The Smart Man’s Guide to Apologizing

So… You screwed up again. It’s okay to admit it. In fact, if you actually admit it, you’re farther down the right track than most men. Kudos! Unfortunately, admitting you’re wrong is often-times not the “best you can do.” Chin up fella, she’ll forgive you, with some encouragement – which in this case means some form of bribery.

Here is your basic guide to apologizing for normal, everyday occurrences:

What You Did	Gift Required	Recommended Apology
Left your clothes on the ground	Flowers: A small arrangement with at least three red roses.	“I’m sorry babe – when will I learn!”
“Lost” your wallet, keys, watch, etc. somewhere in the house (in plain view but she had to find it.)	Flowers: A small arrangement with lilies should do the trick.	“I’m sorry about that hon – I’d lose my head if it wasn’t screwed on tight!”
Left your expensive phone in the pocket of your pants. She washed it but it’s still your fault.	You pay for a new phone – and don’t ever mention it again.	“I’m sorry that you washed my phone –  I will NEVER leave my phone in my pants again!”
Broke item that once belonged to a dead, obscure relative of hers.	Night out with the girls: Tell her you’re staying at home with kids Friday night (DO NOT use the term “babysit”.)	“Dang that was stupid of me. I really miss your Great-Great-Aunt / Cousin / Grandma too…”
Broke item that once belonged to a dead, obscure relative of hers then lied about it, then told the truth after she found it in the garbage.	Jewelry: You can probably get away with some funky silver jewelry here.	“I don’t know why I did that – I guess I just love you so much I couldn’t bear to see you in pain.”
Gave her your “honest opinion” about something she was wearing.	Romantic dinner made by you including fancy dessert.	“I’m sorry hon – I think you look better naked…”
Get caught not listening.	Top to bottom house cleaning while she’s out shopping at your encouragement, with your cash.	“I’m really sorry honey – I know what you were saying is really important to you and therefore it’s important to me.”
Went to strip club.	Hotel room, dinner and flowers (not to be booked for at least one week after offense.)	“I’m sorry honey – I just had to go with (insert name here) because he’s been having a rough time lately. You know I think those girls are nasty.”
Looked at another woman while with your wife.	The whole package: Hotel room, babysitter, diamonds and bouquet of roses or her favorite flowers (not to be booked for at least two weeks after offense.)	“I’m sorry I just thought she looked a lot like my sister / mom / aunt. But I was wrong – my sister / mom / aunt is much prettier.”
Doing any of the above while she has PMS.	Massage and foot rub after she’s had a bath and you’ve cleaned the house and put the kids to bed.	Don’t say anything, just run. Take the kids. Don’t come back until you’ve had a lengthy visit with your mom.

Lilly Gordon is a freelance web publisher and writer. She is a Mom of two, stellar wife (most of the time) and enjoys writing and researching on a variety of topics, especially topics on marriage, weddings, flowers and the way to a woman’s heart.