Top four “on the job training” fatherhood tips

Some things you have to learn the hard way. The legal limit refers to drinking and driving as well as drinking then driving. If you have a hernia, WebMD isn’t going to cure you. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission – until you’re married, at which point you’re not going to get much of either.

Fatherhood is no different. There are tricks of the trade that should be considered "on the job training." What do you do when the kid goes through diapers like he’s on a mission to disgust? How do you operate the mystifying kitchen appliances to whip up a quick meal? Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers and how do you get your daughter to stop shrieking?

But when time is short, a little advanced know-how and creativity on the part of inexperienced fathers should keep the U.S.S Fatherhood sailing smoothly.

Without further ado: The top "on the job training" tips for the evolving father.

1. The following items can be easily become diapers, should the situation arise: Paper towels, the morning paper, T-shirts, and old blankets. The following items should never be used as diapers, should the situation arise: duffel bags, the sports section, hats, your neighbor’s lawn.

2. Here’s a list of microwave safe materials: Glass, ceramics, many plastics, paper, cardboard. And now, here’s a list of things you should not put in the microwave, no matter how cool it would be: CDs, credit cards, soap, firecrackers, an Etch-a-Sketch, diapers, hard-boiled eggs, another microwave.

3. Never leave a child unattended in the presence of large animals, boiling water, high drops, or MTV. You don’t want to be known as the father who let exposed his kid to the Jersey Shore.

4. When in doubt, repeat after me: "Ask your mother."