What 6 Weeks of Childbirth-Enforced Celibacy Feels Like

Francis Ma
Number of Kids: 2 daughters
Current PBS Show of choice: Little Einsteins

This is not a joke.

You may be wondering why one has to be celibate. While I will not dispense with details, let’s just say that childbirth is a very traumatic experience for a woman’s body and that it takes time to heal.

And because it takes time to heal, the gates to fun town have to be shuttered.

It’s true you will be tired for the first part of this since the first month of parenting can be challenging. But eventually a schedule emerges and by week 3 of 4 it will start to feel routine.

This is where it starts to set in that you are not going to have sex for awhile. And what’s worse, your hormones will revert back to those of a teenager, because your wife’s breasts are now…bigger.

In many ways, high school was easier. Sure the hormone level was the same, but it was still a mystery whether or not someone even wanted to sleep with you. With the post-baby scenario, it’s a fair bet that your wife still wants to sleep with you…but she physically can’t.

So now you have gone backwards in your sex life evolution. Let me explain in this 9 point list.

1. You start by exploring your own body
2. Eventually someone else explores your body
3. New territory is discovered and equipment is needed (condoms)
4. After much exploration, a commitment is made and the condoms go away
5. Suddenly the territory feels different, and you’ve entered a new realm
6. The pregnancy test is positive
7. You have pregnant sex, which is somehow completely different from everything else
8. The child is born
9. See step 1

In that six weeks (or more. yes it can be more) you are essentially in step 1 all the time. You will be irritable, you will have a quick fuse, you will be frustrated. Oh and the girl at Starbucks who was just looked “ok” to you a couple of months ago? She will now look like a goddess and you will have no idea why.

Have faith friend. Your goddess wife will return to you and yes it will feel the same. Of course, this is assuming your child is actually sleeping on a somewhat regular schedule for you two to be alone. Did I forget to mention that?