an “Okay, that’s enough.” They need to know immediately when they’ve crossed the line. If they are really angry, you might send them to their room to cool off before talking to each of them. Or try reducing your kids’ allowance by a dollar or the TV time by 30 minutes as a consequence for their aggressiveness
- Set an example: No matter how angry you are with them, try not to yell, hit, or tell your children they are bad. Rather than getting them to change their behavior, this simply teaches them that verbal and physical aggression is the way to go when they are mad. Instead, set a good example by controlling your temper and calmly pulling them out of the action when they go too far
- Stick to the plan: As much as possible, respond to aggressive acts the same way every time. Your boringly predictable response (“Okay, you hit your brother again — that means another time-out”) will set up a pattern that your children will come to recognize and expect. Eventually, they will learn to anticipate consequences before they act — the first step in controlling their own behavior
- Talk it out: Let your children cool down, then calmly discuss what happened. The best time to do this is after they’ve settled down but before they forget the whole thing — ideally, 30 minutes to an hour later. Ask if they can explain what triggered the outburst (“Jessica, why are you so angry at your brother?”). Explain that it’s perfectly natural to get angry sometimes, but it’s not okay to react violently. Suggest better ways of dealing with anger — voicing their feelings without yelling (“I’m really mad that he always messes up my stuff”), shooting some baskets to blow off steam, or simply walking away from the situation until they cool off
What a father can do about aggression
Great Dad Talks
Great Dad Talks is a series of conversations with experts on all aspects of the family adventure. With the perspective that “dads don’t always think like moms,” our mission is to support dad voices and our slightly different approaches to parenting. We’ll try to find solutions to every day challenges like getting kids off the couch and making STEM classes available for both boys and girls. But we’ll also tackle bigger issues when they come. The one main theme will be to support dads in the most important role of their lives that of being a great dad. Connect with us at greatdad.com and watch the video version of these podcasts at YouTube.com/greatdadnews
171. Why Being a Present Dad Matters with John David
In this episode, I talk with John David, a PR and crisis management professional and author of the mystery/thriller novel The Bystander, about what he discovered through being a dad. John shares how fatherhood became one of the things he’s most proud of, how he felt an early emotional bond with his kids, and how providing a calm, nonjudgmental sense of safety helped them come to him for support even as adults. We discuss the sacrifices parents make, the importance of embracing unexpected roles like Cub Scouts leadership, and how empty nesting gave John the time to rediscover fiction and write his novel. John also explains the premise of The Bystander and his writing process.
Check out John’s website at byjohndavid.substack.com
Visit these links and embark on the path to becoming the best parent you can be:
– GreatDad.com/coaching
– GreatDad.com/pq
– Gratitude course: bit.ly/3NMLDNC
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